To be fair I threw myself into Uni and could have made more time to spend with my wife. But her way of dealing with it was complaining about everything and pushing me further away - and we just drifted.
I would say things like, 'i know it's crap at the moment with all this studying but it'll be worth it for us'.
I guess my wifes way was a textbook cheeseless tunnel approach which she exhausted herself with.
If my wife had used an approach like you suggested, I'd like to think I would have recognised how important it was to work on my marraige. I'll never know, because that's in the past.
What do you mean when you say you 'threw yourself into Uni"? Did you regularly communicate with her (which reinforces a sense of security for women)?
I remember when my H when he was first starting out in his job (years ago), he was so wrapped up in work I barely saw him, and we barely talked. It was a few years of this - possibly 2-3 years. He then started changing and I had a real sense of insecurity with all the sudden changes he was going through - and not being communicated with was pretty detrimental to our R. This is when I began the complaining.
Contrast this with my parents. My dad works 15 hours a day - nearly every day, and has done so for as long as I've been alive. But, he has always called my mother throughout the day - to this day! Sometimes up to 3 times a day just to touch base, say hi, say nothing at all at times. Now, my dad is not a great talker. When I talk to him, it's 5 minutes and that's all he needs sometimes to feel connected himself. But to him that's important, and he implements that in his family. My parents keep their connection (through communication) despite the fact that they live sometimes in separate countries.
So, how far gone were you when you were at Uni? And, since Uni is 3 years, how much of the 3 years were you like that?
Anyway...this is the classic pattern in soooo many relationships - mine included. I was communicating (I realise now), in a manner that did not enable him to hear me. It got his defenses up so quickly he never heard a word I said, and decided to also carry on down the cheeseless tunnels himself. Unbeknownst to me, I was reinforcing the very patterns I was wanting to break - but then so was he. But, a lot of people do this. Like, a LOT!
It's not just your wife Bill. I mean, how long was she complaining for, or hinting at things needing to change? Going to an OM is the last resort for feeling validated (unless your W is a serial cheater, in which case you definitely need to get out fast because those people need help you just will never be able to give and really has nothing to do with you anyway).
Bottom line, she clearly is not willing to commit herself back to the R fully, and I suppose I'm trying to understand why that is.
Is she simply too comfortable with the status quo? Is this OM validating her still? I get the lame excuses (and they are lame excuses), but why is she continuing to use them as justifications for not recommitting to the R? Has she always been a 'people-pleaser', more concerned with reputation than anything else?
Short of not knowing what the answer to these questions are, I do believe your best bet is to withdraw your emotions - and if that means leaving, then so be it.
I'm just concerned that you might leave with a ton of resentment that in the end will not do you any good, and will not have gotten to the bottom of the pattern that needs changing (in this R or in your possible future R's).
Congratulations on the B-Day celebrations. But, again, my question here is are you perhaps giving mixed messages?
