No Expectations No Plans Being Okay No Matter What

[Brit45]

Thanks guys!! Bug you know me so well! That strawberry story really resonated with me. I even told him how I was trying to solve it as if it were a puzzle.
Zig I don't know how I got to where I am but I think if I look back every month I could have said "I didn't think I would feel like way a few weeks ago" I think I am well and truly detached but then you don't ever know until something happens and you realise it's affecting you...so I think the big difference is I'm not scared of being attached or not. Yes I still sometimes find myself letting my thoughts drift to him but it's once every 3 days and it's not about missing him more about how much his life has changed his relationship etc. I think for me when he brought up that ex coworker I just thought even in a very happy moment you try to cloud it with being petty and that's not how I want to live.
I'm looking forward to next week when I can catch up on everyone's sitches and we all be detached and happy!

[labug]

I think I am well and truly detached but then you don't ever know until something happens and you realise it's affecting you...so I think the big difference is I'm not scared of being attached or not.

Yes, I think that's it, you lose the fear. We hold on because we are afraid of what's beyond the R or whatever it is we are clinging to.

I agree that detachment cycles, just like all our emotions or states of being, but every day it gets better.

I'm having a not as detached as I thought day but I know I will get through it and life will go on. I won't feel this way forever.

[Brit45]

Bug you are right! So happy to hear you had a great trip with some realisations I can't believe how much DB can positively affect your entire life!

So updates!
After 4 days I got a text from H. I'd put a picture on my FB of me and an athlete I adore. H texted me and said just saw your status and picture. Last night I watched the news and thought Brit is going to be all over that like a dirty shirt. So happy you're seeing it from the inside. It made me laugh so much I showed S who was with me and he laughed too! So I replied and told him a little bit. The funny thing is in between his last text and today I had wanted to text him about moments but thought what's my real motivation? Approval? I don't know...but I didn't put myself in that sitch. I replied and told him what I was doing and he said "it's a hard thing you do this thing you call work" which made me laugh again! So I sent a funny text about how amazing my life is but sarcastically about how difficult it is. We texted on and off all afternoon including at one point him asking me for a picture of where I was because he wanted to see it.

Is this pursuit? Who knows. I'd rather it be us being friends. I'm not an idiot. He texted me rather than comment on my FB because he's probably worried about what his GF would be able to see. There was a moment in our texts where he said yeah but...and came up with some complications and I just said it'll be fine. I mean this is him negative, fearful, worried before you even find out. More likely to say no than look for a way to make something work.

In other news, date number 2 has got a date number 3 this week! No plans no expectations

Also I had a random conversation with a man this weekend an old man and yes everyone in the UK was on a huge high celebrating wins but he says to me "is your ex an idiot?" me "what?" him "can not understand how he'd allow a woman such as yourself to get away!" now he could have been being charming old English gent but if that isn't the universe saying you did it girl you are the woman only a fool would leave then I don't know what is! I feel confident, happy, secure, loved (by friends and family), beautiful, fearless and fun.

I can't believe how fearful I was before from trying new things to emotionally fearful and it's all gone. I think every DBer should have to jump out of a plane or learn a new language it does something to you to push yourself into some new situation head first and come out okay then somehow who you choose to be your partner in life means less than what the road you're on will look like.

Love you guys!

[unbidden]

Brit, you go girl. You really are an inspiration to us all.

[needgrace]

LOVE your post Brit!! you sound great and that makes me so so happy. hope you continue to have a great time at the Games and with date #3. You deserve the best!! I am thinking of something new to learn..thought i would try stand up paddle boarding in a few weeks.

[Brit45]

Thank you unbidden and thank you Grace! Stand up paddle boarding great for abs I hear.

Had a mini interaction with H regarding S and then he liked something on my FB page. It was funny when I first joined this board, someone pointed me in to a thread about a WAW who had a change of heart. She patiently was his friend for a year after the divorce was finalised while he had a girlfriend and was living in the house they'd plan to buy together. Then she said enough. She stopped being patient and he started chasing. She stopped posting about that time but I filled in that they reconcilled and now have a 3 year old daughter.

So is that where I am? I had this dream last night where he changed his mind and wanted to get back together with me. I went to his house and she was there. The place was squalid and she was dirty and they had a kid that had a strange name and I said why'd you name your baby that and he shrugged goes you know me I don't care she wanted it. So I said nevermind lets just get all your stuff out of here. and he said I can move back in with you and I said we just need to get you out of here.

I woke up really angry and unsettled. He probably is in a mess emotionally and not really invested in their plans together...much like he wasn't invested in our plans together. But I don't want him to move in with me. Yes he would need to sort himself out but not in my house. My emotional house is now quite happy and I think that's what happened when we met. I was for the first time really balanced and grounded and that attracted him. I remember thinking he's needy and we're going fast but if I stay grounded it'll be okay. But that's not true. It doesn't work that way. I don't want anyone else's dirt in my house! LOL

Last night New Guy (what do I call him on here) sent me a picture of the little cartoon he has of Pema's story. It was so cute and because it was a cartoon sort of put the whole "scary world" in perspective. I like!

[vera be fierce]

Last night New Guy (what do I call him on here) sent me a picture of the little cartoon he has of Pema's story. It was so cute and because it was a cartoon sort of put the whole "scary world" in perspective. I like!

Mr. Strawberry? Strawberry Shortcake?

[zig]

that's a crazy dream -brit

remember those are possibly just your deepest fears - the fear that he'll change his mind and he will bring his dirt back into the wonderful space you have created for yourself.

i don't dream that - i think it consciously all the time.

it was freaking me out how scared i am if he changes his mind and i've sat with that a lot in the past few days and told myself that it is not an irrational fear, it is what we come to facing the reality of what is there right now.

i think it goes under the category of what MWD says about questioning our sanity in wanting our spouses back a year or 2 after BD.


here's my interpretation of the dream - i could be way off:

look at the emotion you had during the dream - from your description, it was indifference, while the dream was going on. and from what i understand, it is the emotion you feel during the dream that carries the message of where you are at. i think, that your dream was just confirming for you that you are really detached , and the details of the dream were your fears coming up. your reaction of anger when you woke was just your conscious reaction

but on to - MR. Strawberry Shortcakes?

a rather elegant name!! don't you think.

i think we'll have to bring strawberry shortcakes to the picnic today in his honor. i'll volunteer - can someone bring espresso?

(((( )))))
zig

[needgrace]

hey brit,

i will bring the espresso, love that he has a cartoon of that story.. incredible! wish we could see it. i would love to have a cartoon of that up in my home too...

i thought it was cool too in the dream that you still felt a sense of responsibility or caring for H but still were protective of your own needs and wants.. you did not let your feelings for him negate your need to care for yourself. awesome.

i need to be more like that and it serves as a good image for me. thanks. i felt that way the other day when W got emotional about where she is going to live/work/etc. and i did not swoop in to rescue, i just reassured her that she had the abilities to handle it all and be okay.

love you, brit.