ok, I get that. It's hard to break entrenched patterns.
You need to do it, though. I know you see it, I know you know it.
But... you have to DO it...
Break it down. What are the steps from "everything is OK" to "everything blew up"?
Know it, study it, understand it inside and out, consciously... because what is happening to keep those patterns is unconscious. You need to bring them into the conscious mind so that you can do something about each and every bit of the process, to change it to the positive...
and then practice, practice, practice, practice... and then practice...
List here on this thread using an example. The most recent you listed above, for example. What was going on, what might have triggered your W to start into you? When she triggered, how did you feel? What was the first and strongest emotion going on in you? Did it take time before you engaged the argument or did you hold back for a while? Is it possible if you had engaged sooner, you wouldn't have got as upset as you did?
Break it down here and we can help you work through this and form a plan to get you out of this pattern.
