Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

What a loaded weekend this has been.

25yearsMLC, thanks for dropping by, and thanks for your comments. I am listening if not always acting on it.

I now realise I need to relax big time. I'm feeling stressed and needy as you said. I need to work harder on GAL and hopefully that will help me relax a bit and give myself a break. Up to now, most of my efforts went on 180s and it looks like what I've done so far has been noticed. Now I need to make sure I stick with it and maintain the changes. Frankly, I feel good about them and yes I am a bit hard on myself but I don't want to be that other person anymore. I like who I'm slowly becoming.

I really hope I get the DR book fast. I'm sure it will help a lot. I've read the first chapter and a summary of the steps and it sounds very interesting.

Now, to carry on with my weekend, just tonight, W got back with D8 quite late and although I was a bit cross, I didn’t say anything and acted “as if” all was fine. I kept my passive aggressive behavior in check and received them happily with good humour and fun.

After D8 was in bed, W left the room and asked me to follow so I did. In the living room, she sat on the sofa and I joined her there. She then began to talk, and I listened (yes I know, kind of a 180 for me, isn’t it?).

She talked about many things and again mentioned how I looked happy. She said that she tells her friends that I seem much happier now. She even commented on my smile, saying that it was the smile of the “me” she met back then. She was glad I was becoming a better person and that she noticed that even D8 seemed much more relaxed around me.

She then talked about the past. About how she used to be afraid to come in the house when she got back from work, in the night. How she would stay in the car until the mosquitoes would drive her in. She said she didn’t know why, she just didn’t look forward to being back in my presence. She talked about how one day I got yelling at some other driver in traffic and how she observed the scene wondering who this man next to her was. She said that she probably should have said something but that she didn’t have the confidence to do so. That she just wanted to keep the peace. Then she broke down in tears and I took her hand and put my arm around her. She cried a bit and then I pulled back, our hand still in each other’s.

We talked a bit about the city where we lived when D8 was born and how this event probably started me on my anger journey. She’d told me in the past that she had resented me back then for being more distant, a thing that I didn’t remember. Now, she got into how she felt alone after the birth, how she felt inadequate and unattractive and how she carried the weight of parenthood by herself. She said she wished I had been more involved in taking care of D8. I thought I had been but nonetheless, I validated and told her I understood how she might have felt that. We both agreed that there should be education on such things in high school.

Other things she mentioned were about never being in control. She felt that she was again keeping the peace by simply agreeing to whatever was on the table. She felt that I resented her for not working (a real job) and bringing home an income. She quoted something I had apparently said in a situation where I told her that I had to go to work every day to provide for us and that all I was asking her to do was to support me when I had a bad day. I told her I didn’t remember the event but that I’m sure that at times I might have said something like that or even show resentment but I assured her that I never actually felt that way. I said that I understood how she felt but that I felt that I had always supported her in her music. That I never wanted her to have to work a job for the local salary when she could be working on her music. I also said that it had always been important to me that she did what she wanted and that although my words, at times, didn’t support that, I believed my actions had always supported that. She agreed that I had supported her and respected her choices that way.

She said that she didn’t know how to behave/react while I was going through my depression (neither of us knew I was going through a depression at the time), and that she wished she had talked to me then.

She said that she was beginning to feel more confident and that she felt happy at the moment, especially that I seemed to be happy as well. She said that we were all going through a process. That sometimes, she hears her girlfriends talk about their marital problems and asks herself why people bother going through that? I told her that maybe there is a balance and you accept the bad so you can get at the good. She agreed but still wonder what the point was.

It was a good talk, with laughter and smiles, eye contact, reminiscing and an overall good feeling for both of us. I kept my mouth shut for the most and validated her feelings whenever I could. We didn’t talk about the future but the eye contact and the smiles were encouraging. Nonetheless, I’m quite sure I’m in for a long journey as she mentioned at one point that she didn’t know where her self-esteem issues stemmed from but that she was slowly resolving them. But it’ll take some time, she said.
I’m thankful for this evening. I have a feeling that we can become friends again.

And most importantly, I managed to STFU, most of the time.

Thanks again 25yearsMLC, I had just read your reply before this happened so the advice was fresh. I'll focus on that in future convos.