A Huddle of Turtles

[zig]

aah KD - here i was getting comfortable in the knowledge that hey KD is here to walk me through this. he'll keep asking me questions and i'll get the easy way out..

but alas - it's down to the wire on this one for me isn't it?

i have to find the questions, let alone the answers.

I think that the question that emerges now is:

When the effect of what several people do, intentionally or unintentionally together, and one little person is affected, does one TOGETHER find the solution or does one take it on oneself to repair the damage that may have been done from their part in it?


If I were to go ahead and let s know and not lie to him any longer - I have to give him information that doesn't really belong to me - h's actions. i don't know if that's the right way to put it - it's more that I know that h doesn't want s to know - yet, or ever

MWD talks a lot about not shaming the spouse. I KNOW that h is ashamed in sons' eyes as well as in his grandparents eyes.

so telling s this would be exposing h to a person that i know h does not want to be exposed to.

right now, i feel that i don't have anything left to lose in this relationship. as far as i know (and i agree with you that he has told mil, not ME) he has just told me last friday that even if it doesn't work out with ow he still wants to file.

so if i were really honest - exposing h shouldn't be a problem now. but where does one draw the line with other peoples' information. or is it mine also?

i feel in a way i have been influenced by fill's words in this. months ago when he, mil and i were talking about the period during which he moved out after mil's affair, i asked them why he told h about all his affairs (he came over one day years ago and "confessed it to h) but not about what mil did.

he replied - i always felt that it was mil's choice to let our children know about that - it was what she did, i only will talk about what i did.

i know this seems insignificant. but h told me during those first months that his father was an idiot for coming back that time - that his father had the affair and should have just ended the marriage then - he always assumed and still does that it was his father , not his mother.

what i'm finding here, is that not only have i enabled h , but also mil in a big way. she has repeatedly made me swear that I will never tell h about her affair. i think she is not only trying to protect herself, but also h in s not knowing about this.

so once again - this is their info, but to come clean with s , i have to reveal it in some way?

it's an ethical and moral dilemma that is larger than the simple fact of s finding out about the affair.

i noticed this afternoon, that mil wanted the solution to be that the gf and daughter do not come at all. her main suggestion was that h would have to tell sil that they can't come, period. that she was stepping back out of this .

i thought that was very interesting. not the suggestion that she could come clean, or i, or ask that of h or sil. i was the one who suggested that h and i could come clean to s. the first conversation she freaked, the second conversation when i said it she was quiet and said do whatever you want.