I'm the one that set up the mediation. She had not talked to me really until the drive to the beach last week. She basically was agreeing that she wanted a divorce and she loved the OM. Her issue.
I also cancelled the full week of vacation. I told WW that I was not going to stay the full week and that I had to be at work. I'm very glad I did. I did not tell off my MIL, but I did not stay to continue the craziness and drove home. WW called during the ride home, crying about her MIL and BIL. I just listened and then asked to talk to the children. It's her problem.
Theoden, I am doing most of what you listed, except the last two items of the second list 4 and 5, which sounds like great ideas. In fact my father is telling me they have a group like that which I will go to Thursday.
I've always had confidence issues. I hate confrontation and prefer working things out. But this whole thing is changing how I perceive things. I actually am taking more risks than I did during the marriage and doing the things I've wanted to do. I went kayaking with a group of people I don't know by myself, I am going to walks with another group to handle the evenings. I'm taking my kids to church, which my wife never agreed with as she is Buddhist. I cut out of a vacation which I never did before and did not feel guilty. I'm not there yet, but I feel my confidence growing.
"I feel my confidence growing"...
What it is, is very simple. There were compromises you where forced into which hurt your personal integrity. When you release these compromises that you KNOW is not fair for anyone on the planet to be stuck in, your rewarded with confidence that was always there. In time we learn to not let someone we care about take advantage of us like this in the first place. If they cared, they wouldn't do it. There may be a very special case where you are allowing yourself to get twisted up slightly out of love and helping your partner out, but it's not in allowing them to carry on an affair.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I'm the one that set up the mediation. She had not talked to me really until the drive to the beach last week. She basically was agreeing that she wanted a divorce and she loved the OM. Her issue.
I also cancelled the full week of vacation. I told WW that I was not going to stay the full week and that I had to be at work. I'm very glad I did. I did not tell off my MIL, but I did not stay to continue the craziness and drove home. WW called during the ride home, crying about her MIL and BIL. I just listened and then asked to talk to the children. It's her problem.
Theoden, I am doing most of what you listed, except the last two items of the second list 4 and 5, which sounds like great ideas. In fact my father is telling me they have a group like that which I will go to Thursday.
I've always had confidence issues. I hate confrontation and prefer working things out. But this whole thing is changing how I perceive things. I actually am taking more risks than I did during the marriage and doing the things I've wanted to do. I went kayaking with a group of people I don't know by myself, I am going to walks with another group to handle the evenings. I'm taking my kids to church, which my wife never agreed with as she is Buddhist. I cut out of a vacation which I never did before and did not feel guilty. I'm not there yet, but I feel my confidence growing.
I think some of the things on the list I suggested are a way for you to rediscover your call to adventure. Man who is walking the path of the hero's journey will act in loving, but clear and strong ways.
I'm also saying that it's easy to be stuck in Limbo on the DB boards gripped by fear, especially if your spouse is moving towards divorce.
Michelle Weiner Davis, if you read her closely, does prescribe actions like no contact, being unavailable, making ultimatums, speaking to a lawyer, etc. at a certain point in the relationship. She never says you shouldn't legally protect yourself.
It looks like you are at that point. Your wife is sleeping with another man, plans on pursuing a new life with him, has asked for a divorce and has opened a separate checking account. She may be in an endorphin induced fog, but, clearly, she's acting hostile. She's taking very deliberate steps. She may be getting encouragement and advice from her family.
Sure, be the best person you can be. Part of that is reclaiming your dignity. Part of that is setting boundaries. Part of that is being a strong man and father and being the adult in this situation. Part of that is ensuring you and your children are protected.
The bonus is, sometimes, that clear, strong stand turns your wife around. Maybe she'll wake up, maybe she won't.
If WS or other BPs feel that their M is at an end and their spouse will not leave the A, then it is time for the Ultimatum of "leave the A or I am filing", and then, the LBS files.
MWD does recommend not deamonizing the AP by the BP in order to get the BP to that point.
I thought I would post here as well, since I started this from this post.
I'll back off now, regarding the approach that is being promoted in this forum. I do think the method by which some of the members are getting to an emotional state where they are prepared to use this method, it still is a valid method according to MWD.
The After the Last Resort Technique does in fact indicate that a BP who is at the end of the rope and still does not want to give an Ultimatum, but is prepared for the M to end, indicate to the AP that they are (paraphrased) done and moving on.
The BP would then go completely NC, unless there are kids, and then the only comm would be specifically about the kids.
Until such time the AP wants to engage and the BP would stand firm and only engage once the AP figured out that there will be no R until the OP is gone.
So as I mention, it's a valid technique and while I may not execute the technique quite the way some approach it here, if a BP wants to go this route, fair enough.
So either it will work, or it won't. Where it did not work for me is, my W never did express interest in engaging me when I went this route, except for the kids. So for all intents and purposes, my only option IS to move on.
So the crazy train continued tonight. My WW calls and complains about her mother giving her hell again. I reply that she really needs to handle her own mother. She gets into how we need to change the daycare she provides.I don't want to get into it and ask to talk to the kids. She says I have to call her mother to talk to them. I get confused and ask aren't they right there? Then she revealed that she had been kicked out of the timeshare by her mother.
She goes on to whine that her mother is acting crazy and we have to fix this.I respond that we need to be responsible for our own actions and we cannot control those of others.She has a moment of silence and then responds whatever. At this I tell her I am going to call the kids and say goodbye.
She is oblivious to the damage she is causing, but her mother is not. She asked her, during the conversation why her mother is upset with her. Her mother did not answer her. I noted that we create our own problems with the actions we take. That shut her up for 30 seconds. She knows what I mean but continued to ignore the truth.
____________________________________ Me: 42 WW: 46 Married: 14y D-Day: 5/18/2012 D 12, S 8 Status: In my room, but A Continues
