Interpretation of MWD and DR regarding infidelity

[bustingout]

First...all my respect and admiration for this discussion and all of the time and advice you all here have given. I hope one day I will be able to pay it forward as well. Its really an amazing community.

Personally, I would like to be able to take a tougher stance. I hate what this is doing to my family, emotionally, physiclly and probably one day, financially. This is MY family, and I would do anything for them. thats the primary reason I came here.

However I know that right now that stance would only be a tactic. And it would more likely than not end with a bitter, emotional and angry end of the M. My H is not ready, able or willing to see a light back home. RIGHT NOW.

Before I found this site I shot myself in the foot more times than I can count because I pushed and pushed and pushed H about this effin OW. This OW right now sands in the way of my kids and their father, their happiness, their emotional well being, his emotional well being, his ability to be the best father he can be, she is my obstacle to my M. I cannot do any thing regarding my M, the actually core work, until she goes.

So even though I know she is not the reason my M went to pot, she is now the primary obstacle before anything else could happen. I want her to go.

I can't do a starsky Right NOW. I can understand it, I can want it, but ultimately I get denver as well about the instinct. My instinct says not yet. Plus I am not D.O.N.E. Yet.

As I see it, it seems that in several cases, the key to removing the OP is to actually being D.O.N.E. It's the appraoch on how to get to D.O.N.E that we seem to struggle with. No one want too prolong this state of limbo, and our motives of wanting to save our Ms our, children, our families, etc is to shorten the pain of limbo as much as possible. to end the negativity, the fear, the pain. To not have our Ms end and break up our families in misery, pain and fear and anger.

So we learn that one way to shorten this pain is to work on ourselves, especially when we have been given the gift of time.

And this will have a butterfly effect on our children, and are other relationships, hopefully our Ms. We need to feel strong enough, good enough so that we can be
done. And I guess that means detaching from the pain of the affair, even if the affair is not the reason the M is in the crapper. Because as it says in te book, if the spouse is not ready to end the affair, we can do the ultimate tough stance. But we must be ready because it is not for the faint of heart.

I guess the timelines for everyone is different in terms of when their hearts are strong enough for this.

Muddling through this.... I feel like an amateur reading you all!