Need To Detach, But How?

[NASCARDaddy]

Okay, so the last two weeks have been all about detaching and I thought that I was doing pretty good. There were a few slips but over all I have done a pretty good job of not engaging with W. That was until this morning. This morning I contacted her to find out when I was supposed to take care of our kids this week so I could plan my schedule and she launched into an assault that turned into a nearly four hour long text fight. Because I am helping provide child care while I am off from school I still need to contact W to arrange schedules and she is defiantly try and push me into a confrontation because she is very angry right now, although she refuses to admit that she is. However I don't want to continue to fight with W so how do I continue to have contact with her and still not get sucked into her drama?

[~ kd ~]

You are still early in your sitch. Detachment takes how ever long it takes for any LBS... still... you can not force it, it will happen...

and you can encourage it to happen...

by not engaging your W with reaction... one follows the other.

Detach and you won't react. Don't react and you are detaching.

48 hour rule. Implement it.

Unless it is something that requires you getting in a vehicle and visiting the hospital because of an issue with one of the kids...

it probably doesn't need to be responded to in the moment. And anything YOU think is urgent... well... it ain't...

Patience...

When she explodes. Do your best to let her vent, and then walk away from the convo. Collect yourself. Decide if anything needed to be responded to (ie. anything that wasn't just blame or projection) such as the next pick up time. And respond once you have thought it through and chilled a bit.

[NASCARDaddy]

That is great advice. The problem is that I find myself falling into the same patterns that have pretty much wrecked our marriage. She would push a button, I would feel the need to defend myself, she would continue to push and I would push back until finally I would erupt in anger and storm off yelling and slamming doors. The only advantage that our current situation has is that I can't do that anymore. But I need to figure out how to short circuit the whole cycle if I am going to have a chance for R. I know that it is a process, I am just struggling to be able to start the process and how to keep the process going.

[~ kd ~]

ok, I get that. It's hard to break entrenched patterns.

You need to do it, though. I know you see it, I know you know it.

But... you have to DO it...

Break it down. What are the steps from "everything is OK" to "everything blew up"?

Know it, study it, understand it inside and out, consciously... because what is happening to keep those patterns is unconscious. You need to bring them into the conscious mind so that you can do something about each and every bit of the process, to change it to the positive...

and then practice, practice, practice, practice... and then practice...

List here on this thread using an example. The most recent you listed above, for example. What was going on, what might have triggered your W to start into you? When she triggered, how did you feel? What was the first and strongest emotion going on in you? Did it take time before you engaged the argument or did you hold back for a while? Is it possible if you had engaged sooner, you wouldn't have got as upset as you did?

Break it down here and we can help you work through this and form a plan to get you out of this pattern.

[NASCARDaddy]

Here is an excerpt from our latest blowup. I am transcribing it exactly as it was texted.

Me: So when am I watching the kids this week.
Her: I do not know. I am not going to the movie with you. You should not even have money. You lied to me. I am so fed up with ALL of it.
Me: I did not lie to you. When I told you I would sign the waiver* I meant it. But things have happened that have changed my mind. Tell me why I should not have money. I figured you would not go to the movie with me after Friday. I am fed up to. What you are doing is not right. I do want to see the kids though so just tell me when I can. No matter what happens between us I will still be their father and you promised you would not keep them from me.
Her: The money was supposed to be spent on the kids. What am I doing that is not right? I do not love you and I never will again. I do not want to be with you and there is nothing that will change it. I deserve better. I will not (keep the kids from me).But they do not feel good when they are with you. So I will figure out when you can this week and it will be at Royal's. (Royal is my brother who I live with right now.)
Me: Charles told me that he saw your profile on at least one dating website. Until the divorce is final you are still my wife and should not be looking for other men. And you can't say that you will never love me because you don't know that. Love and anger are not opposites, love and indifference are. Since you are obviously not indifferent to me then there must still be the possibility of love.
Her: Oh I am indifferent, not angry. I am NOT your wife.
Me: You are my wife until the divorce is final. And you are not indifferent or you would not be acting the way you are. And as for the money, your mom gave it to me and told me to keep it. It was not for the kids.
Her: She did not tell you to keep it. I asked her and then she said why does he have to be such an a-hole but used the other word. Instead of trying to manipulate me, work on supporting our kids and being their dad. we will not be married anymore whether it be in a couple of weeks or couple of months.
Me:You are lying or your mom is lying, one of the two. And you grew up with two of the biggest manipulators ever, by your own admission, so you can't even objectively see when someone is being sincere. You always suspect everyone of being manipulative. I know that I will never change your mind, because you do not want it changed. But that doesn't mean that I will not keep trying and praying to make things better.

