I could post this as a journal entry in my thread... but I don't want to.
All right zig and STE... here's the dope...
I'll start by saying, nothing in my sitch has changed...
What I WILL say is... things have... shifted...
And I will be bold enough to say, it is because I have changed.
Here is how I COULD see things, if I chose:
My W is a piece of work. For as long as I've known her, she's been OCD, probably AD, and I'd put HUGE bets that she's undiagnosed borderline. She's controlled our R from the very beginning and more recently, but even during the M, has been VERY disrespectful of me, what I do, how I do things. Sure, I've got my own baggage and I'm working on making myself better. Always have, always will. But I would NOT entertain being back with my W again. I could never live with someone like that. I will definitely be more wary of any future R I may have.
OK, got that?
Now, this is how I've CHOSEN to be.
Those things about my W? C'mon... I KNEW those things, going in. That was part of what I liked about my W. Not to FIX her, I just knew them and... they are mostly harmless... I have decided that, I will work at being my W's bff. Not to win her back, not to bed her, not because of the kids, rather for no other reason than, I want to.
When I made this shift in thinking a month and some back...
I made a shift in my actions... and as this is a post focused on my W... those changes in my actions which would others affect the rest of my life... were also and specifically focused on me continuing to be my W's bff...
If she never wants to be my bff, that is fine. I will share, without needing to have her share, back. I will be transparent, without needing her to be transparent, back. I will be open and honest, without needing her to be hope and honest, back.
Because that's how I treat my bffs... I do not expect from them, as I give to them... They are just "those people" in my life. I don't worry what they give me. I don't worry that they judge me. And so on...
Of course, I still have a long, long ways to go. And this will be a lifelong process. And that is... OK... because I'm not doing it to win her back. I'm just doing it because I want to...
Let me stress... I DO actually have the money to file D. I just don't want to pull it out of investments. And, I want to file D on the money I've earned from the date of our legal S. I will file, though. And that does not change my actions to be my W's bff...
So, having said that, what are the observations I have regarding my W, as I shift?
Well, it's very, very subtle. And for the most part consists of being somewhat more candid about what she says to me. She still hides tonnes of stuff, AFAIK. And that doesn't matter. That's OK. Because I'm not asking her for transparency from her. I'm actually not asking for ANYTHING... FROM her... She still goes dark on me... but the times she's chatty, I get a sense that she's not guarded. And that... is nice.
And so it will progress...
What I also know is... I will eventually have to put down my own guard. I will have to be willing to "receive" from my W, as well. And I'm slowly working on that.
I find it's much easier for me to treat people the way I think people should be treated. And much harder to let my guard down to let people treat me the way they want to treat me... and often... that means being vulnerable... to the good... and... the bad...
Things change... we change... often things are different than we expect... we PLAN and MAKE PLANS on expectations... so it can be quite irritating when the results don't meet our expectations, because it prevents us from executing the next step in our "plans".
I also chose to "see" things, differently. I chose not to focus on the negative aspects of my W. What ever the future brings, it will bring. What happened in Vegas should stay in Vegas. I changed. The sitch changed. My W... has probably changed... And... while I know now what I knew before. I know it... differently... AND... I have even more tools now in my tool box to be a better husband, partner, father... than I had only two, short years ago...
