Grrr. I always for get to put in the explanations before it is too late. Anyway, the bishop is the ecclesiastical leader of our church congregation. Sort of like a pastor or a minister except that our church has a lay ministry so the leaders of the church are selected from the membership of the congregation. And for the record all I did say to the bishop was to ask him if he would sit down with W and talk to her so that he could find out how she was doing and if there was anything he or the church could help her with. I even specified that I did not want to know what happened in their meeting but that I was concerned for her and our kids and that I felt that we all needed all the help we can get.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
To be honest, I think that there are only two foolish things that my wife has done in this process. One is to wait this long to tell me that she was hurting and the other is dropping out of therapy. Everything else I can understand how what she has done makes sense, at least to her.
To be honest I think that part of the reason she became a WAW instead of sticking to it and trying to make things better is because that is how women in her family deal with marital hardship. Her mother, grandmother, great grandmother, and great great grandmother all divorced their husbands because of various problems in their relationships so it is the example that has been modeled for her. I am just hoping that we can find a way to break that cycle, if not for W's sake then for the sake of our two daughters.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Sure, the initial contact was to let me know about the fact that our son's first football game of the season was coming up in a couple of weeks and that I was welcome to come but I had to find my own way there, pay for my ticket myself, and that I was not welcome to sit with her. I told her okay to that and then asked about the money.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
No, we had started the clock and I thought I was doing really good, right up until she contacted me and I started right back into my old patterns. But the great thing about life is that even if we have screwed up in the past we can still change our behaviors in the future, right?
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
I thought I was doing really good, right up until she contacted me
Funny how that works, eh?
Actually, in all fairness, your response to your W's first text would have been really good if it was, "Ok. Thanks for letting me know."
Sure, NC would be no response at all. But you have kids and this was about the kids, so... Really, your best is dim... bordering on NC...
So yes, we're all about changing your patterns, right here, right now... for as long as it takes for you to get into the groove, as it were...
Anything that you THINK you might contact your W about, post here, first. We (me and other members, of course) can help you sort out what part you can figure out yourself, without needing to contact your W. And help you figure out what you MUST contact your W about...
ND, I didn't read all of your original thread, but I get the sense you are so caught up in this, you are doing more destruction than anything else. You have to find a way to think of this stuff that makes sense to you in the moment, something that stops you from repeating negative behaviors. For example, you could think of all the negativity that is going on between you and your wife as a monster, and every time you poke at it, or feed it something, you wake it up and make it stronger. Don't feed the monster! Another thing that you could do is ask yourself the question "is this going to bring me closer to my goal, or further away?" You are probably going to have to accept that your M is over and that your W is going to move on, date, find someone new. It may not happen that way, and you don't have to like it, but the acceptance of it may help you get your head straight. Something that has worked for me is the "we're good friends that just happen to have kids" mindset. I can't worry about where she is and what's she's doing, unless she's supposed to be picking up the kids or making them dinner or something.
Whatever works for you...think of it a couple different ways until you find something that not only stops the negative behavior, but brings you some peace.
Kay. I do have something that I need to talk to her about when she brings the kids over on Thursday, so advice about how to approach it would be great. My son turns twelve next month and that is a pretty big deal in our religion. it is when a young man becomes a member of the priesthood in the church and starts assuming their responsibilities among the congregation. So I need to know when he is going to be ordained and if I am the one who is going to do it. I need to find out early what is going on so that my parents can make arraignments to be here for that as well. How should I go about talking to her about it.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
OK, so you are assuming that your W agrees that your S should be participating in the church the way you would wish?
I'm not saying she doesn't agree, I am asking that you are confident that she agrees. Or is that a convo you need to have with her, first?
+ Does she agree, or not? That needs to be determined.
+ If she does not agree, then... well... that needs to be figured out IF that is the case.
+ If she agrees, then is the church part of the birthday celebrations, or is it separate from family b-day celebrations?
+ If it is separate, then you'd need to figure out if your W wants to participate in the church ceremonies or not.
+ I understand that sometimes this is between the son and the father and the church and everyone else is just witnesses. In other cases, it may require both parents to participate in the church portion.
This may not have anything to do with your W, except that she would want to be kept updated and know the when and where of it all. With pretty much everything up to you, anyhow.
So lets start with the above to determine what your responsibility is, around this.
