New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

Yeah, I had to go through that -- look at the things you just "assume" are W's job, like brushing D's hair, question why that's her job, and then for some of them, start thinking you own it too. WRT the mites, gross! That stuff happens with kids, though, so all you can do is go to the pharmacist and take care of it. You don't even have to mention it to W, I'm sure the kids will.

Accuray

[roughenough]

Great point, they might fall under the “acts of service”, or just plain common sense category. Anyway, the kids hair is in good shape and I am owning these things without pointing them out.

Right before I dropped off the kids yesterday we stopped by the grocery store. I bought the kids some of their favorite foods and I called the W to let her know that I would be dropping the kids off shortly. I asked her if she needed anything from the store. She said, “No”. I am usually very business like and to the point with W so I don’t feel bad offering these minimal caring gestures on rare occasion. Anyway, I dropped the kids off and the groceries I purchased for the kids. I hope this was an ok thing to do?

3 months into this and the pain is still going full force. I am GUESSING it might get a bit easier but it will probably take a long time. If I didn’t get involved with DB the pain would be far worse (If that’s possible)

I think I am doing a good job not pursuing. I have minimal communication with W. I do a great job cutting the conversations short. Finances are still a mess. I feel there’s been a very slight improvement and I really hope I can turn this issue around!

In a couple days it will be our 11 year anniversary. Let me tell you, I am jumping up with joy for this one. I am sure this will be a highly romantic day with lots of “I love you talk”, sappy cards, hugs, candlelight dinner, flowers, and a fun time in the bedroom, NOT!!!! I just thought of something. I’ve never hired a hooker before, that would be a good 180!!! Ha, just kidding.

Ok, seriously. I think I know the answer to this one but help me out if you don’t mind. No mention of our anniversary to W, just act like it’s another day. I doubt W will bring it up however it’s a good idea to know how to respond if she does brings it up. If she says something nice or loving (highly doubtful), just mirror and say the same thing back. Otherwise, just another day. This is a bunch of BS but I am at least 50% responsible for all this havoc. Am I on the right track here?

I might ask W if I can take the kids out to lunch or dinner for a couple hours on our anniversary (of course not bringing up anniversary to W). If W volunteers to come, that would be great. One again, no expectations and it’s highly doubtful she would take me up on that one. Do you think this would be an ok question to ask W or should I probably just avoid even asking?

Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 14 Married: 11
D: 4 S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12
Currently DB’ing

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[Accuray]

I might ask W if I can take the kids out to lunch or dinner for a couple hours on our anniversary (of course not bringing up anniversary to W). If W volunteers to come, that would be great. One again, no expectations and it’s highly doubtful she would take me up on that one. Do you think this would be an ok question to ask W or should I probably just avoid even asking?

If you do that every week and it's just a routine thing to do then fine. Otherwise it comes across as a very thinly veiled overture to have W celebrate your anniversary with you -- it's completely transparent, and you're using the kids as bait to get what you want.

I would plan to do something fun yourself that night, and I would not bring up your anniversary at all unless W does, in which case you should mirror and not escalate. Focus on sorting out the finances! That's your road back, that's the key to your sitch, so you should give it 50% of your focus, and your kids the other 50%.

Accuray

[Accuray]

I was thinking about you in a conversation I had with FiL. FiL is a smoker and is starting to worry about his health. His response to that was to start taking a ton of vitamins and food supplements to be healthier.

If he wants to be healthier, the #1 thing he should do is to stop smoking -- it's so much more important than the vitamins, yet he spends hours researching dietary supplements. Quitting smoking is difficult, painful, frustrating, and just no fun at all.

Your financial situation is like his smoking, it trumps everything else -- keep focusing there!

[Carnac]

Wow Rough I gotta tell you that Accuray is so right about the anniversary thing. I knew Im likely to feel the same way in November if we're still apart by then, but lets face it, the only reason you would call to see if you could take the kids to dinner is on the hope that she would say well its our anniversary i'll go to. Maybe I can simply read it b/c its something I would do too, but its pretty transparent and even if she didnt see the scam in it, it would probably only serve to hurt you if she let you take the kids and acted like it was just another day.

Trust me Im not here to bust someone's balls but I can see myself in your thought process so stinking much on this one...and I've been consciously trying to make sure I don't set myself up for heartache that isnt necessary at this point. A friends wife said that since my W isn't ready to talk to me yet maybe I could write her a letter, and I thought about it, but there are really only two problems with it: Firstly im sure i'd sit around waiting for her to either send one in return, or call to acknowledge the things said in the letter and it would only hurt/frustrate/whatever else me if she didnt. And secondly im not gonna put to paper anything I did "wrong" in our marriage that she might hand to a lawyer down the road.

