New to DB

[hopefulinga]

You all are giving me great advice and helping me to keep my chin up. So, for today, my 180 is not being suspicious about what he is doing and why he will not answer the phone.

I've always been a pretty emotional person. I think I try to hold it in and it eventually comes spewing out, not matter what type of emotion it is. And I'll admit to having some hormone level issues, which H is aware of. I'm sure I'm having some symptoms of MLC as well and he is as guilty of wanting to change me and thinking I am the problem instead of looking inside and seeing what he can do to change. But, I can't fix that. And I am a fixer. I help people get into nursing homes, probate estates, help with incompetency hearings, plan for death, set up businesses. And it home, I deal with EVERYTHING minus mowing the lawn. And he can barely do that right now (it was his pride and joy last year and looked like a putting green).

As for the bike, I doubt I would ever be able to ride it. Its 1400cc and heavy. I can see myself dumping it. I used to have a Suzuki DR250 (my 1st mother's day present) but we sold it because we really didn't have anywhere to ride. I am thinking about getting the lessons.

For several years, I tried to convince him to sell the big plane (we acutally have 3) and downsize because of the expenses. He finally did against his wishes this year but bought a replacement, albeit smaller. I've also asked him to sell plane #3 as is, but he wants to fix it up and sell it. More MLC, like we have an endless supply of $$$. The plane has been sitting for a few years. I may try to sell that one. It is really one of us holding onto the asset and I can't help that. If you saw the amount of toys he has, you'd fall over.

I always told him I wanted to be married once and forever. Even though I was over 21 when my parents divorced, it was painful and still is. And I don't want our D to go through that. He doesn't know what it is like to try to be in the middle of your parents, being pulled both ways and feeling guilty. I think my mom used to have a stop watch on me to see how much time I spent with my dad when I was in town. I think that is why I feel like a failure. I know I am being too hard on myself because a marriage takes 2 to be successful.

Another major issue for us is that I am the Chairman of our Airport Commission, which means I am HBIC. He told me no one would ever elect me chair. Well, I'm the first female chair and longest serving chair. When I make decisions people don't like, they complain to him and give him grief, so guess what comes home? I've asked him many times to stay out of that business because he doesn't know what goes on behind the scenes like he thinks he does. He is the social "mayor" of the airport and I know it drives him crazy that I pull rank. I have thought about giving him the "key" to the airport as a recognition for all he does. I have publicly thanked him on several occascions. However, that will require him to come to a holiday party. I'll keep up hope for that.

Will read more this evening. I started a journal today and started writing down his complaints that I can remember and started brainstorming on how to change. I will look for opportunities to be vulnerable with him. If I look into his eyes, it melts my heart. Maybe if he looks at me, I can start there.