Interpretation of MWD and DR regarding infidelity

[zig]

aah accuray - i knew that someone would eventually be able to articulate clearly what you have just managed to do.

i think the dilemma often is that these options are presented altogether - as if the lbs has to achieve all three states at once - and they are contrary to each other.

i think your post should be stickied and very very accessible to the newcomers.

it states really clearly that these are separate options that an lbs can pursue.

maybe i'm dense and slow on the uptake but i have never, in all the threads and posts i've read got the impression that these are different options to take. all the info and advice is sort of clumped up into a general lump.

as for what you say about expectations - i think you don't have them anymore when you are truly done. until then, one is just fighting having them and torturing oneself and getting down on oneself about them still being there. as long as we are db'ing of course we have expectations and hope that our sitches will change for the better and even for the best. otherwise, why would we continue to db for our relationships and not just do it for ourselves only.

i know the idea is that we should do it only for ourselves and if the was comes back then that's a bonus.

but in all honesty, how many here haven't at least started with the db principle solely to save their m's? of course, after a certain point the benefits of db'ing do change it so that the lbs starts to see how it is a long term thing no matter what.

in the end though, it is still about saving our marriages. and it doesn't seem emotionally feasible to me that if it can take up to 2 yrs or more for the changes to make a real difference to the was, that unless the lbs had enormous faith, expectation and hope, that they would be able to sustain staying in the db arena that long

otoh when i read through your post again, i find myself seeing it also from another perspective - that those 3 options could also be described as the 3 steps the lbs moves through over a long period of time. unless, like some, they jump to the 3rd step and skip the first 2.

i think that most people fall into the category of moving through these stages as it were.

but all in all, how you describe it really clears up alot of issues in terms of what stand one takes - you may choose one of the 3 or go through each one gradually

thanks accuray - we have missed your insights while you have been gone and i for one am happy to see you peeping in once in a while:)

zig