As of right now, I moved back into the house. It feels a bit weird, but nothing to worry about.
As Eric suggested to ask her if she wanted to work on the relationship, she said yes. She has been attentive, and tries to have pleasent moments together.
This last days since the incident she had with OM, I have been upbeat, and responding to the situations by being calm. I have not gotten over excited and have practiced STFU.
I do get anxious at times because she sometimes stays quiet. Yesterday we went out to get icecream, and she was looking every where. She was quiet all the way to sonic, I asked her to share her feelings. She said she was scared about OM hurting us physically, or in our R. That comment bother me in the sense that I do not know how to reply to that or make her feel that she is safe with me. I do not underestimate the OM, and will definately do not do that. It will be me loosing sight of him, and the potential dangers that it can cause. I am confident about my self of being able to avoid a physica fight with him, but my W is not so sure about it.
Again, I am here to become a better me and cherish my W, so again, your advice is greatly appreciated.
ask her if she wanted to work on the relationship, she said yes.
As I asked before WHAT DO YOU NEED to see from HER to show you that she is committed to the R? You need to write them down and think about them. Please do not make the mistake that may people make and think that she can READ your mind. Communication is key. Also, what are YOU committed to as it relates to changes that YOU want to make for YOU. Let me be clear, not changes that SHE wants. No stuff that YOU did not like about yourself.
IMO, you are in a dangerous spot one that has a possibility into falling back into the everyday routine UNLESS YOU focus on ensure that YOUR changes are made for YOU because YOU want them to.
So how are things going?
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Yes, I do understand that communication is key on any relationship of any kind. The problem with that is that I do not want to portray myself as being insecure or weak by letting her know how I feel, or by asking her how she feels. I do not want to cross the line and create a negative image of myself on my W by asking too much. Please, your advice is greatly appreciated.
I do feel the danger of falling back into the old routine. For the first 2 days W was kind of quiet because she is still scared about the SOB, but she is making the effort to recover from that. Monday and Tuesday was kind of stressful because she would not even step out of the bedroom, I was being upbeat and doing STFU. Wendsday, she invited me to go the chicken wings and we actually had a pretty good time. She started talking about our R, she focused on the stuff we did wrong back before our separation. Again I STFU and diverted the conversation to something more positive. Yesterday, she was waiting for me at the house and was cooking. That really got me excited!! For a long time I have wanted for her to do something for me, she even did my laundry. After we ate we went to the store and from there to the park. At the park, she started talking again about our R, but this time it was more positive. She mentioned that she missed me over our separation, but that she was pretty angry about me. She said that the turn around was me being calm, always attentive and patiente. That felt good, but also she said that even though she wants to be with me and work things out, there is "something" missing. I do see her point of something missing, we are starting a new relationship, and we have keep focusing on it and not the wrong things we did. I am not saying to ignore those things because they will happen again, but to move on our new relationship.
Other good thing that happened is that for the first time in a long time she told me she loves me. She does not say that frequently, but for starters is good.
Eric, I am doing 180's on a wrong stuff that I do not want in me. That my friend is a blessing because all the changes have proven positive, and they have influenced my W and kids. W has been working on her self to be more confident, to be more responsible about finances, and also to be more self suficent in things that she can do by herself, but would always wanted me to do. I have struggled with my kids to do their chores, which are basically to do their room, clean the yard and care for the dogs. I have not struggled to tell him to do those things, well not as much . One thing, I have been spending more time with them.
Another drastic change happened over the weekend. On friday OM went to my W work and left a note on her truck saying that "he loves her, and needs her in his life and a phone number for her to call him. W called me and told me about it, I asked her how she was doing and she said she was scared. It was about our time to get out of work, and since we work just blocks away from each other I drop by her work to make her feel safe. After that we went home. For a long time she has the custom of drinking some wine on fridays, but has never gotten drunk. This past friday she did get drunk, and so did I. we started arguing, for what I remember I tried avoing any conversations about OM, but DB was not present that day. I did not scream and stood calm on that aspect but I was constantly asking her if she was ok, if she really wanted to work on our R. She was answering, and instead of me just STFU I kept on asking her the same questions. She said, "ok if it wasn't because he hit me, I would have chosen him. I still love you, but there is something missing between us." That was the end of the conversation. I did not want to screw things up more than that. I got my answer. Even though it hurts, I know where I am standing in my R. As I mentioned on my last email, she has being doing some stuff for me, like cooking, doing my laundry, and she has even told me that she loves me. I do believe on all this things, I just did not want to take them see as if everything is "like peas and carrots" again. On Saturday when we woke up, she asked me about our discussion, and that she felt she said things she shouldn't have said. She said that everything was going to be ok, and that she really wants to work things out with us. Her attitude has changed since friday, she is more quiet, and does not engages on any communication. If I ask her something is just a simple yes or no. She apologizes about everything, and excuses her self by saying that she is tired or has a headache. She again tells me that everything is ok, and that with time we will be ok.
