Wow; so much action here, so late at nite! Have a little mercy on us old folks in the Eastern time zones, willya?
Much to respond to, but work is calling, so I'll get to more of this a little later. I do want to say that there's a misunderstanding as to what my own timeline was. Here's a quick copy-and-paste, from my personal journal:
My timeline:
I confronted my wife within 24 hours of having proof she was having an affair.
I exposed her affair within 24 hours to our adult daughters, and within two weeks to her family and her employer.
I re-confronted her on Day 60, and laid out a "No More Deceit" boundary, telling her "either you tell our daughters and your parents the truth about your relationship with (OM), or I will." I had evidence, and I told her she had five minutes to decide. Within two hours, she had told all four of them the truth -- that she wasn't "just friends" with OM, and that I hadn't been lying when I told them she was having an affair.
About a week later (around Day 70), I filed for divorce, after my wife stubbornly refused to end her affair.
On Day 90, she ended her affair, and asked "what will it take?" to reconcile. I laid out my short-list of non-negotiable boundaries, and we reconciled.
There were several fits-and-starts after that, with the divorce initially being put on two 3-month "stays" before finally being withdrawn. We also separated for a couple of weeks about a year ago, and agreed to date other people, but that was short-lived, and after one "date" (drinks with a former co-worker) I agreed to move back in with her to work on our marriage. We did some MCing, still struggle with the SSM thing, but have remained great friends and partners ever since, and celebrated both our 25th wedding anniversary and the birth of our first granddaughter in 2010.
Interestingly, when my wife tearfully asked for reconciliation (and thereafter), she told me that although she HATED me at the time, and was LIVID with me for exposing her affair, she understood why I did it, RESPECTED me for it, and THANKED ME for fighting for our marriage!
So I do draw a distinction between the time it takes to PIECE (months -- even several years), and how long one should put up with an active affair without consequences. The distinction I make in the approach that I advocate is to FIRST do whatever you can to "separate the addict from the source of their addiction," and to THEN begin the long hard slog of piecing. Because to try to piece with another person in the picture will be fruitless and ineffective, and to try to simply "stand" in the face of unrepentant infidelity saps at your self-esteem, your emotional and mental health, your family's finances, and the well-being of the children in my opinion.
More later . . .
Starsky
P.S. The above was my approach. Some elements of it aren't necessarily in the DB catechism (exposure, for instance). Reasonable people can disagree about that one; I was asked, and so I'm saying that it worked for me. In fact, someone asked upthread "What were the main reasons your wife said she came back to the marriage?" and that's a great question. I did ask her that. Her answer:
1. Losing me as her best friend. She said that my telling her that "If you decide to end our marriage this way -- by having an affair and lying to everyone about it, including our own family -- that we would categorically NOT be friends after the dissolution of our marriage. We would be civil towards each other, and effectively co-parent, but not friends and certainly not BEST friends. If, however, she decided to end her affair, and come back and work on the marriage with me, and we gave it a reasonable amount of time (say, a year) and we agreed that it wasn't working out, then yes -- we would probably be good friends eventually.
2. The disapproval of her parents and our adult daughters -- especially her mom and our D-then-18.
