Fighting between faith & reality

[RoofTop]

KML - Wow. That's something I'm going to want to look into when I see the specialist. You have no idea how painful it is for me to even think of giving up my Coco Puffs. Almost like going through MLC a second time...... not the right time/place???

Pager's still dragging me down today. I messed up again. Was with S12 at his game, on a conference call and working. Dropped him off at his mom's. I "thought" I saw him go into the house.... I probably should have waited a bit longer. I was feeling rushed buy the conference call and I don't like typing as I drive. So oops.

I got home and saw my W sent me a text to drop S12 off at EA/OM house after his game. That was followed by a text 30 minutes later telling me how unbelievable it was that I left S12 at her house locked out and waiting for her to come home (He has a phone so he could have called if he wanted too).

The spare key was inside the house. I feel really bad for S12. I didn't mean to do that. He has a key, but I didn't think to ask. I didn't apologize to my W. She was already mad so what's the point in shining a spotlight on more of my failing. Nothing shy of me rescuing orphaned babies from a burning building would have eased her anger.

I can only imagine what she was thinking after I wouldn't even acknowledge her the day before. I can see even more how I'm looking like EA/OM's crazy angry XW. Kind of like putting my foot in my mouth and not meaning to. I can't be in the same space as her so in effect, I am being a bit of an A-Whole. Ugh!

I refuse to validate EA/OM. I dropped off social networking after he reached out to network with me. I closed my account. I figure it's better than consistently in-his-face ignoring him. I never used the account as it is so no harm to me. S12 said the other day he knows I hate EA/OM. My only defense is to tell him he doesn't know how I feel about him since I don't really have an opinion of him.

EA/OM is another reason I try not to think farther ahead than a week at a time. His son and min kids play the same sport in the winter. Different age group, but more than enough opportunity to see him around, and his crazy angry XW.

Don't mind me. Without school work I seem to have more time on my hands than I normally do. So I'm just hanging out more with my new close friends anger, frustration and possibly depression(?).

[kml]

Your doctor may be willing to test you for celiac disease, but just be aware - even if the test does not show celiac disease, you STILL could have some significant gluten intolerance. And if celiac disease increases the risk for lymphoma so much, what effect might gluten have even on people who DON'T have celiac disease (in terms of lymphoma risk)? So I would get the test, but afterwards I would try a gluten-free diet regardless.

[AJM]

RT, it's in the quiet times that the ghosts appear. It's also when we really get to deal with things (not always pleasant, but always worth it.)

As for the stuff with your son - that stuff happens even if your W and you were together. I think you know that. Let it go.

OM is trying to network with you? WTF is that about, right? The thing is, you need to do what you need to do. You are doing that and I appluad that. FWIW, mine (not her current OM) tried the same. I didn't realize what he was at the time, else I would have done the same. Looking back, I won't waste my time with people that don't share my integrity nor my values. OM is high on that list. That's not the old me, but I've learned...

Keep positive and as you feel the feelings, let them be felt and then put them away.

My $0.04 worth,

AJ

[RoofTop]

I'm trying to explore the feelings and it's not going according to plan. I have lots of time between semesters here and I just can't seem to get done what I want with these feelings. I'm not really sold on the depressions stuff. Looking into it further, I jsut don't see my fit.

I do feel as though I need to cry it out, but the only times I'm on the verge of crying I'm in a place I can't afford to lose it. It's never when I'm home alone in the quiet. My praying has become more like pleading as of late.

I couldn't take what happened the other day with S12 and my angry W's text. I realized the next day I was played by S12. I don't think he wanted me to see his mom at EA/OM's house and he faked being able to get into the house and hid in the doorway as I pulled away. When the W and I met to exchange the kids I felt it necessary to pull S12 off to the side with his mom. I told him some things didn't add up and even though he's not in trouble and we're not angry with him, he needs to understand why we were both upset. I'm thinking my W was feeling a little egg on her face after that exchange. She was white hot mad at me the night before and to find out she was wrong about me probably didn't sit well after she told everyone what a schmuck I am for having left S12 on the front porch of a locked house.

I definitly got that vibe when I saw that my W's friend form HS was in town for the weekend. She's bitter about her "life" too and it's even more pronounced on her face than it was when she came into town a few months back. I found myself thinking about her H and how he's holding up. I wonder where he's at in all this. I thought of how my W and her friend were during HS and how they're acting now and lack of moral integrity is one of them. They seemed to lose touch with each other until the run up to MLC so it seems only natural that they would be goofing off together as each other support base. I looked at her the other day I realized I never really liked her. She always thought she was better than my W and now it seems rather empowering for my W to be living the dream that her friend wants to live. The look on her face as she avoided me was the same level of contempt I've been getting from my W for the past 2 years.

