This post is going to be blunt...a bit of a 2x4 perhaps.
Your parents gave you good advice. "Get a job, take a class, DO SOMETHING."
Leaving dinner in the fridge, watching TV in a different room, not hugging him and never calling his cell are NOT getting a life. These things are doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for YOU. As a result they will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING towards your short term goal, which is stopping your divorce.
What more and how, you ask?
Do as your parents, and folk here, said. Get a life. Get a job, take a class, do something. It's not that complicated. Get out of the house. Volunteer. Take up a new sport or creative hobby. Join a club of some sort...book club, scrapbooking, walking, hiking. The sky is the limit.
What are YOU doing FOR YOU to make YOU a happier, more fulfilled, more interesting person? What goals do you have FOR YOU in life? Have you achieved them all? Is YOUR LIFE as you want it to be? The answer to the last question has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with your H or your M.
Get the focus off your H. Get a life.
Kaffe ask you to list four things you might want to investigate in this new phase of life. I'm asking you the same question.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
This morning before H's work gig he said he doesn't care how his crew is perceiving him, while he smoked his cigarette.
He's so gross now, stating that being a good guy didn't work because he's out of time (too old for this work, too old) and he's not were he should be in life.
He says being an "I don't give a sh@t guy" won't do him good either but he welcomes the burn to see if he can walk away from the ashes. OMG!
I need to investigate a new phase for my life and my kids (like people are saying).
My D18 and I are a little stagnate, as we were suppose to be in another state looking at houses this August, to move the family for H's & S25, S21 work.
I'm not moving anywhere with him now...and I won't leave my house.
So new phase.....
1. Go back to school or work....decide which will be better long term investment.
I want to be more definite rather than guessing what I might do so I'm going to take more time with this.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
This morning before H's work gig he said he doesn't care how his crew is perceiving him, while he smoked his cigarette.
He's so gross now, stating that being a good guy didn't work because he's out of time (too old for this work, too old) and he's not were he should be in life.
He says being an "I don't give a sh@t guy" won't do him good either but he welcomes the burn to see if he can walk away from the ashes. OMG!
DM... please read about MLC.
Your H's comments are so very laced with depression it isn't even funny. Combined with the "too old and not where I should be" comment...
Strongly indicative of MLC.
I'm not saying he IS... I'm saying he is showing behaviours and language which ARE... very similar...
Be angry with his behaviours if you want...
He is possibly going through something that... whether you agree with the behaviours or not... is quite out of his control... he could change his behaviours...
if...
he had an option...
At least... with you...
You CAN control THAT...
Please educate yourself on MLC...
And after you do... THEN see if your feelings are still the same, regarding your H and his actions...
BTW, my W said to me at one point... about a year or so ago...
in a very "pleased with myself" expression...
"...look at me! I'm such a b1tch!"
As though it was something to be proud of... from a context of not carrying what others thought of her because she was finally expressing her "true self"...
yeah right... I know her true self... that isn't it...
KD- Thank you, for sharing a little of your story. I never want to forget that we are ALL here for one reason or another.
"THEN see if your feelings are still the same, regarding your H and his actions"
Don't get me wrong...I am frustrated with him, even bored by all of this already.
I feel like a widow. I have mourned like a widow. Like the best parts of H only live in my kids now.
I am still willing to learn, pray, 180 , detach, shut up, and get out of the way.
I love him, I feel soo sad for him...me...us.
I have to put on a strong facade for myself and these grown, but hurting young adults, at least enough for me to believe it will make a diference.
I have been reading about MLC from multiple sites and I agree H behavior and language really match up with the symptoms.
My H says everything with that "pleased with myself" expression, along with that narcissism tone that can be very nauseating.
Also, H claims to be finally expressing his "true self" blaming our M...that he had to be a certain way to conform to the BS rules of M.
His true love in life was alway God. He feels so let down by God as if HIS finger was place on H and personally cursed him.
So I pray alone and don't discuss God or holiday's, birthday's, graduations, anything that invokes happiness is a set up for an explosion.
BTW: Someone here asked me about getting him help....my local village is aware, I just have to dial 911, not talk and they will come take him to the ER if he's suicidal.
I have also alerted the VP @ his work ( who was already privy to H rants and threats first hand) and told her she must take action if he's out of control. I told her anyone else would have been fired 3x over by now, or arrested....and she agreed to stop giving him chances.
I need everyone's help around me if I want to keep him safe!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Chronic depression is... I think I'm being fair and realistic here... a little different than the depression of MLC.
Yes, depression IS depression. And perhaps in a way, this acting out of MLC could be seen as potential, suicidal behaviour. Yet it is very natural behaviours of teenagers and young adults. They're just putting final touches on their personal independence and figuring out what they want to be... "when they grow up"...
We talk about the work here... the DB work... as being the same for the LBS, regardless if their spouse is a WAS or in MLC. And that is without a doubt true. Some of the approaches for WAS and MLC are slightly different in that with a WAS, a LBS MIGHT see changes in the WAS when the LBS changes their behaviours.
That can also happen with MLC. But as we say about MLC, the only way past it is through it. And so any positive changes will really be strictly about our ability to cope and handle the sitch and hopefully having positive interactions with our MLCer during the process. Not that the MLCer will suddenly wake up and realize the mistakes they have made. Or that the MLCer will notice the changes and do an about face and come back to us, the person we love... that left...
The primary difference... MLC process can be a long process and until they are mostly through it, them "coming back" might be harmful for them and for the LBS. We can stay in the same house with them if we can deal with it or they can feel safe and comfortable. But they aren't coming back to us... until they are done...
So my personal approach is, act with good intentions, not bad. Regardless of whether someone is WAS or MLC. In the end, it is good for us. That doesn't mean we let them walk all over us. It just means that we respect them, even when they are not respecting us.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I'm reading that I need to accept his MLC is real. The "6 stages of MLC" was so close to home I read it 3x's.
Now I'm reading I have to find my own path...while he's on his so I can come to acceptance.
Ok, this I will have to read in increments. I don't do well with myself (alone) that's what he was for, ever since we met and he told me "trust someone....trust me".
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