Well I think you get the idea. Lately this is how most of our conversations go. When she triggered I felt like she was pushing me into a corner and that I had to defend myself or risk getting trampled all over. The first and strongest emotion going on was fear, mostly fear that I would lose my wife and my kids. And the answer is that I engaged almost immediately. I actually think I could have short circuited the whole thing if I had taken some time to think things through rather than just jumping in head first.

[NASCARDaddy]

The waiver referenced in my last post is this. In the State of Utah the law requires a 90 day cooling off period before the court will even look at a divorce petition. However, there is a waiver that can be issued to allow the proceedings to occur immediately. When W initially asked me to sign the waiver I said that I would agree to sign the waiver, but after researching the waiver and spending a lot of time praying I changed my mind and decided not to sign the waiver. The purpose of the waiver is to allow the divorce to proceed in extreme cases when there is an imminent risk of serious injury or death if the couple stays married. Based on the purpose of the law I decided that it wasn't a good idea to agree to something like that.

[~ kd ~]

OK, so just a thought...

This is how it COULD have gone and perhaps you might try it, next time:

Me: So when am I watching the kids this week.
Her: I do not know. I am not going to the movie with you. You should not even have money. You lied to me. I am so fed up with ALL of it.
Me: ok.
Me: Let me known when I have the kids this week.

It is up to you to end the conversation, right then and there. If she kept coming at you, you would go to radio silence and turn off all comm devices immediately. And go do something.

And before you get into a...

"but... what if... and here's the reason I... "

Do this, first. Once you get consistent at it, then you can move forward to the... what next part...

Think of it this way, my friend... you've been served... your M is over... what's she going to do? D you?

This isn't about her. This is about you. This is about you learning FIRST AND FOREMOST to stop reacting.

Well I think you get the idea. Lately this is how most of our conversations go. When she triggered I felt like she was pushing me into a corner and that I had to defend myself or risk getting trampled all over. The first and strongest emotion going on was fear, mostly fear that I would lose my wife and my kids. And the answer is that I engaged almost immediately. I actually think I could have short circuited the whole thing if I had taken some time to think things through rather than just jumping in head first.

The above is really good noticing.

So fear triggered you to react. At least, you believe it was the fear of losing your kids and your W.

As I mentioned above, you've already lost your W and it will be the courts that will determine your access to your kids, so deal with that, then.

The stuff I bolded above? Brilliant notice.

What are you going to do different, from now on? What will be your "stop sign" that you will notice it is time for you to leave the convo and come back to it later, if necessary?

And... how are some ways you think you could do that?

[NASCARDaddy]

What are you going to do different, from now on? What will be your "stop sign" that you will notice it is time for you to leave the convo and come back to it later, if necessary?

And... how are some ways you think you could do that?

That is where I get hung up. I can always spot where I made a mistake afterwards, but I have a bad habit of pushing too hard and too far, even when our convos are going good I can wreck them by pushing for too much or trying to get her to agree to more than she is willing to give at the time. Just a month ago she was open to R talk, but I pushed too far, too fast and now she is completely closed off from that. I don't believe that she will not ever be open to it again, even though she says that is case. However, I could certainly push her to that point if I can't figure this out ahead of time.

[~ kd ~]

OK, so I have a couple of possible suggestions here...

First is, go buy a brick and give it to your W. Instruct her that the moment you enter a conversation with her, she is to throw the brick at your head.

That SHOULD remind you to keep the convo pleasant, or leave... or it should render you unconscious... both of which are positive...

OR...

Go NC with her, except for the kids.

Probably the second option would be a good thing, although the first does hold promise...

I'm really not kidding...

If... in a pleasant and entertaining way... you could introduce a "talking stick" to your W to use in the future... she MIGHT just be thrown off balance enough to be both entertained by the offer... AND... willing to try it...

You never know unless you ask...

and...

if she says no and is not at all entertained by nor receptive of the idea...

then go NC...

This is for your own good...

You know it...

Until you can learn the true meaning of STFU...

[NASCARDaddy]

I am thinking that at least for the time being, NC is probably the way to go.