I'm trying to explore the feelings and it's not going according to plan. I have lots of time between semesters here and I just can't seem to get done what I want with these feelings. I'm not really sold on the depressions stuff. Looking into it further, I jsut don't see my fit.
I do feel as though I need to cry it out, but the only times I'm on the verge of crying I'm in a place I can't afford to lose it. It's never when I'm home alone in the quiet. My praying has become more like pleading as of late.
I couldn't take what happened the other day with S12 and my angry W's text. I realized the next day I was played by S12. I don't think he wanted me to see his mom at EA/OM's house and he faked being able to get into the house and hid in the doorway as I pulled away. When the W and I met to exchange the kids I felt it necessary to pull S12 off to the side with his mom. I told him some things didn't add up and even though he's not in trouble and we're not angry with him, he needs to understand why we were both upset. I'm thinking my W was feeling a little egg on her face after that exchange. She was white hot mad at me the night before and to find out she was wrong about me probably didn't sit well after she told everyone what a schmuck I am for having left S12 on the front porch of a locked house.
I definitly got that vibe when I saw that my W's friend form HS was in town for the weekend. She's bitter about her "life" too and it's even more pronounced on her face than it was when she came into town a few months back. I found myself thinking about her H and how he's holding up. I wonder where he's at in all this. I thought of how my W and her friend were during HS and how they're acting now and lack of moral integrity is one of them. They seemed to lose touch with each other until the run up to MLC so it seems only natural that they would be goofing off together as each other support base. I looked at her the other day I realized I never really liked her. She always thought she was better than my W and now it seems rather empowering for my W to be living the dream that her friend wants to live. The look on her face as she avoided me was the same level of contempt I've been getting from my W for the past 2 years.
Aside from that I noticed that again, my hand were shaking uncontrollably. This is a phenomena to me in that I've never had this happen to me before, but it seems par for the course when talking to my W in person. I don't like having to meet with her face to face, but when I have to talk to her, my hands shake. I'm not really sure why. I'm not used to this at all. My hands don't even shake when I have to speak to a large group of people, even when I know I have no idea what I'm talking about.
My hands shake uncontrollably when I have to talk to my W in person and I often feel like crying, but only when it's inconvenient to do so. I think that I may be trying too hard to figure this out vs. just letting it happen. I just want it to go away. I still don't feel human.
I don't know about depression. I haven't lost my appetite, but I struggle to keep the weight on. I don't feel like doing social things, but then again I do. I don't care what my W does or with who, but I hate hearing that she's going to do something that someone who claims to be hurting financially shouldn't be doing. I hate it when S12 gives me flack about caring when all his mom does is bad mouth me to others and I can't tell him how much that hurts me or that I don't care about his mom the way he thinks I do.
Thinking about it, it does hurt that she talks/thinks about me the way she does. I don't deserve it at all. I've read enough about MLC to know why she does/says what she does, but it's so damn hurtful. I want so bad to let go. There's so many people in this forum and other forums online, why is it so hard to meet people like the ones here? Granted, I don't think that's the best thing for me, but a sense of commrodery would be nice.
It also hurts that I can't trust my W at all. I gave her more of me than I ever had anyone else. I have no regrets because I'm glad to know that i at least tried. I guess I'm hurting over what comes next. She can't live like this forever. I never knew this woman, so thinking about the possibility of her coming down the mountain someday is painful. I have so much guilt over how I feel and not being able to share it with her, so I fear I will hate her for it. I want to stop hurting. My smile isn't fake at work or in public and I want to feel like that more often.
