If She Won't Stop the Affair?

[25yearsmlc]

She was gone the whole week except for Tuesday night. I was alone most of the week. It is Saturday morning, and she is here. We are supposed to go meet her mother and the kids at her timeshare. She came home at around 2 a.m. I am trying NC, deflecting her attempts at small talk and only saying short answers while trying not to sound angry. I want to tell her how I feel about what she did this week, but that's probably the wrong decision. How do I handle the 3 hour car ride? Thank goodness I decided to come home early on Sunday and work the week.

Okay WS, not sure if you really processed what I said but here's ONE option for you to consider.


When my h was planning to leave us to live up NORTH (as in near the Arctic circle) he had a conference about 7 weeks before leaving, in Palm Springs and wanted me and our 2 d's to attend with him...

I balked, I thought, "no way am I going to fake like we're all fine when he's about to leave us/our marriage," etc.

But my DB coach had a totally different take on it. First she said,

"Why can't you give your kids some good memories of time together, esp if it's the last time together you'll have?"

"Why can't you give your h something to miss?"

SO for four days, just FOUR DAYS I felt I could act as if. I prayed about it and prayed about it b/c I knew I'd need strength. It was a 4 hour car ride and hotel rooms, etc for 4 days.

I believed I could be positive and maybe neutral at times (but NOT negative) maybe, for FOUR DAYS.

The fact that I knew I "could always be angry again later" actually helped me which is a tad embarrassing.

But I was angry and hurt and fearful.
But I chose to make those 4 days GOOD ONES for my kids and b/c I did not want to fuel any negative images or justifications in my h's mind for leaving.

I knew if I sulked or criticized, he'd want to flee faster. Esp if he had OW to jump into the arms of. (I had to ask myself "Why would he choose ME if I was closed off to him and angry all the time?")

So I put on my Mother Teresa mask at first but then I also decided to THINK differently...not to just act that way but to try and BE that way.

For instance, when my h would discuss the birds of prey we saw flying in the desert (h used to be a veterinarian and knows a lot about wildlife) or some biological event,

I sometimes thought "geez he's being nerdy OR he's monopolizing the conversation". Instead I CHOSE to see the value there is in having a smart educated partner and father of my kids.

I really stopped the negatives when they entered my mind. Like the STOP SIGN image popped in and I"d replace it with a positive spin IF I COULD

or at least change topics or go neutral.

I vowed that nothing negative or critical would come out of MY mouth for those 4 days. One significant part of this was about being in the present.

NOT letting myself freak out about the future around the corner

OR bemoaning how we got there and re-hashing the past..

"Just be here now" was my mantra for those 4 days.

It's made a huge difference in how I handle things even now. So much of my life before, was about fretting over things I could do nothing about...I wasted a lot of energy on negative feelings that did NOT help me live a good life.

ANYHOW---After about a day or so, I actually saw that H relaxed around us more. HE was funny and I was able to laugh.

I started to see his worth and good traits again for real-and appreciated them,

and he became warmer too. He became kinder in a short time when he saw that I was not seething. If he was curt, which he was on the drive up, I ignored it or changed the topic with the girls.

We had a great wonderful trip and I know my atittude helped shape it so much.

I think what all that was, was a glimpse of what forgiveness would look like.

if your wife feels that there's no way you won't hold this over her head forever

or throw it in her face every time you fight, she'll understandably not want to try and restore the m.

She'll flee that much faster.

The more negative you are, the more she'll feel "right to leave" and you have to counter those negatives that she uses to rationalize leaving. The negatives can only be countered by positives

not arguments. Not questions like "How can you do this?" That only generates her defensiveness AND her justifications.

The more you challenge her choices, the more she defends them instead of looking hard at them, reflectively and pondering the effects. When the effects are pointed out by YOU, they will be countered and argued. You dont' want that.

You want her to 2nd guess her choices...don't forget that.

Being a doormat is NOT what I'm suggesting.

I am saying "give her something to miss. Be in the moment. And give your kids a good memory".

Make sense?