Aside from that I noticed that again, my hand were shaking uncontrollably. This is a phenomena to me in that I've never had this happen to me before, but it seems par for the course when talking to my W in person. I don't like having to meet with her face to face, but when I have to talk to her, my hands shake. I'm not really sure why. I'm not used to this at all. My hands don't even shake when I have to speak to a large group of people, even when I know I have no idea what I'm talking about.

My hands shake uncontrollably when I have to talk to my W in person and I often feel like crying, but only when it's inconvenient to do so. I think that I may be trying too hard to figure this out vs. just letting it happen. I just want it to go away. I still don't feel human.

I don't know about depression. I haven't lost my appetite, but I struggle to keep the weight on. I don't feel like doing social things, but then again I do. I don't care what my W does or with who, but I hate hearing that she's going to do something that someone who claims to be hurting financially shouldn't be doing. I hate it when S12 gives me flack about caring when all his mom does is bad mouth me to others and I can't tell him how much that hurts me or that I don't care about his mom the way he thinks I do.

Thinking about it, it does hurt that she talks/thinks about me the way she does. I don't deserve it at all. I've read enough about MLC to know why she does/says what she does, but it's so damn hurtful. I want so bad to let go. There's so many people in this forum and other forums online, why is it so hard to meet people like the ones here? Granted, I don't think that's the best thing for me, but a sense of commrodery would be nice.

It also hurts that I can't trust my W at all. I gave her more of me than I ever had anyone else. I have no regrets because I'm glad to know that i at least tried. I guess I'm hurting over what comes next. She can't live like this forever. I never knew this woman, so thinking about the possibility of her coming down the mountain someday is painful. I have so much guilt over how I feel and not being able to share it with her, so I fear I will hate her for it. I want to stop hurting. My smile isn't fake at work or in public and I want to feel like that more often.

Just another day......

[AJM]

Hey RT. Good to hear things are progressing. You may not see it, but I do...

As for the hands; think that might be a subconscious way of your body dealing with your emotions? Sounds like it to me, but curious what your thoughts are?

A child that played his parents?? Say it ain't so...

My suggestion? Focus on something and see it through. For example, focus on the fact that your trust is broken, deal with it, and let it go. Then perhaps you can go after the guilt, address it and forgive yourself. Then maybe the bit about her saying (presumably - not sure what you heard and what you think she is saying from these posts) defamatory things about you?

You need to address these things. May as well get started. But one thing, when you address it and set it aside, be sure you are really done with that one issue/emotion. Don't hurry through it so much that you later have to bring it back up.

For the hands? Perhaps some cognitive therapy would help? Kind of like when you get in front of a crowd of a thousand people and have to chatter on. In this case, you may have to think of something else when dealing with her. And clearing the guilt and trust issues out will help as well.

I've been there. I know what you're saying. But you have to take one step out at a time. No shortcuts. If you try, you'll see what I'm saying later.

Keep progressing!
AJ

[RoofTop]

Well I gave it one last ditch effort, a final push to try and power through all this nonsense before school starts back up. I had loaded a bunch of emotionally charged songs into one playlist the day before. After work I came for the main event and set the stage as best I could.

I went for a run to try and make myself physically exhausted. I grabbed the emotional songs on the mp3 player and with the help of a glass of wine.....or 2, sat on the floor in a room in the dark. I tried to visit each thought that has been bringing me sadness or anger. I wanted to visit the dark places of my mind and just surrender to it all.

I failed. I got too easily distracted. Where i encountered hurt, I found resolve. Where I encountered anger I couldn't find it's purpose. Every negative thought or feeling was followed with "why?".

I even tried to write all my feelings in a letter to mail to myself. I'd heard the physical act of mailing yourself the letter to tear apart later is therapudic. I struggled to find the resolve to finish the letter and found that the more I tried to find something to write about the less I had to write. I'll mail it Monday anyway. Whatever, I tried.

I prayed before going to bed, daring to be so selfish as to ask what I'm supposed to do now? What more am I supposed to do? What is wanted of me? Just tell me already......

I know I'll not be told. I know I have to do or see something, but it will not be as easy as just falling into my lap. This $ucks.

So school starts for me and the kids this coming week and I feel as though I accomplished nothing in regards to personal growth in regards to pushing through the hurt. I'm right where I started with the feelings of wanting to meet new people and do new things, but then not feeling like it.

