A Huddle of Turtles

[ces67]

hey Zig, still catching up.... This caught my attention:

i have no intention of implying in any way that this is only h's fault - the affair that is.


While this is very noble of you, I have an opinion to share. Any issue in a marriage is typically the result of a shared fault in how we communicate or deal with one another. However, IMO, you have not fault to take in your H's decision to have an affair. Regardless of the problems, choosing to lie, deceive and break promises is a coward's way to deal (or avoid dealing) with a problem and is a personal choice. You did not force him to make these decisions.

You are wise to look at yourself and take the opportunity to grow. You don't need to take ownership of his issues though.
((zig))

[zig]

stronger

i am so going to see wanda jackson on friday, that it doesn't even begin to be a problem for me.

my love bank is truly depleted when it comes to h, and when i put the two events side by side:
1. being at in-laws with about 40 family members, smiling and "having" a good time while h disses me whenever he feels like it because he's uncomfortable to act nice to me around family. s disses me too, modeling h's behavior, mil giving me conspiratorial looks every few minutes etc etc, having to db with a houseful of people

2. going to see one hot inspirational chick who is still "puttin' in out there" in spades, with 4 strong women - 3 that i've never met - to a jazz club (always wanted to go) - really good music, dancing and just having fun and forgetting about the sitch for a few hours

i don't even have to think twice about it.

you don't refuse a gift when it's given to you. at least i've learned that now. there's a reason i got invited on this friday and not next or wednesday or saturday!!

i've made enough effort in that arena, with him and his family - and i'm feeling quite easy about not being there on friday.

oddly though, i am in a quandary about thursday and sunday and will post about that later

as for dragging KD to the blanket - i believe he's into the spiced rum stuff right now. and i don't believe he'll take kindly to dragging - feral cat syndrome there all the way

((((stronger))) hope you have a great day

zig

[zig]

oh ces - that came out wrong.

it took me a while to get there, i stayed waaay to long in the self beating up place of this is all my fault.

NO absolutely NOT. I will not take any responsibility for h's decision to have an affair. there were many many other alternatives but HE chose that. and i did not push him there and i won't take ownership of his issues.

i think i meant that when we talk to s, i won't sit there and be mad and accuse h.

i will admit though that the idea of sitting there and presenting it as a joint decision makes me sick to my stomach. this has always been h's intention - to be a united front in this and it appalls me

i can't say that i'm clear about what i would or not be willing to say, but i am going to trust that when the time comes, i will have reached a place where those things are clear for me.

being loving for s and ultimately towards h - can i sit there and give s the impression that i am okay with this also? hardly...

thanks ces

i will continue to inspect this

hope you are well

zig

[ces67]

completely get when the words typed don't accurately represent the feelings felt. Do it all the time myself. Just had to check!

[Starsky309]

zig,

I think I'm going to be sick. I spent nearly an HOUR responding -- in detail -- to your questions on the other thread, and then somehow, I accidentally EXITED OUT OF FIREFOX and I lost the entire thing.

And I have my broser set up to "never remember history."

Are you on any of the DB groups on FB? Maybe I can just send you a link to all of my previous threads, and you can read my sitch in all its glory.

I'm really sorry. It was probably the wordiest post I've done in quite some time, too. To paraphrase what Terri Hatcher said on Senfield, "Yes, it was real, and it was spectacular!"

[zig]

wow starsky - i don't know what to say.

i didn't expect you at all to go to so much effort on my behalf, so i really appreciate it

okay - confession time - I have never been on FB, not even once, in fact i have no idea how it works.

honestly i'm hesitant - and that's definitely something to explore isn't it


It was probably the wordiest post I've done in quite some time,

now now starsky - you getting wordy with me on top of everything else?

maybe you weren't ready to tell me all that stuff, deep down.... and ducking...


hey let's chill and you can let it out in dribbles here and there as we go along instead of all at once, eh?

under all that gruff - i think i'm starting to see the rather sweet soft guy

so - I like!!

