Sometime it is better to go around the wall than hit it with a hammer. Try a more subtle approach with her. If the romatic thing is not working try to consider stuff that is FUN.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
A bit frustrated, things are kind of long to explain. I will take a moment later on to post.
Eric, even though you mentioned before that you are not here to be my friend.. Well, friends care, and you, you care for a lot of people in these forums. You are a friend to many of us..
Trying to save an R is not for sissy papa...feel the fustration and them let it go.
A few others things...
1) It may not seem this way right now but YOU will be OK - either way.
2) Often we must lose something to GAIN something.
3) Feelings change...you can feel angry today, happy tomorrow, sad the day after that.
4) It aint over till it is over!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I have been pretty busy at work and have not had the time to post. I am going thru some hard times, not because of wife, but of issues I have to deal with. I am falling back to day one, becoming a detective, getting anguish and frustrated. Man, it sukcs feeling this way, any advice on how I can focus on staying calm will help enormously, thanks!
Have you considered asking your doctor if there are any anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds he can put you on? There's no shame in it, and they were a GODSEND to me to help "even me out" and deal with the day-to-day slog of DBing and dealing with my wife's affair 5 years ago.
What Starsky said. I have recent experience with this. One thing to consider if you opt for this: think about whether or not you want to share this with your spouse right now. Depends on your situation and your spouse's likely response. My W knew and it was ok, but I felt a little better about it when I was just taking care of it one my own, I mean between me and my doctor. Personally, I wanted her to see the changes I was making as "me" not the meds. So I figured, well, the books are just for me and this is too. Regardless, as they say, do what works.
besides meds, which I would highly recommend, it's a constant struggle to get the triggers out of your mind. I did everything I wasn't supposed to do for a very long time (about 6mos) before I started slowing down the negative behavior. I would snoop, confront him about what I found, tell him the opposite of what I had been working so hard on (affirmations), etc.
But sometimes we aren't ready to jump into full DB mode because of all our past negative behavior. I believe my anger and constantly feeling like a doormat stalled my growth. I needed to shed it and it happened slowly.
Today H n I get along really well. As friends and we exchange a lot of emotional intimacy. That would not have happened sooner in my case because of my anger. I hope that things will continue to improve with H and he'll come home but he still doesn't want to. I think I did such a good job of making him feel guilty that he doesn't think that HIS changes will stick.
Keep working on YOU doubleAA! Let the focus be on YOU!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
What Starsky said. I have recent experience with this. One thing to consider if you opt for this: think about whether or not you want to share this with your spouse right now. Depends on your situation and your spouse's likely response. My W knew and it was ok, but I felt a little better about it when I was just taking care of it one my own, I mean between me and my doctor. Personally, I wanted her to see the changes I was making as "me" not the meds. So I figured, well, the books are just for me and this is too. Regardless, as they say, do what works.
I did not tell my wife (although she eventually found out), nor would I recommend that you do. If she DOES find out, however, just say "Considering our situation, I'm doing everything that I need to in order to get support and keep up with my responsibilities" (or some such). Certainly don't apologize for it -- I didn't!!!
Interestingly, at one point my wife found my prescription, and I caught her (not in person; she had placed a note in her drawer, IN HER OWN HANDWRITING, noting the name and dosage of my anti-depressants. Stupid!). So a few days later, I just left something on the kitchen counter, in plain view, that I had printed off the internet about how it's a FEDERAL FELONY to violate someone's HPAA privacy and all.
I saved her handwritten note as evidence, in case I needed it. Fortunately, we reconciled, but jeezus . . .