I just don't know what it's going to take. I guess I'll continue to be selfish for now by praying for help to let go of her.

I didn't look at her today, nor did I acknowledge her. I felt nothing. S12 is having a hard time with EA/OM's kids and I still can't do anything about it. He hates that EA/OM is always around, but I'd be dissapointed if he wasn't because that would mean I'm wrong.

S6 chimed in today to make things hard. We were just talking about "stuff" in general and I was asked if I would take him on a trip here and there. I told the boys I want very much to take them on a trip and have plans to go to 1 of 2 places depending on the cost. With every idea came input from S6 that mom would come with us when we get back together and she'll sleep in the same bed as me.

This was taking it too far for S12, but I stopped him short of responding to his brother and told S6 to never let go of his dreams. The damage was done for several hours. S12 is in a better mood of sorts right now, but it took a few hours. Admittedly, those words coming from S6 were hard on me too and not because I feel hopeful, but because my W couldn't see through her MLC to notice what she's done/doing to them and chose to leave instead.

[TSquared2]

Hey RT,

I am sorry you are struggling right now..sometimes you can't "force" it, you just have to keep feeling through your feelings until they run their course. During all this we have to push feelings aside to not do more damage at the moment, but eventually those pushed aside feelings will arise and demand being dealt with, on their terms and their time. I have been fighting resentment and anger this past week, all stuff pushed aside last fall/winter...it wants its due...I am with ya. Have you tried the "Be still and know" meditation for PTSD vets? Google it if you haven't.

but because my W couldn't see through her MLC to notice what she's done/doing to them and chose to leave instead.

They can't, RT...they just can't, until they have run their course and are ready. And even then, it may be too late, or too much guilt, and they run again. It is a crisis, they are doing the only things they can think of to escape the turmoil and pain inside, wrong as it is. Find your compassion RT, I think of my W as being mentally ill last summer/fall/winter/spring, and trying to recover from it now...she has given me glimpses into what is going on...compassion is my way to peace, which I need so I can be the best for my kids...you know exactly what I mean, you have written it.

Time, patience, and compassion my friend, for W, your sons, and for YOURSELF.

It will come when it comes.



T^2

[RoofTop]

I read the new posting by StillRemains and one thing that stands out among so many others is the part about being talked about as though the LBS is the worst person in the world. There's a lot of other key plays the MLC-er runs that we all see very clearly. I'm struggling with "why". We know what they're doing and even though we don't understand how they feel, we know more about it that they do. Asking a rhetorical question here - So "why" does it make it so hard to relive the awkward teenager years for the LBS? We're more mature, more aware, more intelligent than we were back then. So "why" can't we laugh off these petty teenage antics?

There's a few folks in the forums that have weighed in on other threads with really good insight and experiences and admittedly, T^2, yous and AJ's are the hardest for me. You're the extreme of both ends of the spectrum. On one side there's AJ, with advanced personal growth, but a possible loss of his W forever. On the other is you, with advanced personal growth and the possibility that you and your W will pull through. I don't know where I'll fall in that spectrum. Thinking about my W never coming back doesn't bring me down or make me feel hostile, but what does affect me is the possibility that she'll run that familiar MLC play of trying to reconnect.

So I'm trying to look into that as well. If she's gone forever, she's gone, but the thought of her "possibly" wanting to reconnect somewhere down the road and the high risk of that failing is harsh.

I do want someone in my life. I'm pretty certain of that these days, but I just don't know what my expectations are for what void they will fill. I'm not aching for a physical partner so much as I'm aching for someone to just talk too. My apprehension comes from knowing that I'm not afraid to be honest and I don't want someone to get too close to me in the event that any baggage I may have might cause harm to someone I don't want to hurt.

I'm also well aware of a night very long ago that gets replayed over and over again when I least expect it. When my W and I were dating I asked God for her to be the end of the line for me. She was/is different from all the others and I wanted her to be the 'one'. That I was tired of not being happy with someone for one reason or another and that unlike the others, I respected her.

I bring this up because even though I'm not overly religious and definitely wasn't 14 years ago, I can recall certain times that a mere coincidence seemed a bit fishy. I'm also aware that there are several coincidences now that tend to be in line with what I'm asking of God these days. I'm just saying that I'm not ruling anything out.

