Interpretation of MWD and DR regarding infidelity

[zig]

thanks denver for your replies.

i'm not being hard on star sky, i hope. i think that it is more a case of, well if he is so adamant about how to do this, then why can't i ask questions before i take his advice?

what you write resonates with me about how you describe your r with your wife. i too feel that i did things that it will take my h a long time to get over. he is not one to let go of stuff and carries every little thing deep within himself.

and just like you said, a few months is not enough time for either my h or myself to resolve issues within ourselves

I got hit hard and often for having expectations, hope and belief that ultimately I would reconcile my M. But it was the only way that I was able to sustain for as long as I did. And I believe in positive imagery as a means to accomplishing one's goals. So yes, I do believe that you have to have faith and hope in order to keep going.

This ^^^^ to me is the elephant in the room on this bb.
the constant 2 x 4's from everyone to everyone about not having expectations, not having hope etc.

in my honest opinion, it is downright impossible to go through this for as long as we have to without having some belief that it is possible.

i like what you said about the visual imagery and also what i quoted from you above - it is frankly some reassurance that i am in an okay place. i have beaten myself up way too much for having those and tried to force myself to being detached. (i don't believe i am alone in this)

frankly i think that it slows down our growth as well as slows down the process towards that real final detachment that comes on its own eventually. if we didn't have to work so hard at where we are at, and constantly try to convince ourselves that we are in the wrong place and only focus on trying to get to that right place, we could spend a lot of that emotional energy focused on healing ourselves and then naturally move towards healthier solutions for ourselves.

what do you think the effect would be that when newcomers came on the board they were allowed to acknowledge for themselves that where they were was an okay place to be - and the "pressure" of detaching and letting go would eventually come on it's own in it's own time.

i do see the value of urging them to get there as fast as they can, and i think that that is necessary, but there is an element missing here sometimes for many - that most crucial element involved in moving forward is truly accepting where you are at.

in the last few weeks after many months of trying to 'convince" myself that i am detached, i started practicing somewhat the opposite:

i started acknowledging very gently to myself, that yes, zig, of course you are not detached, of course this hurts, of course this is painful, of course you don't know how long you can stay the course (This comes form Pema, obviously) etc;..

and then literally just mentally embracing where i was truly at - and what i find is that there is a certain amount of mental relaxation that results - where you are not fighting something and trying to be something that you are either not ready to be or are not

i will say that it is seemingly a more passive approach rather than an active go-getting one, but after trying the second for so long,i think i am more emotionally exhausted at this point from that rather than the sitch itself.

of course, if one sees that the person is practically wallowing and needs a severe nudge to get to a stronger place emotionally then more proactive support is definitely needed

just some thoughts...