I called H to just say hi, have a good chat. All was going well, and then he got onto the finances. I'm not bringing in any money. Sure, I have work experience here and there, but nothing that I'm getting majorly paid for (though a little bit). Anyway, so he started getting upset.
Gosh, he really can hold that against me. He works 12-14 hours a day and he gets resentful of that, which I know has nothing to do with me. Still I get to hear how little I contribute to the household, and how he is fed up with supporting me, and when am I going to get a job that pays.
I explained that what I am doing is getting my MA to be able to improve my skills for the long term! Granted, I still need to improve my skills particularly for commercial photographic work, which I am doing now.
I have had two business before though. My first one I worked like a dog and although the business did well and supported itself and staff, it never fully supported me. I sold it as a going concern and the business continues to operate 12 years later. It's a good feeling to see it whenever I drive by it. Anyway, my second business was exactly the same.
So, I'm retraining now to be able to network in a new industry and get a better more steady income coming in.
A lot of my fellow student colleagues have a lot of commercial work behind them, experience I don't have so I'm doubling up on my learning curve. I wish he could understand that. I have explained that to him, and he just comes back with the same old complaints.
I don't feel all that great right now.
At the end, I texted him that I don't need him knocking my confidence.
I can totally relate to your post here about finances.
I think it's OK to feel bad about it, I mean ideally money and work should be a side issue, but I can understand why your H (just like my W) stresses about money and probably feels some resentment about it.
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A lot of my fellow student colleagues have a lot of commercial work behind them, experience I don't have so I'm doubling up on my learning curve. I wish he could understand that. I have explained that to him, and he just comes back with the same old complaints.
I don't feel all that great right now.
At the end, I texted him that I don't need him knocking my confidence.
I know this is a sensitive issue, but it's a good one to compare to relationship issues.
Your H's complaints are about finances (work, money coming in), when you try and validate him with words, his complaints don't stop coming.
The obvious action to validate or (resolve) your H's complaints is to change the situation with actions (work, money coming in) - the issue is then listened to, validated and resolved.
If you compare it to say, being more affectionate for example - and your H complains about it.
If you use words to say you will try to be more affectionate, but are still not affectionate, the complaint is still there.
If you start being more physically outgoing, hugs, touching, kisses etc (action) the complaint is listened to, validated and resolved.
Hey nothing is ever that straight forward & there are always obstacles that get in the way of our goals, but just thought you could use another perspective on that.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Thanks for that. I get the action behind the words thing, so am moving fast in setting up my studio and getting moving on the commercial front. Maybe once I get my commercial portfolio online and start marketing myself (within a couple of weeks), he'll relax a bit on the finance front. It's a building process, so I hope he will feel a little less resentment when he sees that developments are happening, and I'm moving in that money-making direction.
The next day - after the heated discussion about finances - he called. I could tell it was an apology of sorts, and I took the opportunity to explain my plan of action.
The next day after that, I got an email from H. He suggested a photo exhibition. I was so not expecting that. I am super highly impressed as this is the first time H has actively suggested seeing a photo exhibition. This is such a new direction for him, that I am soooo happy. Talk about getting some serious points with me.
So, my new methods are working (but of course he too is making an effort). I don't shout - no matter how heated a discussion gets - and simply state my position ONCE. This was something that MWD mentioned in her "How to change your man without him knowing it book). Don't keep harping on I don't keep going on and on about it (like I used to), and just leave it be.
So, we're going to an exhibition today WOW!! This is his first major exhibition.
The next day after that, I got an email from H. He suggested a photo exhibition. I was so not expecting that. I am super highly impressed as this is the first time H has actively suggested seeing a photo exhibition. This is such a new direction for him, that I am soooo happy.
This is really positive and shoes how much he cares about you and what makes you happy.
Let's go through the play by play.
He complains about your work ( showing he cares that you are successful)
You tell him your plans and how you are going to put them into action (validating his concerns by showing him your vision).
He buys into your vision by making arrangements to take you to a photography exhibit, which will be a great way for him to see the potential of your career path, hang out and networking for contacts.
Awesome :-)
So happy things are going well for you Yankee
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Thanks for your feedback. It is so interesting how you see it. While I feel we are moving in a positive direction I really appreciate your analysis because it helps me see it more objectively too. Analysis has never been a strong point of mine, especially when I am in the middle of it. It's easy to analyze when I am an outsider, but not as an insider.
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
He complains about your work ( showing he cares that you are successful)
I wouldn't have seen it that way, so thanks for highlight that.
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You tell him your plans and how you are going to put them into action (validating his concerns by showing him your vision).
He buys into your vision by making arrangements to take you to a photography exhibit, which will be a great way for him to see the potential of your career path, hang out and networking for contacts.
Again, I didn't see the full extent of his actions, so thank you.
We had a great day yesterday. We got to the exhibition, only to find that the exhibition was last year! I'm sure he was a little embarrassed about it, and I was a little confused. I just let it pass and we looked in the gallery's bookstore instead and looked at whatever they had on...I am pleased to see he went to the photography portion of the exhibition.
We ended up going to the cinema instead, and he suggested a film that he knew I've been wanting to see. After the film, I was so happy and talkative, and then he said while he wasn't all that into it, he was happy that I was happy. Well, that was just an act of love if ever there was one.
In many ways, he's such 'a man' you know, not talking too much, and I think for the first time I appreciate this male-ness way of being.
Today is another day of activities, and I'm sure it will be another good one.
That's what is so good about posting here, someone else can take that step back and look at what is happening in a sitch without any emotional attachment and give honest advice.
A big pat on the back for still making the most of the day (viewing the gallery and cinema) after the exhibition date mix up.
Keep focusing on those positives.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
We had another date tonight, and it was really really nice. I caught him looking a bit longer at me than he usually does. We enjoyed each other's company, and other people that we met on the evening too.
We had such a good night, and then when I dropped him off at his home, he kissed me on the cheek.
What is up with the kiss on the cheek? The exact same thing happened yesterday. I dropped him off at a friend's house for a BBQ he was going to and I get a peck on the cheek after we had such a good day.
Yesterday I said nothing. But today, I said, "A kiss on the lips would have been a nice way to end the evening."
He said, "Well, you could have kissed me on the lips if that's what you wanted. Why are you complaining. We had such a nice night, and there you go. Politics!"
He's sooo touchy - and not in the good way, if you know what I mean.
I said, "Yes, we did have such a lovely evening, such a nice time. I just would have liked a kiss on the lips to finish it off."
He didn't say anything other than a bit more complaining about my complaint.
How else could I have said it? Or, maybe not say anything at all?
BTW, I did peck him on the lips when I saw him early in the evening.