There was a golden wedding on her part of the family, so I had bought her a nice skirt and blouse for her to wear, but I wanted to surprise her with a white dress, so I bought her the dress. She really, liked it and was happy about the dress that she went and showed it to her mom and all the family that came for the wedding. There was a comment somebody made about the dress being more beatiful than the wedding dress. So she decided not to wear it. She said, she will use this dress when we get married.
I am telling you all this because my mind is not clear enough to digest the information she is telling me. She is telling me she rather be with OM, but she is also telling me she is willing to work things out between us, and that someday we will get married. It is pretty confusing, so I am counting on your experience to shed some light on this turmoil.
One other thing that happended, 2 fridays ago when OM grab her hair and punched her she said that he also took her phone. Yesterday she had to work and when she got paid she said, the lady who gave her the check also gave her the phone the OM took away from her. As I said before, I do not rule this SOB out of our lives any soon, and also do not rule the temptation of my W to get in contact with him. She said she is done with him and I want to believe on that, I just do not believe is going to happen this quick.
She said she was going to reconect her phone. I asked her if she was going to use the same number, she asked why? I said, because I believe he will call you to this phone or text you, and if you do not want any contact with him it would not be of a good idea to have the same number. I said that it was her decision, and that I would respect it, but I was just letting her know my feeling too.
I really need some good solid advice here. I really do not know if I am saying or doing the right things.
The one thing I know for sure I did wrong is getting drunk and pressuring her to tell me how is she feeling. I am stopping that and STFU and wallow my desire to ask her about OM, so that way I will not be pushing her from me again.
One other thing, I know all of us lie to protect or not to hurt somebody. I believe my W is been telling half-truths. When she said that OM went to the house and got violent when she told him it was over between them. She also told her 24 yrs old son, and as I mentioned he is living at the house since the time I left and has taken care of the rent. This saturday when W and I had our discussion, he talked to me. He wants to protect her M, and actually my R with her mom. He believed I did not know about OM, and he was trying to keep me from knowing that. He said that when OM punched my W, they were at OM house. This is being bothering me, and I want to just let it go and continue with my life. The things that bother me about this is "Is she liying to protect me, not tu hurt me anymore? Is she liying to protect her self, and have the security that I will be there for her? I know I should not struggle with this things.
I do not have a clear head right know, and do not want to screw things up. I am just STFU, and being patience. Please, some words of wisdom will definetly help a lot right now, thanks.
She told you that she would have chosen OM over you because IN THE MOMENT... the DRUNKEN MOMENT... under the pressure... she chose to say that, to you...
Maybe it was truth coming out... maybe she was just lashing out at you to tell you to back off because you were pressuring her...
only she knows...
She appears to feel guilty for saying what she said to you...
Let it go...
One day at a time...
Right now...
It appears that the two of you are moving forward, together...
Thank you.. Yes, it is one day a time.. And thank you for your input, like I said I do not have a clear head right now and do not want to misinterpret was she is telling me and make decisions based on information that might be wrong.
I pray you are right that the both of us are moving forward, together..
The problem with that is that I do not want to portray myself as being insecure or weak by letting her know how I feel, or by asking her how she feels.
In order to rebuild the R though at some point YOU BOTH need to learn how to communicate. DB IMO, is really about learning how to communicate…about learning how to be true to oneself and also about learning how to respect someone elses CHOICES even when YOU DO NOT Agree.
Being able to articulate how YOU feel is NOT insecure – that said, what is insecure is projecting YOUR insecurities on someone else.
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I do not want to cross the line and create a negative image of myself on my W by asking too much
Don’t ask too much…Maybe a better way to approach it would be to let her know that if SHE ever needs to talk that YOU are there to LISTEN to her. She needs to feel comfortable talking to YOU.
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She started talking about our R, she focused on the stuff we did wrong back before our separation.
And what was that? What did she complain about? Do you agree with her about her complaints? Were they valid? If so, focus on changing them..and show her with YOUR ACTIONS.
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As I mentioned on my last email, she has being doing some stuff for me, like cooking, doing my laundry,
This ^^^ to me sounds like you are falling back into a ROUTINE one that maybe buddy she really does not like. Change it up a little man…why not do laundry together….why not sneak up behind her when she is doing laundry and plant a huge kiss on her neck and invite her upstairs. I will repeat stop doing the same things. Stop going to the same restaurants! Change it up.
