Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

I got the list, and thanks KD for #41. I think I should get this one tattooed somewhere.

DB friends. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with right now and I apologize for this. I do feel like I'm reacting too much and not thinking things through enough.

I know that it's been three months now and that I should be getting used to this situation but bear with me. I'm struggling to keep up with the pace and get some sort of security/stability for D8 at the same time.

I'm getting all of what you are telling me, and more, through spending my sleepless nights reading others' sitches.

I feel bad because I feel like I should be contributing more but I can hardly focus on my own sitch right now and I feel like I babble when I comment on others'.

I know that I must read the book. I've read the 1st chapter and some other summary pdf file I found online and tonight. In fact, I'm presently waiting for a friend in a cafe to finally order DR and another 4 or 5 books mentioned on this site (Love must be tough, Compelled to control, After the affair, the 5 love languages and codependent no more).

What I really want to say here, is that I do appreciate your help, your time and your advice.

I'm moving along slowly, but moving along (no need to rush, everyone tells me I'm in for a long ride ).

Today, I had a job interview which ended up being a partnership proposal. I'm meeting him again on Friday. I also took up meditation lessons for free from the Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual University (recommended by my C) and approached one of the universities where they offer language lessons to go and learn the local language (the cost is too high for me for now but I want to meet the director to try to see if I can pay for it in exchange for my teaching English). Yesterday, I met with a friend guitarist and we planned some songs to learn in order to start a duet of some sort.

I also plan to travel out of town for a few days next week to explore the possibility of doing some sort of import/export business.

On the fun side, I need to make another circle of friends so I've spoken to one of my friend's who is in the Hash Harriers and asked her if I could join and start hiking with them. I'm still waiting for an answer on starting dance lessons as well. The problem is that I don't have money to splurge right now so we're back to square one. I need a job, soon.

Please don't give up on me, I feel like I'm starting to climb the hill again. I'll get there, soon. I just needed some time to make sense of things, figure out what I really did and what was just in her mind. I still don't know but I was never as bad as she makes me sound. I need to regain my self confidence, my self esteem, I need to find who the real me is, now, as there is no point in feeling guilty for the past. I need to forgive myself, because now, I feel like the worst piece of sh@$%t in the world, but I know it's not true. that is not who I am, and this is giving me the chance to prove it to myself. I'm a much better person than what I've been in the last few years and i 'm a much better person than what my W thinks of me right now.

Thanks for listening. This is just venting but it helps, somehow.