oops, yes. My bad, that's not AtLRT. AtLRT is saying to the spouse that you love them enough to let them go, and then you go NC, except regarding the kids.
Hang in there mate. Like KD and Accuray said, WAS is also confused and we're their favorite scapegoats. In fact, the day after my W gave me something very similar to what you got, she came over and apologized for what she'd said and her attitude seems to have changed on this issue since then. No point in adding fuel to the fire by answering.
Take care,
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Rough, Man I hate to hear that she went off on you like that. For my money, that text was more for her than for you. I think often times its the push back b/c they like what they see but it confuses them. Very similar to when things are going well and then one day out of the blue their pissed about something....I think often what their pissed about is seeing good in you and not liking it. And im not here to justify our wives behavior, but remember to that they took a long time getting to the point of seperation/divorce, sometimes years, and then a few months later they see you changing and it honestly makes them angry. My wife told me as much one time, and also told me that it made her mad b/c if I was willing to change now then I knew how i should have treated her all along and didnt.
Obviously I thought I was treating her well...I can look back and tell you now that wasn't true, but in the moment I thought we were good. Let her be mad and like Denver and others said....theres nothing in that text to respond to so just let that dog lie. Go find the letter from the WAW to the LBS on Denvers thread and read it.....read it often, it helped me alot and gave me more perspective. Just remember its a roller coaster mine did a similar thing to me just last night....im gonna post about it later this morning, but she was just mad in general, but I was an easy one to direct it toward so I caught some of it....i let it roll and she actually texted me back later like it never happened....which is about as close to apologizing as she's gonna do right now...I let it go and we've moved on. Stay strong my friend your doing the right things.
Let it go. Your W teed up her frustrations to you very explicitly a few weeks ago, your financial situation made her feel so anxious and worried that she couldn't take it anymore.
I *truly* believe that she wants to work things out with you, I really think she's desperate for you to get your financials in order, get a better job with less variable, get out of debt, etc.
I think lately she's been feeling better about you, she's been making overtures.
I think when she saw that you went out and bought a phone, something she considered to be an extravagance, you TRIGGERED HER FEARS that nothing would ever be better, because she saw you acting in a way that she considered to be financially irresponsible. Therefore, I think she's angry with herself for the fact that she was feeling better about you and willing to put herself out there again, and you became the focus of that anger.
Now unfortunately it's all based on a misunderstanding because you truly were trying to make your financial situation better.
I echo everyone else's sentiment and wouldn't respond to that at all right now. I would shift your perspective and view it as a reaction based in fear, not anger. She wants to get back together, she wants you to come through for her.
Unfortunately explaining yourself isn't going to help. Get up, dust off, and keep doing what you were doing. Your financial situation is your key -- that's what she NEEDS from you, to see that you are acting responsibly, making sacrifices, and putting things back together.
She's got you under the microscope, so you can either stop buying anything that might be considered an extravagance to avoid "in the moment" pain, or you can take a long term view, feel confident that you will get to a good place financially within X months, and not sweat the small stuff, taking the bruises as they come.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
One thing you could do if you want to validate -- you typically have 30 days to return a new device with no penalty. If you still have your old Blackberry, consider returning the new phone and go back to the old one. Don't say anything about it, let her eventually notice.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Always good for me to start my day with my morning prayer! One thing a couple of you mentioned, especially MrBond, don’t let the WAS intimidate you. They will try and get you worried about stuff. To be honest, my W’s divorce comment hurt me and I am thinking that’s what she’s trying to do because I’ve hurt her. I am going to do my best to take the high road which is what a lot of you guys do as well. Carnac, sounds like you did exactly that when I read your thread about yesterday. That’s awesome that you could do things to help W while at the same time taking some verbal punches from her, good for you!
Arsene, I notice you mentioned that often times the WAS is pushing back because they like what they see but it confuses them. While I completely agree with that statement I don’t know how it would apply to my recent developments because I can’t imagine what she likes about me right now. I think Denver made a comment a couple weeks ago. It went something like this, “I always knew I had a chance if W ever showed any sad, mad and happy emotions”. I guess I am trying to find any miniscule benefit from the latest development of W threatening a divorce. W expressed mad emotions yesterday which I don’t want to see. I think it’s really hard to find any minor sign of progress from her statements. Who knows, as the cliché term goes, “it’s a rollercoaster” and it seems like the developments are constantly changing.
Ok, money making time, CMB, cash money brother! On top of my modest base income I can get some huge bonuses, thousands!!!! I’ve done it before and I can do it again. It’s been years since I made 6 figures but I know what I am doing. Now is the time! I know I can get to that point again. I am at my prime when it comes to my career knowledge and my money making abilities, so there’s no excuse!!! I must get it done!
Rough
Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 14 Married: 11 D: 4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12 Currently DB’ing
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
I think Denver made a comment a couple weeks ago. It went something like this, “I always knew I had a chance if W ever showed any sad, mad and happy emotions”. I guess I am trying to find any miniscule benefit from the latest development of W threatening a divorce. W expressed mad emotions yesterday which I don’t want to see. I think it’s really
Yes. I don't think that this is progress, but it shows that she is still emotionally vested in the R/M. I mean think about it... why did she say that to you yesterday? was there a purpose other than to inflict pain upon you? Why would she want to that? Because SHE is hurt. She is lashing out on you. You are the person who she blames for her hurt.
She didn't need to tell you that she is going to divorce you via text yesterday. Did she run out and file after sending that text? Of course not. It was her hurt and anger causing her to lash out at you.
AND, she is hoping that you will reply in a manner that will validate why she feels that way. She wants you to validate the reasons that she left you and is thinking of divorcing you. Why? Because that makes it easier for her. You being nice and a new man makes the decision more difficult. She wants you to reply in anger so that she can say, 'see, same old RoughEnough... this is why I left him... this is why I cannot trust his words that he's changed... this is why I cannot go back to that M'.
This is why you need to bite your lip and not get drawn into the fray.
You are the villain in the WAW's play... stay off of the stage.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You are the villain in the WAW's play... stay off of the stage.
PRICELESS ^^^^
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
All of this is really good stuff. (Figuring the circumstance). It’s just so darn silly because the freakin phone didn’t even cost me anything. I like the microscope analogy. I am under a microscope right now. I am guessing the magnification must be turned on max, Holy cow! I dont think it's the actual phone, it’s what’s behind it and what it stands for through her eyes.
I will see W tomorrow morning for a kids exchange. I am sure it will be a brief interaction however I will keep a smile on my face and be friendly. I will be confident and cordial. I’ve been extremely vague with W and it might be good to share one or two minor lighthearted details every now and then. I won’t bring up any of her recent negative comments. If she brings them up I will give brief answers but there’s no way I will put myself on the “villain stage”. If she ever throws me off guard I will simply respond with a statement such as, “I need to digest what you just said and I will make sure to get back to you and that one”.
I guess I write these things down for a couple reasons. It helps me mentally prepare for these encounters and I also like to make sure you don’t see to many holes in my thought process. As always, thank you very much!
