Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - Looks Like What

[Valeska19]

@25
Thanks for checking in... it's been a little rough being back.. I was on the 405 home (which was traffic free!) and I felt the huge burden of my looming D fall back on my shoulders.

I've been trying to hand it over to God. I know he wants to take care of my burden.. but I'm having a hard time..

.. but that's another post.

Sooo awesome about your d! You must be super proud!

My mom never once tried to convince me of another path. It took me 3 yrs here in LA to finally start earning consistently. My mom never lost faith in me. She always said the struggle would be worth it.

From my perspective, struggling to "make it" is almost a guarantee for anyone.

But it's not "all for not" if you don't let it be.

Figuring out "how" is different for everyone. Some learn to play the politics really well. Others become chameleons. Some just work really hard and pay their dues until someone notices....

There are SOO many different ways to "make it".

I'm sure your D will meet quite a few me's... but the jury is out on if she will meet MORE of my last director. They probably will not be as crazy.. but in an industry where FEAR is the dominant emotion.. it's going to be hard to find people who are willing to look in the mirror.

As you know and she will learn, the film industry isn't very forgiving. It doesn't like to allow for flaws or mistakes.

There's a reason why my field has an extremely high level of divorce rates, messed up families, drug and alcohol issues.. etc.

People are soo fearful. And when fear is the main emotion.. WATCH OUT.

People don't want to seem flawed or admit mistakes so they blame others. They try to protect themselves at the expense of others because our industry believes that "you only get one chance". (horsesh!t btw).

When my director made small mistakes.. she could easily apologize... but IMO - the failure of the movie was based on her actions and her failure to admit them.. thus being able to correct the ones with negative consequences.

I'm not saying her actions were right or wrong - only saying that they had BIG consequences..

.. and she needed someone to blame. She chose me. It makes sense as I'm the gatekeeper of time on set. It's my job to make the days and it would be so easy for me to take the heat. The executive producers know nothing of filmmaking.. but they did know my position.

He!! maybe she even truly believed in her core that I ACTUALLY did screw her movie.

But I do know that it would be extremely hard for her to admit that SHE was to blame. In all honesty, her decisions cost thousands of dollars. It would be hard to get another Exec Prod to give money to a careless director like her should she have chosen to admit her mistakes.

So I was the scapegoat.

Stuff like this happens too often for me not to believe that fear drove her actions..

... and because I believe that in my heart to be true.. it has been alot easier to find grace and kindness for her.. or anyone else who is fearful on set.

Because fear is an emotion that I GREATLY relate to..

I'm scared sh!tless to see my wife. I have nightmares and feel such fear... it is paralyzing at times.

And I catch myself wanting to place blame on her at times. It's sooo easy to do because I am that scared...

.. and I struggle with that ALOT.

.. BUT the last thing I want is someone yelling at me. Saying "well man up and do it". I want understanding and encouragement, and the safety that if I fail it's okay. Whilst cheering on my 1% success.

Because when I have those things.. that's when I have the courage to try again. That's when I take the next step forward.

And the percentage of success grows too!

Sometimes tough love IS necessary.. but it hasn't been tough love that has moved me forward... it has been people showing God's unconditional gracious love to me in the past 2 yrs.

And in that time love has become such a HUGE part of my life that it now bleeds into my career.

I don't want to be an AD that bullies people to make the day. I want to inspire them to put their best foot forward the same way I like to...

.. and the only way I know how to do that successfully is to create a safe and loving environment so that people want to do that.

That means accepting their flaws. Accepting their fears..

.. and not take their negative actions personal BUT taking a personal interest in creating more positive ones.

People kinda think I'm crazy. But it works for me and brings joy in my life.

That was a huge tangent to say that I know your d will struggle but if she finds that piece about herself (and I'm not taking about talent, or work ethic) but that piece of her soul that defines who she is as a human being... as God's child... and brings that into this industry.

She will do just fine ... and she will love going to work.

I hope I get to run into her one day. If she's anything like her mom, I'm sure we will get alone just fine!