(( ))
zig

[zig]

glad you checked ces - it's good to know we've got each other's back

we all need that more than anything else

[Starsky309]

under all that gruff - i think i'm starting to see the rather sweet soft guy

so - I like!!

(( ))
zig

That's the irony of it all, zig. IRL, I'm really a classic "Mr. Nice Guy"/pleaser/co-dependent type. Go figure, huh?

[Starsky309]

hey let's chill and you can let it out in dribbles here and there as we go along instead of all at once, eh?
(( ))
zig

I do best when people ask me a specific question or two, and then I answer it. Must be an ADHD thing or something, but I'm happy to answer anything you want from my sitch, zig -- I will be 100% honest with you.


Starsky

[~ kd ~]

I could post this as a journal entry in my thread... but I don't want to.

All right zig and STE... here's the dope...

I'll start by saying, nothing in my sitch has changed...

What I WILL say is... things have... shifted...

And I will be bold enough to say, it is because I have changed.

Here is how I COULD see things, if I chose:

My W is a piece of work. For as long as I've known her, she's been OCD, probably AD, and I'd put HUGE bets that she's undiagnosed borderline. She's controlled our R from the very beginning and more recently, but even during the M, has been VERY disrespectful of me, what I do, how I do things. Sure, I've got my own baggage and I'm working on making myself better. Always have, always will. But I would NOT entertain being back with my W again. I could never live with someone like that. I will definitely be more wary of any future R I may have.

OK, got that?

Now, this is how I've CHOSEN to be.

Those things about my W? C'mon... I KNEW those things, going in. That was part of what I liked about my W. Not to FIX her, I just knew them and... they are mostly harmless... I have decided that, I will work at being my W's bff. Not to win her back, not to bed her, not because of the kids, rather for no other reason than, I want to.

When I made this shift in thinking a month and some back...

I made a shift in my actions... and as this is a post focused on my W... those changes in my actions which would others affect the rest of my life... were also and specifically focused on me continuing to be my W's bff...

If she never wants to be my bff, that is fine. I will share, without needing to have her share, back. I will be transparent, without needing her to be transparent, back. I will be open and honest, without needing her to be hope and honest, back.

Because that's how I treat my bffs... I do not expect from them, as I give to them... They are just "those people" in my life. I don't worry what they give me. I don't worry that they judge me. And so on...

Of course, I still have a long, long ways to go. And this will be a lifelong process. And that is... OK... because I'm not doing it to win her back. I'm just doing it because I want to...

Let me stress... I DO actually have the money to file D. I just don't want to pull it out of investments. And, I want to file D on the money I've earned from the date of our legal S. I will file, though. And that does not change my actions to be my W's bff...

So, having said that, what are the observations I have regarding my W, as I shift?

Well, it's very, very subtle. And for the most part consists of being somewhat more candid about what she says to me. She still hides tonnes of stuff, AFAIK. And that doesn't matter. That's OK. Because I'm not asking her for transparency from her. I'm actually not asking for ANYTHING... FROM her... She still goes dark on me... but the times she's chatty, I get a sense that she's not guarded. And that... is nice.

And so it will progress...

What I also know is... I will eventually have to put down my own guard. I will have to be willing to "receive" from my W, as well. And I'm slowly working on that.

I find it's much easier for me to treat people the way I think people should be treated. And much harder to let my guard down to let people treat me the way they want to treat me... and often... that means being vulnerable... to the good... and... the bad...

Things change... we change... often things are different than we expect... we PLAN and MAKE PLANS on expectations... so it can be quite irritating when the results don't meet our expectations, because it prevents us from executing the next step in our "plans".

I also chose to "see" things, differently. I chose not to focus on the negative aspects of my W. What ever the future brings, it will bring. What happened in Vegas should stay in Vegas. I changed. The sitch changed. My W... has probably changed... And... while I know now what I knew before. I know it... differently... AND... I have even more tools now in my tool box to be a better husband, partner, father... than I had only two, short years ago...

So there it goes. I changed... things changed...