That's a good start. Stay on that path. The longer you keep the focus on yourself and your children, the easier it will become over time. You have to be patient with yourself and be consistent.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
You can choose the negative over the positive attitude...you proved it to yourself already.
You have already shown so much strength and I sight.
Thinking of you.
((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
LITB- patience. It's what I struggle with all the time. Thank you for the reminder!
aww bustingout! I've been thinking of you too! I can do it!!
I went to an Al Anon mtg this morning. H got to our place and invited us to go to the zoo. We had a great time.
So I need advice... H is taking the kids to his sister's. His friends will be there. I offered to pick up the kids so that he can have them at his sister's place longer. This is big for two reasons,
1-I searched the two of the wives out and told them about the affair. I was supposed to be in one of their weddings but got the boot when H n I separated. And although the she said I'd be invited to the wedding and bachelorette party, I wasn't. I was never really close to them to begin with. Just casual conversations. But it hurt!
2-They all deleted me from their fb when I blocked them. I called one of them up and told her I wanted them to understand that it was too hard for me to see Hs name tagged on their gatherings. She said she understood and wished me the best but never heard from her again.
It's going to feel so awkward for me. I asked H if he thinks they would feel uncomfortable and he said, no. I lied and said I wouldn't either. Then he said, he'd really like it if I hung out at his sister's and not leave suddenly. He said, it would look bad.
He always hated that about me. That I didn't enjoy spending time with his friends. I didn't because I needed to go home and care for our sick son! I couldn't party til 1am!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I didn't get the opportunity to stop by the boards until this morning. I am guessing the interaction that you needed advice on, already took place? If it did, curious to know how it went. Hope it went well.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
LITB- well.... I was very nervous/uncomfortable. It felt like the first time I met his friends/family, odd? At one point I told H I felt uncomfortable and he asked if someone did or said something. I said no. Then he said, it's all in your head. Sit by the pool with the rest of us and have a good time.
I did and felt better.
Later that night H said that he hopes I can do that again. I can go and pick up the kids from a friend's place instead of H having to stay for a short time. This way I will feel comfortable staying for a bit then taking the kids.
I feel weird about that comment. I would rather go WITH H to the parties rather than meet up with them there towards the end of it. This made me feel like he is really liking this arrangement. I'm having a hard time detaching my feelings from this comment.
Pos* I only agreed and didn't give my rebuttal...
Also, he called last night and said to keep my saturday open. His dad wants to go to the fair and would like us all to go. It should be fun.
I went to a morning playdate. Then al anon. Tonite I'm going to walk the kids and the dog and follow our evening routine. dinner bath then bed. THEN ME TIME!!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
You have some opportunities to present yourself in a positive light. What are you going to do with them? Hopefully make the most of them.
Here's something for you to ponder regarding the above question:
Let's say you had a jar containing a certain amount of marbles that represent your "opportunities". Obviously we don't know how many marbles you'll have, but let's say 25 for arguments sake.
After each interaction with your H, you have to remove one, then put it into one of two jars. The first, representing a "positive interaction" and the second representing a "missed opportunity/negative interaction".
Obviously the goal is the get all of your marbles into the "positive interaction" jar. This way you know that you did everything within YOUR control to affect the outcome positively.
Hope this helps.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
LITB- well.... I was very nervous/uncomfortable. It felt like the first time I met his friends/family, odd? At one point I told H I felt uncomfortable and he asked if someone did or said something. I said no. Then he said, it's all in your head. Sit by the pool with the rest of us and have a good time.
Interesting. Do you know why you felt nervous/uncomfortable? What could they have done to make you feel more comfortable if they knew how you felt?
Something similar happened with my H this weekend. So I'm wondering if I can learn anything from how you felt that will help me understand him more.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Interesting. Do you know why you felt nervous/uncomfortable? What could they have done to make you feel more comfortable if they knew how you felt?
Hi RoRoinMD- I was nervous because I was supposed to come out in a friend's wedding(april). After separation(aug), I was told that I would be invited to all the parties (bachelorette etc.). Then I was removed from all his friends fb (dec) because I blocked them. I was never invited to anything and felt as if I had done something to them. It was just awkward. I had nothing to talk about with them because we would've talked about the wedding so small talk was very weird. Also, we were never really close. Our talks were girl talks (w the wives) about clothes, movies, etc. Nothing deep.
LITB- Thank you for continuing to follow my thread. Your insight is always appreciated! I can see what you mean which is why H said, oh that's good you ended up feeling comfortable (towards the end). So I guess I started off glim but ended up good. I even made a joke to one of his friends that sorta broke the tension a bit. Looking back, H was having a very very good time. I can tell my presence there helped him enjoy himself even more :-) (but there's that negativity about not being invited to the parties that's really gnawing at me...)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I’m glad that you like it JKS. I can’t take credit for it. Only for sharing it.
I believe that it was received in a “All Pro Dad” email. The analogy was a little different, however it can be applied to most areas of our lives.
If I remember correctly, the marbles represented every Saturday that we spend with our children. After each Saturday, a marble has to be removed. The point of the analogy was to maximize the time we have with them.
Originally Posted By: veroprado
I can tell my presence there helped him enjoy himself even more :-) (but there's that negativity about not being invited to the parties that's really gnawing at me...)
This ^^^ made me think of the positive dog and negative dog story that my DB coach told me. So I googled it and discovered that there is a book regarding this. Now I have to read it. I digress.
We all have two dogs inside of us. One dog is positive, happy, optimistic, and hopeful. The other dog is negative, mad, sad, pessimistic, and fearful. These two dogs often fight inside us, but guess who wins the fight? The one you feed the most.
Don't feed the negative, gnawing dog.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
