This morning I woke up and H was gone off to work early after a night of insomnia. He tried to rant last night about being a failure in life, I didn't engage him.
I was thinking that I need to be ready for what ever comes my way.
I just watched.......here's were I would put "the man I love", "my H".....but I need to protect myself from such intense words, stay focused on the reality.
Try again! I just watched him spiral and whirl around in his head, walk around the room forgetful, confused, tired, dirty, scared, and repeating " I wish I would have a heart attach right now"!
That was then and this is now. My new way of thinking to get through my day filled with thoughts of my needs and goals.
I always pray he's safe though....!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i completely understand worrying about their safety when you are having m issues. my h has major depression and anxiety. i just recently left the home and we are separated (he is starting another ea/pa), but i still worry if he will hurt himself. i think h is having an mlc, as well, and it's like living with a stranger, like my h has died and someone else has taken his place.
i really, really feel for you. it's very hard to put yourself first when you have been conditioned during the m to put his needs first. i'm starting to put myself first, to care for myself. you need to do the same.
best of luck with everything.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
It's so tough when you are worried that your H will hurt himself or just put himself in bad situations.
Mine is getting very depressed again and was hospitalized on Wed for being severely dehydrated and passing out. I knew he hadn't been sleeping either, and made sure he ate/drink when he was at my place to drop off SS, but I can't make him take care of himself.
I'm trying to be supportive, but he's a grown man and I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. I've been reading all of the books about codependency and realized that is how I treat him. So I've been trying to set boundaries so that I won't be more frustrated than I have to be.
I wish I could tell you something to make your sitch better, but I'm just taking it one day at a time. Keep praying for him, but realize that he has to do it on his own.
(((((((dawnmarie)))))))
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
I really know what you mean about H not taking care of himself. Mine passed out Fri. due to heat and dehydration. Working 14 hours in the direct sun only having had coffee and cigarettes for breakfast, caught up with my 52yr old H.
He's past the "vanity stage" (thank God) last yr he did this gig in a bandana with cut offs (eeewww) and baby oil for the sun. This yr he's just so neglectful of himself he can't even drink water.
I will look up codependency and see what it is about. The name alone sounds like it describes me. I was 21 when we meet, no parents at the time, and pissed at the world. He was my rock!
One day at a time is right. H has had to do nothing on his own except work for a long time.
I just want to reach out and put him in my bubble and protect him.
I would like to hear about your boundaries, we still live together.
Good luck to you!!!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
This is a start for you. Don't avoid it but face it head on.
You are an LBS and that means that you are like the spouse of an addict. You do not want to enable his behavior.
It is his crisis and he needs to help himself. You can not FIX him or make him better. It is all up to him.
Midlife amplifies previouse problems in life. So if he is depressed his whole life, midlife(now I am not talking about a crisis but just midlife) will make that worse. If you hurt your shoulder in your teenage years when you get to midlife it is worse.
People that smoke will die of cancer at midlife. It is a very stressful time for your body. This applies to men and women. Add in a crisis to all of this and it is even worse.
So what do YOU do? FOCUS on DAWN, make DAWN the best possible person and mother possible. If that is what you become then you will just be awesome in your next relationship be that with your husband or someone else.
All that homework will help. The stages of MLC are good for you to understand what is happening but then after that it is best to not worry about it.
Like it says in my POST he is in REPLAY. That can last a VERY long time. So don't worry about it since it is out of your control.
H's IC recommended that he read "codependent no more". I will read anything, so I checked out a copy myself and realized that I act that way around him. Basically, it's feeling responsible for someone else's life and trying to control them. It's not about your happiness; you can only be happy if they are. Melody Beattie has written a few more books about it and they’re all pretty easy to read.
H has always done whatever his friends wanted and never stuck up for himself. It's easy for me to see that he and other people had no boundaries because I'm pretty independent, but after reading the book I saw that I felt responsible for H and his life because he’s too nice and will do anything for anyone. I didn’t want to see him get hurt.
I've been in this sitch for a year and only last week started to set boundaries. H has a tendency to call me, usually late at night, and be all upset that his friends have used him. Several times he's said that they won't be friends anymore, but after a day or two all is forgiven.
I finally told him that I can't keep hearing him complain about his friends. It frustrates me to hear him so upset, and I can't do anything to change it. So I need to step back from the sitch.
I told him that I still wanted to talk to him and he could call whenever, but that I did not want to hear any more about those friends. He was upset with me, saying that I'm the only one he has to talk to, but I stayed my ground. I was worried that I wouldn't hear from him again, but I had to do it.
I’m hoping that, without me to lean on, he’ll be forced to finally feel his emotions and do something about it. At the very least, I don’t get frustrating news in the middle of the night that disrupts my sleep.
He's an adult, so I can't make him do anything. I just needed to realize that and accept it.
A bubble? I’d probably buy one for my H too if I thought it would work!
Sorry for the long response, but I’m not good at keeping things short.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Lately I have been saying H is in a different stage (before I knew about the stages).
I'm not going to worry to much about MLC stage's but I do want to stay educated. It was very interesting!
I would guess he's in the depressive stage, clinically depressed.
I see the change from excited to blast his ipod, tan, arrogance and mean spirit, turn to reflecting on himself, with unrealistic expectations.
Reflecting on his emptiness and endless search, doomed for failure, sadness.
He does poke his head out and say nice things about me again, but he also retreats into that tunnel again going back a stage or two.
Long road ahead!
I am not trying to make changes to get him back. Wow! I said that! I may not even like the man that comes out of the other end of this.
I don't like my H right now...I would never except his new smoking habit. He does nothing for me, (figuratively) , he does not move me, or excite me right now.
Focusing on me is an everyday learning process. Thank goodness my kids are reaching out and trying to encourage me.
My D18 is dressing me....stay home mom look, pinned back hair, no more!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
