New to DB

[~ kd ~]

really great stuff, inga.

You are doing the work you need to. Doing the DB work. That is awesome.

Life sometimes sux. M is... for better AND for worse...

As vets will tell you here... this... is the worse part...

This will take what ever time it takes. Keep yourself well through this all.

GAL. 180 as you can and want to / need to. LRT if you need to. Detach... you need to.

And as far as your suspicions of your own MLC... not to worry... if your brain isn't actually "foggy"... you may just be going through a transition. It happens and could very well be happening for you, right now... triggered by all this...

Just know that the difference is... transition is done with the eyes open... MLCers... their eyes aren't generally opened during this time...

[hopefulinga]

I believe in for better and for worse.

You will be proud. I did something for me tonight and it felt good. My D and I went to dinner at our favorite restaurant in the town we are in. I ordered my usual meal, but upgraded from the usual house wine. Then we split dessert and I ordered some champagne to go with it. And it felt good (although I am not supposed to be eating sugar). And it felt good.

I think my eyes are mostly open. 2 years ago I turned 40. I wanted a Jeep, which we got. Wanted a tatoo, which I didn't get and H hates. I wanted to play the steel drums again, which I did in middle school. So, I am not innocent. When we had the big fight, I got out of control and enraged. I honestly felt like I had no control over myself. Right now, my eyes are probably wide open.

We will go home tomorrow, probably get there later in the afternoon. I am not sure how to act. When I was happy and cheerful when I saw him, he told me I was acting like nothing happened.

I believe things happen for a reason. Unitl 7/30, 7/6 was the last time we discussed divorce. That night out AC went out and we went to different places. When he came home in the am, it was still out. When I came home, it was on. I sent him a text letting him know and also saying that someone was watching our struggles.

Now, our D is having major issues with her legs and needs to see a Dr. She cannot go up and down stairs and her legs are giving out under her and they hurt. I believe this is another opportunity for us to get our act together. To me, it is a sign.

[hopefulinga]

The convo with H tonight pretty much focused on D. She called him and then gave the phone to me again. I asked him how he was and he said tired. I then told him about the leg problems and told him I would call a Dr tomorrow. He asked me to let him go, which is a usaully phrase, so I said Ok, I would see him tomorrow afternoon. He's had a lot of time alone to think while I've been gone, especially at night. The dogs don't cook or talk.

[mamabird]

Inga -
Just make sure in addition to your list of complaints your H has about you that you make a list of all the great things about yourself. I made a list of all the names/bad things my H called me and it was downright hilarious. My therapist told me that I also needed to make a list of good things to counteract his list, so I can start believing in myself again.

Hugs!

[hopefulinga]

That's a good idea. I will try that. With my H, it is probably the list of complaints more than name calling.

The only name I can really think of that he calls me is "slightly used crazy woman", which is what he will call me to other people. I don't know if that is to be mean or not. I've told him before that it hurt my feelings and he told me to lighten up.

[hopefulinga]

We are back home and we just saw H for a few minutes. A friendly encounter. A friend was present for part of it. After the guy left, H told our D he would see her at home so that was my clue to leave (we were at the airport). On the way out, he handed me the motorcycle seat and told me to take it home to send it back. He has now ordered the seat I originally wanted. I didn't say anything or ask when I was getting on it. Nor am I going to read anything into it. He wants a seat with a backrest and can't get a Mustang seat without replacing the backseat. However, he could have gone with a different brand and used the current backseat.

The friend was talking about a heated suit and I could see H thinking about it. I said "I think you've got his wheels spinning", and H smiled and chuckled a little bit. I did not make a smart remark or discourage him from getting one, so a little bit of a 180 for me.

I'm keeping my head up for a good night. Hopefully 2 days apart has been good for us. I know that H is still stressed out with work, overwhelemed and doesn't know which way is up. He made some comments about it to the friend, which I know were probably for my benefit. He's good at doing that.

After feeling blue yesterday, and not really sure that I wanted to see H tonight, I feel pretty good and have a smile on my face.

[hopefulinga]

Last night was nice, a little distant but no bad discussions. I asked him about a business relationship at dinner and he shared what was going on. I knew that he was having some problems with the customer. They have essentially stopped using his services. Why? They told him because he is mean to them and angry. You would think stuff like this would be a wake up call. And this is not the first one. I got a note from one that said they were sorry for bothering him and to refer them to someone else.

He told me that they were "attacking" him and that is how he responded. Sounds a lot like what I go through at home.

Last night, our D was trying to tell him something and he was staring at the TV and didn't respond. I was looking at him at that point and actually felt sorry for him.

I teach tonight and am always a little worried about coming home, because that is when he dropped the bomb. I will try to act as if everything is ok, but will probably go in the house to avoid unnecessary interaction.

[mamabird]

Inga,
Another thing that has helped me a lot is keeping track of the baby steps. After my H asked me to leave, he couldn't talk to me without exploding. Every conversation would disintegrate into an hour long monologue on why I was a vile person. Then, after that, he couldn't talk to me or even look at me AT ALL for a while.

Finally that broke too, and he started to be able to look me in the eye. During our MC we got a lot on the table, even though we only went 3 sessions. My point is, keep track of the little things...

Now I am at the point with him where he doesn't rush out of the house when I arrive, and we can even laugh a little bit. Our conversations seem more relaxed. We're spending more time in the house together, although he doesn't want to be in the same room yet or have a meal together.

Focus on the baby steps and the positive changes, even if they are small. Michele's concept of goal setting is a good one. What could be your next, small goal with H? It could be as small as "get him to smile at me during a conversation." or "talk for 10 minutes without yelling."

If you are as impatient as I am, focusing on these small changes will help you feel like you are making progress.

[mamabird]

"slightly used crazy woman"

I know it's not very nice but I think it's kind of funny! Certainly you'd feel less sensitive about it if he had his arms around you and were kissing you when he said it. I know how much those insults can hurt though...

[hopefulinga]

Ok everyone, I need best wished, prayers, thoughts of support, whatever.

I have an issue to discuss with H this evening that would normally send me over the edge. I briefly discussed it over the phone and he said he would explain later.

I went through a script with my mom to be non-accusatory, calm, express my wishes, etc. I am very nervous and afraid I may say the wrong thing and upset him. I am also going to not have the conversation in the room in which we usually fight.