I know I am afraid of detaching, not that I know what it really means today, but I am afraid of it. I think it will bring me some relief, but then I am afraid that I might not feel so connected to my H.
Sometimes I feel like I have the same fear. I know in my mind that I can detach, but I am afraid to do it. And I don't know that I know all of what it takes to detach. I can't turn my back on 17 years overnight, no matter how bad some of those times were, including the present.
Time is on our side and we will get more comfortable with our changes and move forward.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Detachment is seen as being less emotionally attached to someone, their words, their actions... yet it seems people often miss what could be the bigger picture of detachment...
It is about understanding that our own personal contentment and happiness is about us and comes from within us...
IOW, when we are emotionally attached to someone (or something) we begin to believe that they are the reason for our happiness.
This relates not just to our spouse, but also to a family member or even a friend. Just because you are not with your kids, your parents, your friends... does not mean that you cannot be happy...
As it is... with our spouses...
With or without them...
And yet, we are still connected to... have a connection with... our kids, our parents, our friends...
When you know this, you can truly detach... when you truly detach, you will know this...
KD-I need to read and re-read this...Okay, first of all yes, my understanding of detachment is to "FEEL" less attached, which also meant to me, to care less, love less and I was struggling with that thinking. How you explain it makes it more clear for me, and to see it as an attainable goal. I am struggling to articulate this so try to follow with patience, I think that I have a "you owe me" attitude towards my marriage with all that is going on, almost as though my H "SHOULD", do things just because I have. Those would be those expectations, I need to drop those little buggers out of my thinking. As I read your explanation on detachment, it is almost as if I should think about my H as I would my grandfather, I adore him, love him completely...but what he does or doesn't do has no bearing on if I enjoy my days or not. Is this what you mean? Or am I still missing something?
M 43 H 43 M 21 T 24 Bomb 9/2011 EA 9/2011 H moved out 10/2011 I filed for D out of anger 2/2012 H moved in with OW 3/2012 focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012 found DB 7/2012
labug-I hope so, I look forward to understanding the tool of "detach", so I can use my energies more productively. Thanks for your words of encouragement and the post link.
M 43 H 43 M 21 T 24 Bomb 9/2011 EA 9/2011 H moved out 10/2011 I filed for D out of anger 2/2012 H moved in with OW 3/2012 focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012 found DB 7/2012
Challenged myself yesterday. It is funny how doing something different is so very uncomfortable, almost as though I am being fake, but the outcome is positive. Hhhmm. I spent the day with my D18 and S14, just the three of us. It is very difficult to be with my D18, because of her sudden friendship with the OW. My D18 struggled so much with our family situation, she is very close with her dad and finally was able to verbalize her sadness with her dads choices a few months ago. She told her dad that she was very uncomfortable visiting him with the OW present and her dads reply was "deal with it". So, she did. She moved in with her dad and OW, after being in trouble at home and instantly became buddies with the OW. I can't even begin to express my feelings on that situation. So, being around my D18, is difficult. Yesterday, I was determined to completely enjoy being with my D18. We entered an obstacle course race as a team, something I would never have done prior to this situation. Heights, water, large groups of people, driving in city traffic for 2 hours are things I have always avoided out of fear. I know GAL...so heres the thing, it was fine. It was more than fine, my kids were constantly saying how surprised they were that I was doing those things. My D18 said to me at one point, "what has happened to you?", my S14 said to me "I can't believe your doing this"...We had the best time. My day started off with me feeling extremely uncomfortable, but I acted as if I was confident. Most of the day, honestly was uncomfortable, because I was doing things and acting in a way that was opposite of my norm. I kept pushing through the discomfort and found I like the outcome of my actions much better. Did I spend some moments thinking about my H, yes I did. I thought about how nice it would be to participate in the event together, as a family next year.
M 43 H 43 M 21 T 24 Bomb 9/2011 EA 9/2011 H moved out 10/2011 I filed for D out of anger 2/2012 H moved in with OW 3/2012 focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012 found DB 7/2012
Yes dj, as bug said, you are definitely getting it about detachment. At least, how we talk about it here.
There is no real "more" with detachment. The only thing that might come to mind for an LBS is, "what next?"
There's no "what next" until we're detached. Don't worry about that, for now. Just know that you have already been through "what next" moments... when you met your H the first time and the romance began...
For now... just detach... and it will take time for it to sink in... for you to really be... detached... and you may go through moments of knowing you're detached and then you'll hit another moment and go, "oh... THIS is detached..."
It's a process. You can't force it. Just work on it and let it happen.
Great job on working through things with your kids and especially with your D18.
Please understand that your D18 might "deal with" the OW and become friendly with her. And further understand that's all it's ever going to be. You have been and always will be, her mom.
Being friends with our kids is a great thing, but we are still their parents. They are still our children, until we are gone.
If it works for you, just consider that OW is one of D18's "friends". And really, depending on how old OW is, consider how... odd... it might be for OW to be "partying" and being friends with an 18yr old... it might help you put it into a perspective...
In the end, as I said, great for you to go out and have a fun day with the kids. You certainly showed them you aren't some bump on a log they might have thought you were...
Just to put the OW age / relationship thing into perspective a bit...
First, understand that APs (affair partners; the spouse who has an affair) often "affair down". ie. the OP is somewhat below the maturity, looks, age, perhaps even financial status or potential of the LBS.
Also, if your H is MLC, he may be acting younger than his age. Trying to be a party animal again, or something. Which might mean he has an OW who is of similar "age mentality".
My W is 47. She's been surrounding herself with people who really, really, really like to "party". ie. drink hard, stay up all night, and do that as often as possible. This includes OMs who might otherwise appear mature and normal, but "let loose" every chance they get (ie. all weekend, every weekend)
OK, I'm exaggerating a bit perhaps, here... I'm saying it this way to make a point, of course.
Also, her female friends are significantly younger, like 20 years younger, so about the same maturity age. And also includes her early 20s niece.
So my W is trying to fit in with that group, including spending many weekends at the local hotel / pub with these people.
I do like doing that from time to time, sure. I just know that's not "my place" any more. I'm 45... I just can't do that any more and really have no desire to... not as a regular...
Anyhow, my W's niece and one of my W's young friends went out one night clubbing, without W...
And W was apparently quite offended about that. I don't know why it would be offensive for a couple of 20 year olds to go clubbing without the 47 year old mother of two.
So again, to put it into perspective... my W might be fun to party with, but the reality is... even her support group isn't seeing my W the way my W probably thinks of herself... as some 20 year old chick, living the dream...
So during my W's reliving of her past, D14 appears to be having fun with her "young behaviour" mom... all this late teens, early adults, parties, etc... pretty attractive to a 14 almost 15 year old...
And I go and "act young" with D14 while her friends are... and D14 says to me... "you're embarrassing me, dad"...
So I'm thinking, does D14 really think her mom is all that...? Or is it all about everyone else and the fun... and her mom is just embarrassing, much of the time...
~~~~~~~~~
The adults in our kids lives should be adults. And parents should be parents. And our kids... are smart enough to know how it is all meant to work...
