Originally Posted By: labug
It does get very confusing, sometimes you have to stop reading and start living. I got to that point.

The books you are reading are complementary but some are for different time in a R. While Passionate Marriage and SSM are great, you aren't in an intimate R right now, so let that go.

Good advice, thank you

I think 5LL dovetails with DR in that if you know what H's LLs are you can perhaps respond in those ways when you do interact. Words of Affirmation is one of my H's so I try to affirm him at every chance I get.(I was not very good at this before).

I can see that. I thought I knew what his LL was now I'm not so sure. I have to see it I can figure it out without his participation.

HTIYMWTAI is great to gain understanding of the dynamic in most Rs and should also help you in what interactions you do have with H. The others I haven't read but like most things in life-take what you can use and leave the rest.

I agree with this, this book was very enlightening and helped me understand a lot about myself and H. Why we and how we got to this crazy place.

My conceptual framework in the early days was to remove myself from H as much as possible so that all the ugly stuff that he related to me would recede and give the good parts of our M to fill those spaces. The more he was with me, the more he would remember the bad stuff. And it gave me the opportunity to work on myself and not have to worry abut how I presented to him.

I think this is where I'm headed, I'm working on myself and have been from the very beginning, it's the backing off thing that's been difficult, we have a small house and were on top of each other until he moved out 10 days ago. I hope it gives him the space he needs. I think I'm finding I needed the space too.

Did it work, I think so. We're still separated but are now communicating more as friends and parents. I'm good with that for now.

AS far as the questions, when you're unsure about asking it's probably good not to ask unless there is a definite need for you to know. I would always question my motives in initiating and interaction or asking a question.

Right now I am unsure about everything. Maybe is just time to be quite, no questions, no matter what.

One thing I did need to know was if H was out of town out of cell reach (his work takes him to the back of beyond for weeks at a time). I needed a way to contact him if anything happened with our sons and they would need him if anything happened to me.

That type of sitch is coming up this weekend, I feel like if I ask if there is a way I can get a hold of him if there is an with S I'm snooping or pushing or clingy... I really don't want that.

So do a self-check when you want to ask a question. Is there a legitimate life/death reason I need to know this information.

I'll keep this in mind, thank you.

I'm sure you tell S you don't know or aren't sure about other subjects. He'll be fine with it or he'll begin to ask H more about what's going on.

I do, I just hate it. I tell him all the time that daddy's new job keeps him working very hard.

One of the hardest things is letting your S and H have their own R as they see fit. Believe it or not, they will work it out. It might not be what you would create for them but it's theirs and it will work for them. It may be rocky at times, all Rs are, but that's part of the journey.

I don't interfere with H and S's relationship, he's a great dad, I think that is one of the things that make me so sad, all of our drama has created pain in our son's life. Although he still believes H still lives at home he misses H because he doesn't "get home" before S is asleep. This really sux.


I hope this response works.

LA, thank you for responding, this is really difficult as you know. I feel things slipping away, I can tell if it's real or not.

He's away this weekend and I'm away the next, we won't have MC for the next couple of weeks due to schedule conflicts. Either he'll get further away and more determined to leave or he'll miss me and things will stay the same. He's the stubborn sort, if he feels justified in his position it's hard to move him off of it. That takes a very compelling argument that is well supported.

I'm still working toward forgiveness, I don't think I really get mad anymore, especially since last Friday when I broke down, it's really just frustration because I'm not getting what I want. When I realize it I'm able to stop and change the direction of my thoughts.


lillystillinlove
M:43 H:49
T:17 M:16
S:6
Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY
H moved out 7/27/12
H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive