ND, I didn't read all of your original thread, but I get the sense you are so caught up in this, you are doing more destruction than anything else. You have to find a way to think of this stuff that makes sense to you in the moment, something that stops you from repeating negative behaviors. For example, you could think of all the negativity that is going on between you and your wife as a monster, and every time you poke at it, or feed it something, you wake it up and make it stronger. Don't feed the monster! Another thing that you could do is ask yourself the question "is this going to bring me closer to my goal, or further away?" You are probably going to have to accept that your M is over and that your W is going to move on, date, find someone new. It may not happen that way, and you don't have to like it, but the acceptance of it may help you get your head straight. Something that has worked for me is the "we're good friends that just happen to have kids" mindset. I can't worry about where she is and what's she's doing, unless she's supposed to be picking up the kids or making them dinner or something.
Whatever works for you...think of it a couple different ways until you find something that not only stops the negative behavior, but brings you some peace.