I'm apprehensive about this coming school year for the kids. This is going to be very hard on them because their mom lives several miles away and it's very uncool to ask them to wake up at 5:30AM to catch a 7AM bus and also ask me to wake up earlier in order to make that happen since the bus stop is only 5 houses down from me. She has a right to the kids too, but I know she's not thinking of them so much these days. Granted, if I don't want "help" by driving miles out of my way to our half way point, then I'm just further feeding her cruddy feelings about me.

There's definitely a lot of animosity on my part in regards to not being allowed to tell her how I really feel. I know it's not about me anymore and trying to make it about me will make things worse. I'm also aware of the fact that in the pre-MLC past, when I tried to make it about 'me', I was often wrong. Sometimes it feels like compassion is very hard to come by.

[RoofTop]

Yep, still frustrated. My hands weren't shaking today until I noticed it when I met with my W today. I didn't leave upset or anything, but I wasn't interested in speaking to her. I'm sure I look like she does to me - very unattractively angry.

I told her she would need to work out a way to get the kids to school 1 day next week because I wouldn't be home. She asked why work was all of a sudden an issue and I told her it wasn't work that would be keeping me from home Monday morning. Thankfully she dropped it since it's my doctors appt that I don't want to discuss with her. I don't ask her about what she's doing, she needs to figure it out and stay out of my business.

It was later that she sent me a text asking if I was going to see a lawyer. I replied simply: No.

Then she asked of I have seen one yet. I didn't want to inform her one way or the other so I simply replied that I'm waiting for her to serve me papers and I'll figure it out then.

She texted back that she was hoping we could work everything out and use the same lawyer to save money.

Lol - I'm no fool. I've done some homework on this and there's no way that's a good idea.

I replied in kind that we could work out the details ourselves and that's fine, but I've not seen anything anywhere that says that using the same lawyer is a good idea and I'm not interested in that.

I'm aggitated right now. So much for getting into my school books tonight. I'll try later, but right now I need to call down.

The old Seinfeld episode that's been visiting me lately is the "Serenity Now!" episode. Whenever they were frustrated or angry it was always "Serenity Now!". In the end were those very wise words - "Serenity now George. Insanity later."

That line brings a smile to my face, more than ever these days. Reminds me to own up to things, but never lose sight.

[AJM]

On one side there's AJ, with advanced personal growth, but a possible loss of his W forever. On the other is you, with advanced personal growth and the possibility that you and your W will pull through. I don't know where I'll fall in that spectrum.

Hmm.. I see this a little differently. T and I have the same thing in common - we both let go and let them figure out what they are going to do. Personally, I held on as long as I could, but honestly, she tried really hard to burn the relationship down. Really hard. She'd like to think I cheated on her or got one over on her or whatever it is she makes up these days. It changes, so I can guess whatever I want and be just as accurate.

But you'll notice in all of these stories that we all get to a point where we realize we have to let them go to take their trip. I wish my ex lots of luck and good fortune in her next marriage (this weekend I believe). I really do. But I will not waste a moment on her nor will I talk to her. In that sense, she is lost forever. I do not want her back. I want her to be well. I want my life to continue and to be wanted.

I do want someone in my life. I'm pretty certain of that these days, but I just don't know what my expectations are for what void they will fill. I'm not aching for a physical partner so much as I'm aching for someone to just talk too. My apprehension comes from knowing that I'm not afraid to be honest and I don't want someone to get too close to me in the event that any baggage I may have might cause harm to someone I don't want to hurt.

Right. I know exactly what you're saying, but I have to say that at this point, I'm not really interested in taking on somebody else. I did for quite a while. Even was pondering if I wanted more kids.

To tell the truth, I like not being tied down. It's refreshing after the past several years. Those years were oppressive and I let them become depressing. I allowed them to go on for far longer than I would have liked. In my case, as in many, I needed to know what her decision was going to be. Less than 6 months after the divorce was finalized, I found out what I knew all along. There is no going back.

Friends? If the last 1000 days is any indication, that won't be possible with this woman. It's taken a long time to get to the point where I can say that easily. Where I don't get up in the morning and it is my first thought every day. Some days perhaps, but more often than not, it is not.

It's crazy. They try to stay inserted in your life in some cases. Mine did/does. It was not what I expected and it took a while to figure out exactly what I wanted and that there was no hope. There was, in my case, no hope because I refused after a certain point. Regardless of her back and forth.

You may not have to worry about that back and forth inconsistent behavior. That would be a blessing.

Keep going. Don't try so hard, but rather let it happen. Just give yourself permission and realize that the grieving you need to do will occur when it will. Not when you tell it to.

Peace,

AJ