A Huddle of Turtles

[zig]

hi brit - it's taken me a while to work through all the replies and finally i get to yours.

We will always encounter things that force us to grow

that's funny that we cans see that now, but the old me - i don't think i ever grew with those occasions - i just held my old familiar ground of what i believed etc.

i think it's only when self-awareness grows, that the growth comes

you are right about not being able to control how our kids learn stuff. and the way you put it helps me to see how chancy it really is.

i have worked long and hard at this issue for the past few months - it really is connected to my deep fear of - even though my parents were good parents they still didn't protect me enough, and i think i default to "ultimate" protection for s on all counts, it's as if my brain is wired for that.

it took a while for me to make that connection, and now i have this information for myself, but still have to work through it a bit. why do i find it so hard to talk to h about this? i think since he is the source of creating this situation, some deep irrational part of me sees him as the threat, and so there my mind goes, in a very subtle way fearing what his reaction maybe.

this is not about detachment and letting go issues that i am struggling with. they seem immaterial in the face of a much deeper fear that is irrational, and triggered by any threat that my mind may perceive that may take place towards s.

then of course, the additional "pressure" from others around me - and this pressure has been there from the beginning - protect s, zig protect s.

and for me, who was already so overprotective - i had to learn to stop protecting him in the old way, learn a new way, and i had to override my old fears to do that.

so I'm starting to see more clearly how this is not so much about s and what he may go through, but myself and how some deep fears within me still rise up to the surface and operate in gut reaction ways

it's just the next step to take isn't it?

and even as i write this, even more awareness comes - keeping my connection totally open with mil allows me to still have some semblance of seeming control over what may happen over there, and i have to let go of that illusion too.

thanks for telling me about your experiences with your s as he was growing up. that must have been so hard for you. we beat ourselves up so much about how we are not good enough parents. i have to let go of believing that i'm not a good enough mom to s.

So don't worry 3 steps ahead about how you or H will deal with telling S about H's affair or when his relationship with OW began. That's unnecessary drama!


actually i don't think i was doing that at all. i really saw this as h deciding when and how. my reaction to what is coming up as i explained earlier, is more about my own stuff

you're right about me not being obligated in any way towards the in-laws. i think maybe i felt i was all this time. that part of me blamed myself for this sitch, and when i saw their pain, it was the only way i knew to mitigate it. but their pain is not my responsibility and i don't have to take it on and reassure them in any way.


Wanting to run away, take S and run? This is crazy talk not picnic Zig. Remember you told someone else that their attitude influenced their kids? Funny that S is now talking about magical Seattle island isn't it?


if s got that message - it was not intentional. i have never so much as hinted to s that this is an option in any way. in fact ever since march i have immediately said that no s this is not happening right now. this is s's own solution to his sitch.

but i will take it into account that it is possible that because i have thought it and posted about that here, that i have given that message in some way to s.

thanks brit, for giving it to me straight - it has helped me find a lot of things deep within myself that still needed to be resolved.

so on to what you and KD discussed.

I was sitting at the knitting machine working and thinking about all of this, before i saw your posts, thinking about all these conversations with mil and it did hit me - oh my gosh, look how edgy i am here sort of waiting to see what happens next. if mil hadn't told me about things not working out with them, i would be in a totally different mental place right now. i would only be functioning from the perspective that h has told me that he wants a D and he's ready to file.

now i'm all consumed with - he's blown off ow, is he going to change his stand? and then i came here and read your posts and i was already there, you know - enough this pre-information - it only makes me a wreck.

i have to cut off the supply where it comes from.

but here's the interesting thing - i never ask - they offer it. not just mil, but all our friends who know anything about it.

and are you guys telling me that if you had the opportunity to hear this stuff about your spouses during this sitch, you wouldn't take it? i guess i haven't been that strong in that respect.

and now, suddenly after wading through this muck, i feel that i am better off not knowing. suddenly it seems to me that it won't be difficult to say to mil - no don't tell me.don't say "i probably shouldn't be telling you this but..."

and brit you are so right - it really is not fair to h, is it? and i can even see how acting like this comes from a lace where i feel i have a right to this information - and i don't . this is his personal stuff and i am taking one more step towards removing myself from it.

what h chooses to tell me is his business. me finding it out through other sources, well, that's snooping even though i did not initiate it.

so thank you everyone - seems as if i have taken great strides in these last few days, resolving more stuff than i thought this had brought up - or that i even though i had left to deal with.


busting - i am well - thank you - i hope you are too (((( )))))


zig