Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[labug]

It does get very confusing, sometimes you have to stop reading and start living. I got to that point.

The books you are reading are complementary but some are for different time in a R. While Passionate Marriage and SSM are great, you aren't in an intimate R right now, so let that go.

I think 5LL dovetails with DR in that if you know what H's LLs are you can perhaps respond in those ways when you do interact. Words of Affirmation is one of my H's so I try to affirm him at every chance I get.(I was not very good at this before).

HTIYMWTAI is great to gain understanding of the dynamic in most Rs and should also help you in what interactions you do have with H. The others I haven't read but like most things in life-take what you can use and leave the rest.

My conceptual framework in the early days was to remove myself from H as much as possible so that all the ugly stuff that he related to me would recede and give the good parts of our M to fill those spaces. The more he was with me, the more he would remember the bad stuff. And it gave me the opportunity to work on myself and not have to worry abut how I presented to him.

Did it work, I think so. We're still separated but are now communicating more as friends and parents. I'm good with that for now.

AS far as the questions, when you're unsure about asking it's probably good not to ask unless there is a definite need for you to know. I would always question my motives in initiating and interaction or asking a question.

One thing I did need to know was if H was out of town out of cell reach (his work takes him to the back of beyond for weeks at a time). I needed a way to contact him if anything happened with our sons and they would need him if anything happened to me.

So do a self-check when you want to ask a question. Is there a legitimate life/death reason I need to know this information.

I'm sure you tell S you don't know or aren't sure about other subjects. He'll be fine with it or he'll begin to ask H more about what's going on.

One of the hardest things is letting your S and H have their own R as they see fit. Believe it or not, they will work it out. It might not be what you would create for them but it's theirs and it will work for them. It may be rocky at times, all Rs are, but that's part of the journey.