Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

Wow, it's been a long week. Emotional. Miserable and utterly wonderful all at the same time. How? Well, first of all, I am not a car/traveling type person. I get motion sickness really easy. And I didn't know it, but most of the trip that my parent's had planned was driving. Kind of a nightmare with having to sit in the back with two little kids.

However, the down time that we had outside of the car and around our campsite was absolutely wonderful. I took my D6 on a bike ride and we found a little stream and played down by it just the two of us. We went on a little adventure. I did the same at a different campsite with my S4 and we went around a little town just exploring. My one-on-one time with my kids is probably the most amazing thing about being a parent. These are the times that I feel rewarded for all of the hard work that has to be put in when being a mother. There really is nothing like it. I had a lot of those moments on this trip.

Last Thursday night I had a thought to see how my D1 was doing and texted my H to ask. I also asked who was watching her. (mother's intuition, I tell you...) He said she's been a little sick and that OW was watching her. My heart sank. This is my baby. So much of this situation is moving so fast for me it is really hard to cope with the fact that this is my life now. OW was staying at H's parent's house watching my D1 because H's parents were out of town. Apparently all of H's family was out of town so he had no one else to ask. That is so not true. There are plenty of friends that would have been willing to help. H works until 1:00 in the morning and so OW slept over, I'm sure.

I asked him, so she's sleeping over? He said, depends. I said, I'm really not ok with this. He said, I didn't have another choice. Everyone is gone. I then asked him if the roles were reversed how would he feel about this situation? He said I guess it would depend on who the person is. It's not like she's some stranger. I asked him if he would be confused if he were me? Which he then went on to say that he told me before that he cares a lot for OW and he's tried to separate himself from her but he can't.

I said, so what does that mean? He responded, I've been thinking a lot about our R and I honestly feel that we won't work. I also feel like I am dragging you along on this awful nightmare because I don't want to hurt you anymore. And because of that I haven't followed through with getting a D. I also know that I need to follow my heart and what I believe to be the right decision. I have a great R with OW and I can't walk away from it. As horrible and awful as this whole thing is that is how I feel.

I didn't respond for 15 min. I really didn't know what to say. He then said, you there? I said, yes. He said, I am sorry, jks. What are you thinking?

It took me a long time to think of the best thing to say here. So many things running through my head. I wanted to say so much but I knew there was no use in trying to argue my point or make him see my way. That has somewhat not worked for me in the past. So I responded 20 min later with, I'm just really sorry that I hurt you so much. I can't take it back now but would have loved to have been able to work through it with you.

He then said, there are a lot of things that I am sorry about and that will probably stay with me my entire life. I have done a lot of figuring out who I am. I can honestly say that I have changed. I'm not saying I've changed in a bad way or that I think I'm a bad person but I am different than I was 10 years ago.

I didn't respond. What do you say to that? If that's how he feels then that's how he feels. I see a greater picture but he will never see it if I try to argue my side. My weekend was rough after that. I did a lot of praying. I did a lot of thinking. I had such great moments of feeling like this is a great opportunity for me to go out and find someone that truly appreciates me. And quite possibly the ability to love even more deeply. But then on the flipside, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to make the same mistakes all over again just with a new person. Obviously, my first priority is to continue to work on myself and my self worth and independence. But you can't help but wonder what a future R will bring.

I wanted so badly to do the work of making our M so much more than it could have ever been. And I decided, you know what, I'm going to take the DB advice and not believe anything he says right now. He doesn't know how much I can and have changed. He doesn't see me or hang out with me enough to know. So all I can continue to do is radiate positive energy. I know that either way, God has happiness out there for me. I am devastated for my children if this is really how it has to be for the rest of their lives. We'll see if he really follows through with filing this time.

I did drop off my two older kids to him today and picked up my D1 because I missed her. I was happy and the kids were so happy to see their dad. They were happy to see D1 too. I hate this feeling of everyone being separated and just wishing we could all be together. I didn't really say much but I was happy and nice. I felt at that moment that maybe there really isn't much that I'm missing out on. As far as a R with H. It reminds me of how I felt completely empty around him on numerous occasions just wishing there was more of a spark.

But then I'm reminded of that night after the T appt and I know it's there. I know those feelings from me are still there and I know they're still somewhat there for him as well.

My DB coach basically said, PA's can take up to 6-9 months or even a year to come out of. Reality will set in. Maybe he needs to move in with her and deal with day to day life with her and realize that sacrificing your family and most of all, your small children to have this R is maybe not what it seems?? I hope the fog drifts away soon. But I have a feeling it's going to take longer. My heart keeps telling me to hold on. I don't know why, it just does. And then sometimes I'm trying to face reality and really prepare myself for this to be over.

So one thought that I've been mulling over for the weekend is, I really need to get my own place. I need to find a steady job and I need to find a place that I can call my own. My kids have mentioned on several occasions that they can't wait until they don't have to live with Grandma and Grandpa anymore, on both sides. I think they miss having a home of their own. I know they miss having our family together more than anything. They talk about it all the time. They hate going back and forth. In fact, my D6 asked me over the weekend... am I going to have to do this for the rest of my life? I said, maybe. And then she said, and are you going to marry someone else and then I'll have a new daddy? I said, I might marry someone else but that person will not be your new daddy. Your Daddy will always be your daddy.

My heart is breaking over and over. It seems like every week it's a new thing. He is moving so fast with her it kills me. And I'm trying so hard to be ok with it. I'm trying so hard to have a forgiving heart but it really is so hard to forgive someone when they continue to hurt you weekly. I know we both feel really awful for all of the things we've done to each other and I will always wish that we can have the opportunity to make it right again.

Wow. Sorry for the long post.