14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation

[adinva]

Acc, I divided a lot of my thoughts into prebomb and postbomb. There's a whole world of ideas and lingo and ways of thinking that people who haven't had the experience of therapy or self-help books don't know about. They just don't occur naturally.

So for your #1, there's a difference between a spouse who "won't" and one who just doesn't naturally think to express love in your love language as you've clearly explained it to him/her. The former is indeed a recipe for long term frustration and suffering. To tell someone I need to hold hands now and then and they say "I won't do that" just seems like a nonstarter, almost cruel. I have a friend who is a psychologist so she has, trust me, very clearly told her husband she needs touching - just a quick hug when passing or a hand on a shoulder during the day - and she occasionally gets through and he tries harder, genuinely, and then after a while forgets again and gets reminded when she reaches a frustration level again. I could see this working because he genuinely wants to meet her needs and does try.

But to be able to express that clearly is a post-bomb ability. Before I was just confused about why my H didn't naturally just feel like I did about things, and there were tears, lectures, resentment, frustration, and finally I just accepted it and tried to hide it from my family and friends, and I took on the role of the person in the family who arranges any celebrating that's going to be done. I bought the cards and gifts for his mom, siblings, niece and nephews, and I planned the holidays for our kids. H has never heard of "love languages" and probably just wrote it all off to hormones (jk that's just a buddy joke).

Regarding #2 I agree my H isn't motivated. You think he was never really attracted to me? You think someone he wanted to have sex with more he would have brought flowers on her birthday? I don't think so, unless, as in #1, she has clearly explained that she needs xyz to be in a relationship and this relationship like this is not working out for her. I adapted to how H was, but he was attracted at one point. He lost that over the years of nitpicking each other and butting our heads against the wall of misunderstandings between us.

The lack of attraction isn't just going to push us apart, it's about the only thing that will force us apart. He was lame about celebrations, I accepted that. He was hypercritical, I learned to deal with that. He started avoiding me and being downright mean, I tried to understand and adapt to that but honestly was becoming a little alarmed. No overt behavior was going to get me to leave, so he must have resorted to his last available tool - this "attraction" that's just gone. I can't adapt to that.

I don't believe it's insurmountable, but he has to want to fix it. If he won't want to, it won't get fixed. And now that it's out in the open, I can't live with the knowledge that my H doesn't want me. When it was unspoken I was OK with struggling through.