Interpretation of MWD and DR regarding infidelity

[Denver_2010]

I would agree with Denver on this distinction. It's basic "Plan A"/"Plan B" stuff (see Harley), but the whole purpose of the "Plan A" period is for your wayward spouse to "see the new you" -- see your improvements, and see what they'd be missing if they don't come back to the marriage.

Yes. Wasn't sure if we could mention the book. But very helpful. And yes, that is what I am talking about.

I believe Harley says that 6 months is the longest one should Plan A (I'll have to look that up), I've found that some people can endure it better than others. For me, I simply couldn't continue to condone an active affair as it violated my own integrity. I DO think that the worse your marriage was prior to the affair, and the worse YOUR CONTRIBUTION to the dysfunction was, you do probably have to "Plan A" longer than someone who was basically a good and faithful spouse prior to their wayward spouse's infidelity.

When I say that I did "Plan A" for 18 months, it's not exactly accurate. I did show W the new me for that period, but I did not tolerate the affair. In fact, there really was no period of time when I tolerated it. W and I did not talk for the first 6 weeks or so of our S. I suspected an A, but it was not confirmed until we first started talking about R on Feb 10, 2011 (funny how we remember milestones). It was at that point, that W began trying to R, eliminating OM (because she knew that i would not tolerate it and that it was wrong), but her feelings for OM had not been resolved.

In May of 2011, when I found OM hiding from me on the toilet of my W's rental house, LOL, is when I first stated very clearly that I would not be a part of her life if OM was (apparently, I hadn't been clear enough about that from Feb-May). We were up and down on that issue through Jan of this year. W would say that she was done and she and I would try to work towards R, but because her feelings for OM were not resolved, it didn't work. So she and I'd S again, I'd reiterate that I'd not be a part of her life as long as he was, she'd 'date' him for a month or so, and then be missing me. And... the cycle would start over. That happened, what, 2,3 times?

Me being DONE in May of this year actually had nothing really to do with OM. He was still around in the distance, but W was not talking to him or seeing him. I do believe that she still had unresolved feelings, but she really was trying to separate herself from him. But he became stalkish. In any case, me reaching the point of being DONE and finally telling her so, was more about her inability to forgive me and really commit to the M.

I guess the reason I want to lay this out is that I don't want anyone reading this thinking that I just condone affairs, or that I advise that anyone just tolerate your spouse being with someone else while they also have a R with you. I don't.

But i do think that the lines on what is, and what isn't, an actual affair are blurred. And I do think that an LBS does have to assess their own situation to determine just how much they can tolerate or wait out. For me, W had left me and emotionally divorced me before she began her A with OM... or, began dating OM... see, it depends on how you define things and people have different definitions. Because it was not just a flat out A, and because I knew that I had heavily contributed to driving W away from our M, I was able to be more understanding, more tolerant, and was able to rationalize waiting it out. I just wasn't going to be an active part of her life while she did it.