A Huddle of Turtles

[zig]

labug, KD - you have both asked me some tough questions, that i don't think i can answer right away.

i have spent most of the last 3 hrs trying to separate out what is mine to carry and what is there's to carry. i am not sure of the answer yet

right now my brief answer is that i don't have to act on this.

my longer one - mightt sound a bit "convoluted" - i am still wading through the muck here

i did act on it by talking with mil and she did call me back after i posted to say she had talked to sil, who says she will not support her brother's lies to s. she didn't know h had lied to s about where he was. she also said that she could not guarantee whether the 6 yr old would say or not say something.

mil also said she freaked not because of what i said to her, but because she is under a huge amt. of pressure at work this week and i just tipped her over. she also said she wasn't going to support all these lies any longer, and it was up to me to deal with this with h directly to decide what is the right thing to do for s. her suggestions were: get h to tell sil that gf and little girl can't come, take s out of the situation entirely and bring him to my house, or come clean with s about the lies and ow.

she said that sil told her to ask me to call sil, which i haven't done yet and don't know if i will.

I did not create this situation directly.

What i did do, along with mil and others is support it by carrying on and supporting the lies to s.

You pointed out the difference brilliantly KD

What appears to be the reality of it is, your H and at least his sister were operating out of what they believe WAS reality... the OW was a permanent part of your H's life.

What does appear to be the case is, you were really operating under the desired belief that OW was not permanent. Perhaps under the hidden belief that your H and you would resolve things. And so... understandably... protecting your S...


the second - how i was operating - is exactly how mil was operating - that if he changed his mind, s didn't need to know and be hurt about it. (i cannot help thinking that this comes from her own stuff - she still doesn't dare tell h that she was the one who had the affair, not his dad - his dad's affairs came much later)

she and i literally formed a tight little group in ensuring that s wouldn't know - because that was what h wanted and we both hoped that the affair would end and s didn't need to know - also, he was petrified of s finding out. i know he still is.

and now i've suddenly understood why - h has always talked about how stupid his father is - and i think what was really going on was that he felt disgusted by what his father has done with his affairs over the years. and he knows how he views his father in a negative light - and his fear has been that s would view him in that negative light also.

and i have enabled that. why was i so protective about s not finding out? coupled with my own feelings of shame that i have worked through now, and incidentally lost my own fears about - i feel as if i am standing apart just seeing - oh my , look at how i acted in all this too.

what is my present fear? the shame of s finding out that i lied to him? is it only that, or something behind that? i'm waiting to see what emerges

am i still protecting h? and why?

is s's well-being less important than protecting h and i getting back together

I hope i have made it clear, that i am not as much concerned about s finding out that there is an affair and ow, as much as I am concerned about the effect of him finding out how I/we blatantly lied to him.

So which part of this is under my own control?

obviously, whether i continue to participate in the lies or not.

if i choose not to:

do i decide on my own, regardless of h's feeling in this to talk to s and apologize to s.
do i discuss this with h, take his feelings into consideration about what he does or doesn't want s to know. mil pointed out that now that things are possibly over with ow, h may want to not tell s about this at all. Is that my concern? aren't i still left with the fact that i am still lying to s?

IF... your H talks to you about the convo you had with mil...

what might you say...?

well - tough question - mil is terrified that h may find out that she and i talk. he has no idea.

your question implies that i would wait until H initiates a conversation about this.

there's another pattern - mil and i take it on ourselves to "fix" the situation and leave fil and h entirely out of it. bad choice on my part to function this way in the family. (i see the pattern form my own family now suddenly of my mother functioning like that too)

so my big question! do i initiate a conversation about this with h and we decide together what is the best thing for s?
or do i stay still and let this work itself out, and if s finds out , he finds out and then we deal with the outcome

how much do i have to protect s in this? is it even my job - am i trying to control something that doesn't need to be controlled?

okay - slight spinning here - so am going to go meditate

keep the questions coming, please - i want to get to the bottom of this - my role in it, by deeper beliefs and my fears.

labug - your question needs more time to answer - if anything is making me spin, it's not what is going on with all of them, but me having to face something deeper - i can sense it's there, but my mind is not relaxed enough to reach for it all at once


thank you - both of you

zig