I can only speak from my experience, but it seems that way to me. My W actually wrote on her invitation only blog that she was considering divorce four months before she even told me that we were having problems. I know that it seems like if something is not working then your W should come to you first, but often she feels that she can't. If she felt that she could come to you with problems and expect to solve them your M would not be in this deep a mess. I know that even now my W tells me something different then she tells other people. One of the reasons that you (and I) are here is because there has been a breakdown of trust in your relationship and that is going to have to resolve itself before R is actually possible.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Is it natural for people to talk to their friends before their spouse about R and M problems ? I feel like W should have come to me first
Try not to read into EVERY action she takes. Also, I think I've said this before, change how you look at stuff. For example...
Consider that maybe she did not talk to YOU becuase she did not want to ALARM YOU. Maybe she wants to try and sort this stuff out and needed a GF or family member. You continue to think doom and gloom and that is going to make DBing very hard.
So what did she say last night?
Are you trying to be positive and upbeat? Are you planning anything for YOU to do? From you post it appears as if you are waiting for the bomb to drop. If so, STOP it dude.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Regardless of what she says I would tell her that you understand how she feels but that you need some time to think about it.
The last time the D word came up (7/30) at my house, I told my H I understood how he felt, which made him even madder and he told me I did not. I would definitely not commit. Maybe saying I understand that you feel that way or I apprecaite that you feel that way would work.
I don't want to hijack the thread, but I do want to address what hopefulinga said. My wife said the same thing when I told her "I understand that you feel that..." Her response was that I didn't understand anything. You have to remember that you are dealing with people who are just as much caught up in the whirlwind of emotions that you are. They are not thinking straight, even if they have convinced themselves that they are. Last night I had a meeting with my pastor and he gave me some words of advice that I would like to share with you. Basically he said that the fact that the two of still fight is both good and bad. It is bad in the sense that it continues to drive a wedge between the two of you. However it is good because it means that there is still an emotional connection between the two of you. Unless your H is an extreme rageaholic (in which case you probably would be better off with a D) he is probably like most people and doesn't get angry with people that he doesn't feel an emotional connection too in some way.
I know that this may be hard to hear, and it is something that I still struggle to accept, but as long as there is anger and there is sadness, and there is unhappiness then there is still love. All of these negative emotions, while not good for your relationship, are indicators that he/she still has feelings for you. It is when they stop having any kind of reaction to you at all that you should worry. Your job (and mine) is not to change how they feel but to change how we deal with our spouse and improve ourselves. Make your 180s and stick to them. This time is about you and making you into the person YOU want to be.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
She never said she had something to talk about. She hasn't kissed or told me she loved me in over a week. And she told a friend she didn't think she wanted to be married anymore. She only told me that she was depressed and that she didn't want me to worry about it and lose sleep or appetite like I did during previous affair.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
Yesterday afternoon, after a concerned friend contacted me, I asked my wife if she had a few minutes to talk. I told her I loved her and I noticed that she was being emotionally distant, and if she wanted to talk I was here for her. She started crying. She didn't divulge anything.
So technically, my wife didnt say she wanted to talk. I just knew it would be coming.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