I tell you that to tell you that while im about 3 weeks behind you on the seperation thing....I agree with you completely. I overthink things...the hurt is still very real and very raw and I worry myself sick over the smallest things sometimes. My wife actually showed up at church yesterday and that should have been a great day for me, but I saw an email she sent a friend of a new blouse that put me into a tailspin that I still haven't shaken. Its so ridiculous how this goes....I was having a good week last week...got a little down on Friday...had a great weekend and then Sunday night saw something that triggered old feelings in me and i've been so far down since then that I don't know when i'll come back from this one.

Are you still working your second job? Hopefully you can get the finances thing worked out quickly. I dont know how bad it is for you, but I know for me i've cut out ALL unneccessary spending and am focused on getting that part in order right away. I have a a huge business note each month, and with my wife's salary and mine it wasn't a big deal....now on mine alone its a pretty big deal. Nothing I can't handle, but it means that I can't be carrying around $10,000 + in credit card debt plus other payments. I dont know if you have the option, of if you have anything you can sell, but often times thats a quick way to turn things around.

I spent alot of money on some unnecessary things over the years that im in the process of giving up now...mostly my wife and I had 5 vehicles total and there are only 2 of us that drive in the household so the easiest way to get some cash flow is to sell 1 of my trucks and both my "toy" cars and use that money to pay off basically everything except the house and my business loan.

Again I dont know how much debt you carry, or if ou have anything you can sell, but I again agree with Accuray that the best thing you can do right now is focus intently on fixing that and then move on to the other stuff.

[roughenough]

Hi Accuray and Carnac-

Thanks accuray- I am glad you’re reiterating the finance stuff to me, your absolutely right. Imagine that, your right about the anniversary comment as well. Since your usually spot on have you ever thought about hitting the casino’s Anyway, sometime SOON I will have to update my finance stuff.Thanks again for helping me man, it means a lot! BTW, do you chat with earlgray anymore?

Carnac- I noticed you played Baseball? I was a catcher for a long time. I am a lefty so as you probably know, playing catcher as a lefty passed high school is almost unheard of. What about you?

I am sorry about the blue blouse bs, I feel for you. Going through this stings, it’s just brutal! I could see why you would want to write W a letter but you already know the answer to that one. I forget, does she not want to hear from you at all? Why? How often do you talk to her?



Ohhhhh, I forgot to mention a recent development. I get to see W on our anniversary!!!!! I am sooooo excited………Just kidding, it happens to be a timing thing. I wanted to see kids on our anniversary and W just sent me this email. Keep in mind that I never even brought anything up with her, kinda weird timing after my last post. I believe her about the street fair thing. It’s something she’s got to do for her work about once every other month. Is my response ok? Is my gamesmanship in line?



W wrote:
“I'd like to have babysitter watch the kids again tomorrow from like 11-5pm (until you get home.) Could you leave a door unlocked at the house for her. I'll be back then around 730 am Wed morning!

I do have a conflict this Saturday and have to work at a street fair. Would you like to spend the day with the kids as an extra day? I'd drop them off around 8 am... back around 3 pm”


Rough Wrote:
“Hi there- In terms of tomorrow/Wednesday, got it, sounds great! I would really enjoy seeing the kids on Saturday from 8ish to 3ish however I have something to do. I am going to try and rearrange some things so I can make it work. I will let you know by tomorrow am!”

[Accuray]

I haven't heard from The Captain in a long time, I would love to hear from him -- I haven't seen him posting. Roughenough, if I had all the answers I would have my own sitch nailed, but I don't.

WRT your response, I think it's too transparent -- either provide a few more details about what you have going on or skip the game. The point is to *really* have things going on!

Accuray

[roughenough]

Darn, I want your constructive criticism but that bites because I want to say the right things. I can’t just immediately respond to W and say “sure, I am available”. I love seeing the kids but I don’t want to be available on a whims notice. Moving forward, what’s a good suggestion? I am sure I can keep myself busy with friends next weekend but I want to see the kids. Maybe give her more details such as "I have plans to go camping but I might be able to rearrange things."

[Accuray]

That's better!

[roughenough]

Hi Acc- Ive been following your sitch. I know it's a tough one, I am sincerely sorry! You might not have all the answers but you some damn good ones.