in the weeks after BD - h talked a lot about how he "lived" my sexual abuse. i have not really understood until i have done all tis work on myself what that really meant. the effect did not come out in overt ways - it came out in fear - fear of everything, mistrusting the world completely.
i think most of us mistakenly believe that if one is affected by sexual abuse then it comes out in their attitude towards sex, and how they handle their sexual lives
but it is not that at all - it comes out in every other part of your life, and your attitude to sex is actually a pretty open healthy one - at least mine is.
but what i could never see is how the beliefs that i created in childhood as a result of the abuse shaped who i became as a person and how i conducted my life. so yes the impact was huge on our relationship
i was wondering if a 180 would be to trust H to handle it..
yes this is what i want to do - it is my intention. in the last weeks and months i have let go of a lot of small and large things, trusting that he will take care of them and he has in many ways. or maybe what's more important is that he is done what he thought was ok to do, and i have removed my own expectations of what it should be and been surprised at how ok i have been with his decisions.(i'm talking about in terms of s)
so what would my actual action here be? that i leave it entirely to h, without bringing it up at all and let him handle what he has to if it comes up
OR
talk to him calmly about it and let him handle whatever way he wishes to
i still need to find the answer to that, don't I?
this time though - i don't feel the rush to come to any conclusion about what i should do. it's as if i know that the solution will pop up when i am ready for it..
but i know that for me, it keeps me on that roller coaster and i can only start to get my balance again when i don't know.
yes yes ng - not only when i don't know - because then i only have myself to answer for, but also that now, i am beginning to NOT want to know any longer..
love ya too, sweet friend zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
