Just read your post. I'm not someone who has succeeded in saving my marriage. So take my advice with a grain of salt.
Let me start by saying DB-ing is very hard.
Michelle Weiner Davis says it's the hardest thing you will ever do.
It's so hard, in fact, that not all people can do it.
Really.
In fact, many people on these discussion boards are unable to do it. It's that hard.
DB-ing, when done correctly, saves marriages some of the time.
It's like a Jedi mind trick. You are supposed to behave in ways not natural to you, constantly calibrate and re-calibrate the effectiveness of your strategies. Detach from your spouse's crazy behavior and work on you. Spend immense amounts of energy acting like you are relaxed and not putting on act. You are not supposed to walk on eggshells around your spouse even though you are TERRIFIED of of losing your spouse.
That's pretty hard. You've been trying it. I tried it. It's hard to keep up. Some are better at it than others. Training for the NYC marathon is easier. Joining the French Foreign Legion would be easier.
The core issue is trying to detach, get-a-life, take care of yourself, get healthy, build a network of fun and interesting friends, be the best father you can be, take up new hobbies, get your game on, etc. make REAL changes (for your own sake, not your spouses) and then hope your spouse notices. ;-)
In other words, save yourself, and maybe you can save your marriage as long as you don't focus on saving the marriage. ;-)
See what I mean by Jedi-mind trick? It's a very Zen approach. It works. It really does. It works some of the time for people who are able to do it quite faithfully.
There's a New York Times Article on divorce that said when one person wants the divorce and is having an affair, they are deliriously happy and elates, while the person who doesn't want the divorce is more like emotional and physical road-kill. You sound like road-kill at the moment.
Not everyone in road-kill mode can become the spouse "only a fool would leave."
Also, keep in mind that Michelle Weiner Davis in her book, the Divorce Remedy, speaks of the Last Resort Technique, After the Last Resort Technique and Ultimatums.
You see, even Divorce Busting recognizes there's a time to play hard-ball, but, unfortunately, this kind of advice doesn't come into a play too forcefully on these forums by people who are advocates of classical DB-ing.
These hard-ball tactics are necessary when you can't take it anymore or find it hard to get-a-life while your wife is screwing another man and perhaps exposing the kids to him.
You see, playing hard-ball, sometimes, is attractive. It shows your spouse you are are not a jellyfish. Sometimes setting boundaries and saying no is attractive. Michelle says that the Last Resort Technique may restore your dignity. It's useful when everything else seems to not have worked. Or, perhaps, useful when you really can't make the needed changes in yourself. It's a last resort. If your wobbling, chasing your spouse, crying, reacting, etc. then maybe something more hard-ball might work for you.
There's another aspect that isn't covered in DB: the subtle dynamics of how a people-pleasing, nice-guy responds to his wife's infidelity, and the affects of the loss of his core masculinity. It's beyond the scope of DB, but, there's useful material out there to help guys re-claim their heart and masculine core independently of trying to save a marriage. You might like No More Mr. Nice Guy (GLover), The Way of the Superior Man (Deida) and Hold on to your N*U*T*S. (Levine)
What these "gurus" on manhood will say is that having a heart, spine and direction is attractive to any woman. They would say that enabling/allowing the affair will only fuel her disdain for you. It's been my experience that a spouse in an affair will try and get away with whatever you allow them to.
Here's some things I think you need to keep in mind if your wife had already said she wants a divorce and has a separate checking account. These are for your protection.
1. Keep a log of what she's doing. Days out, nights out. Exposure of kids to the Other Man.
2. Gather evidence of the affair. (Not very DB...don't know if infidelity has any affect on settlement or custody in your state/province) If it doesn't, don't worry about it.
3. See a lawyer to know about your rights. They offer free consults. If you choose mediation for the divorce, have a lawyer review any agreement.
4. DO NOT move out the house. It might affect your custody of the children.
5. Ask/tell your wife not to expose the children to her boyfriend while you are still married.. Any good social worker or marriage and family therapist would concur. (THIS is anti-DB, but frankly, this is in the best interest of the children)
6. Keep your in-laws out of this. Blood is thicker than water. They will support her/betray you.
7. No sex with your spouse. (STD's, keeping your grounds for divorce).
If you want to save yourself, get a life, etc. Here are some things I think have proven to help.....
1. Exercise (good for heart/mind/depression)
2. Do things that make you happy (as long as they are legal and within your religious convictions) ;-)
3. Start dressing well. Your appearance will affect how you feel inside. Dress like a gentleman.
4. Do some things that help restore your inner strength/nerve/courage/heart. Martial Arts? Boxing? Mountain Climbing? Volunteering as a firefighter?
5. Find a community of men to offer you wisdom, help you live to your edge and will hold you accountable. You need a tribe, a band of brothers.
