Where do I go from here?

[Hopeful84]

Thanks kml. I am just having a hard week, and my emotions, as well as my strength, are all over the place. I don't want to move out, hell I don't even want a divorce, but I don't want to share my husband either. I know its only August, but I am already thinking about the holiday season coming up and how I don't want this to be my life at that time. I don't even want to think about celebrating the holidays right now, but I always said at the beginning of this, I don't want to be sitting at the thanksgiving table wondering if my husband is coming home, so its just another thing poking me in the heart.

My husband does get out at the end of November, and we will be married ten years in January, which does help. I did all along say, my deadline was a year, and I would move on. But we all know how easy it is to say "XYZ" and then "XYZ" happens, and you are like what? I have done some serious thinking, and I am going to take the week at home with my dad in the hospital to just not really think about the affair, it has become life consuming lately. I really just want to clear my hand, and not even talk to him. Then when I have the week off back in Texas, I want to sit down and talk about our living arrangement, where we have more of an agreement that reflects a separation, not a "cake eatting" one. I feel like if going into November things haven't changed, I can spend the holiday season with my best friend and her six kids, that will get my mind of things where I am not alone for the holidays. I would still go home to be with the dogs, but would be there less, but not full abandonment. I will then really just have to make a decision after getting through the holidays about moving out, filing for divorce, etc.

My husband is a good person, who happened to make a poor mistake. He is still my best friend, and we still get a long wonderfully. He isn't hurtful, we talk about things openly and I can ask questions and he answers them honestly. He doesn't blame me, or even say he feel out of love with me, its just our life. But I am not happy with this life, and if this is how being married to him is going to be, then I don't want to be. I felt so strong last week, and this week I feel like an elephant with the world "AFFAIR" written on him is sitting on my chest.. its becoming too much...

Hope somewhere in there something made sense...