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She said that everything was going to be ok, and that she really wants to work things out with us. Her attitude has changed since friday, she is more quiet, and does not engages on any communication. If I ask her something is just a simple yes or no. She apologizes about everything, and excuses her self by saying that she is tired or has a headache. She again tells me that everything is ok, and that with time we will be ok.
Papa…this may hurt man…..Sorry to say I think she is GRIEVING the loss of OM. Totally normal man. She loved him, she even went so far as to tell you that she did. I suspect though that that male Hispanic pride has a hard time hearing that chit. FTR, so would I…but hear it we must. Trust AA……she is trusting you right now…she is sharing things with you….. Let me show you…
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She said, "ok if it wasn't because he hit me, I would have chosen him. I still love you, but there is something missing between us."
She shared how she was/is feeling…..SOMETHING IS MISSING dude…I suspect (just my opinion) that it is the SPARK that one needs in a R to keep it alive. Find out the SPARK she needs dude…maybe it is sex, maybe she want to be wined a dined a bit, maybe she wants a hug…only you would know buddy.
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She said that everything was going to be ok, and that she really wants to work things out with us.
DID YOU SEE THIS ^^^^ in your post. Man, I would stop talking about OM ASAP. I would plan a weekend trip just you and her, I would plan an night on the town…maybe hit a club…a few drinks and then off to a hotel to do the nasty! AA, make her fall in love with you again dude – stop the same plain jane stuff.
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She said, she will use this dress when we get married.
How about instead of when you get married you could say….nah baby…you can wear that when I take you out to dinner at your fav place..cause we are gonna have a great time tonight.
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She is telling me she rather be with OM, but she is also telling me she is willing to work things out between us, and that someday we will get married.
I am not her but I think she is telling you that she loves you but she is BORED. OM made her feel special…it is your time to make her feel special.
As for OM, In your sitch I would do the following….. others may disagree but this is just my opinion. 1) I would let your partner know that maybe you guys should put an order of protection in place so that if he contact either of you again you will press charges.
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This is being bothering me, and I want to just let it go and continue with my life. The things that bother me about this is "Is she liying to protect me, not tu hurt me anymore? Is she liying to protect her self, and have the security that I will be there for her? I know I should not struggle with this things.
AA – stop trying to live in the past, stop trying to get all of the answers. Their will be a time for that but that time is not right now. FOCUS ON YOU and on having a GREAT (not just good) TIME with your partner.
Peace Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks man, I definetly will now ask her too many things, and will let her know I am here to listen if she needs to talk. No pressures..
In her complains about me, is that she does not wants to feel neglected again. It is pretty valid for her to feel like this, and I am changing that on my part. I know it is about me making the changes for me, and yes it is for me so I can regain that spark in my marriage. It is also for her, why not? afterall she is the one that I love. It is for my kids, they deserve all the good things of a happy family.
Eric, it is pretty scary falling back into our old habbits. Regarding the stuff she is being doing for me, I do not want her to believe that is her "duty" to do this for me. I do help her cook, and yesterday I began doing the laundry on my own, before she got home from work. She ask me why, and that she would do the laundry today. I said, I know I am just giving you a head start, and smile. I am keeping this habbits for me, as I mentioned before I am a better man, I will be a better man and continue to become a better man...
Eric, It does hurt knowing she is grieving the loss of OM. It is very hard listening to your words, yes, to know your own W is grieving for somebody else is tough. I would say hispanic pride does not have to do with any of this. We are humans, and this is the reason it hurts.
Eric, I do not start conversations about OM, and I will definetly follow your advice to just stop that at all. How would she forget about him, if I am constantly remainding her about it? It is really clear in my head, and when she starts that conversation I drift it to something different and positive.
I have tried doing something with her, come up with different ideas, but all of them have hit a wall. I already tried making a romantic getaway, tried taking her dancing, even something so simple as going to the movies. They all have hit solid rock..
The spark that keeps a relationship alive is hidding really good somewhere, and it is just a matter of finding where and what it is again...
Eric, I will find a way to make my W feel special all over again. Thanks for your input, it feels good to see the positives of everything that is going on. Thank you for your opinion, and support..
I am still GALing, but the GALing is now more with my kids. Yesterday we went fishing.. Yes Eric, there is places in El Paso, Tx where we can go fishing as well as mountain biking, lol.
. One thing, I have been spending more time with them.