Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

Well, I guess I’m headed for another sleepless night for tonight. The incredible saga continues by the looks of it. Just once I’d like to hold on to something stable for more than a day.

To be honest, I think I f@#%&d up majorly today, not once but twice, and I feel terrible now. I really must get that DR book fast. I feel like I’m right in the middle of a mine field and I don’t know how to get out of it.

This is what happened today. W picked up D8 from school and got here around noon. After yesterday’s high, I was looking forward to it but promised myself to give her space and not crowd her. I knew that her and D8 were going to go with some of W’s friends for the afternoon and that in the evening, they’d planned to be back here for the night and spend the night together to help alleviate the separation anxiety that D8 seems to be going through.

First of all, on arrival, the mood was strange and W stayed in the common room and barely spoke a word. She seemed very distant and I matched that by keeping away. I was practicing my guitar so I just kept doing that but felt uncomfortable. I decided to text a friend to ask if something was up this evening so I wouldn’t have to be here and I could then give W and D8 some space. That’s when I did a stupid mistake. The kind of mistake I hear about all the time but think it’s so stupid that I don’t know how one can do this. I mistakenly sent the text to W. The text said.

Hi (friend), what’s up this evening? W is here with the kid and the mood is heavy. I need to get out.

W then called me in the common room and told me of my mistake. I felt like such an idiot. I apologized to her and didn’t quite know what else to do. To this, she asked me if I was ok. I said yes and went back to the room. She followed me in, closed the door and sat on the bed, near me and asked again if I was ok. To this, I said I was and she told me that I always say that I’m ok. I told her she says the same and we laughed a bit. Then she asked me if I wanted to talk and I told her that the same way I can’t be there for her when she might need to talk because I’m too involved in the situation, she can’t be there for me either because she is also too involved in the situation.

Then she said that maybe we should get a divorce. That it might make things better for me, for us. I asked her if she needed a divorce and she said that she didn’t. That it just would make things easier with others and that this shouldn’t matter anyway. I then gave her what I remembered of the “Denver” response.

I said that I didn’t want a divorce. I told her that if she wanted one, I would give it to her but that I was not going to help her get it. I said that I was still in love with her and that I still hoped we could reconcile in the future and work together on building a new relationship. I said that for now, I needed time to work on myself and that I understood she also needed time. I said that I would give her all the time and space she needs and that if one day she decided that she wanted to come back home, that she knew where she could find me.

To this she of course said that I didn’t have to do this. I said that I understood and that there was no pressure on her. That I had no expectations and that the reason I was doing this was to be the person I wanted to be. She knows about the parable of the candle in the sun and I told her that this “darkness” that entered my life was an opportunity for me to be, and show myself, who I wanted to be. I told her that I actually thanked her for making the choices that she made. That I understood it must have been difficult, still was difficult but that by doing this she gave me the opportunity to change who I was and to become a better man.

A lot of what was said next is still a bit blurry in my mind but I know she said I shouldn’t wait for her and that if I met someone else I should just move on. To this I replied that I wasn’t “waiting” for her. That I was moving forward with my life to become the best person I could be for me and for D8. I also told her that for the time being, I needed to be alone to figure myself out and do what I needed to do. That is what I need now.

At some point she also said that she felt stronger now and that she didn’t want to go back to the person she was. She said that she was through with trying to figure out what people mean when the say something and that she would stop second guessing herself. If people have secret agenda and try to push it on her by saying other things, she would simply accept what has been said at face value and not try to get to the underlying message. After that she made allusion to our discussion on finance and how it had made her feel. I told her I understood and I again apologized for it. I also thanked her for helping me to see this behavior of mine and that I needed to improve this.

She then talked about some of the changes she noticed in me and how she thought I was doing well. She said she thought I was on the right track.

At one point, there was talk about changing behavior and I used the example of the ready response we have for someone apologizing (Don’t worry about it) and I told her that when I had told her that after she had apologized on Wednesday I had felt it took away from the courage it had taken for her to approach me and say she was sorry. I told her that the way I really felt about it was appreciative and thankful.

To this she said: “What apology?’ and I had to gently remind her about the scene when she asked for a divorce and what she had said and how the following day she had come back all nice and said she was sorry for what she had said the previous day. For some reason, she seemed to have forgotten about it.

I then ended the discussion asking her if she had to go meet her friends with D8 and I left the house to get some parts to fix the washing machine.

All afternoon I felt horrible. I eventually met up with my friend and played some pool and had a few beers to try to get my mind off things but I just couldn’t shake myself. What it was, was not so much the R talk and how it came about but the coldness of W as she talked to me. I can see compassion in her eyes and I can hear concern in her voice but there is a certain determination in her manner that tells me that no matter what, she isn’t coming back. This ate at me all evening.

During the evening, I got a text from W saying that D8 decided to stay the night with her friend’s daughter so there would be no sleep-over tonight. I was a bit upset by that because I thought the idea was for them to spend as much time together as they could and even to spend the night together but now, D8 was on her own at W’s friend’s house. Nonetheless, I didn’t voice my disagreement and told her to do what she thought was best.

I left my friend’s house early and came back home and an hour later, W showed up unannounced to pick up the stuff she had brought over in prevision of spending the night. We had a nice chat and then? My second mistake. I just couldn’t help it and I flirted with her. I said well? You’re kidless and I’m kidless, how about we go for a cup of coffee? She hesitated but then said sure, why not?

We went to a nearby coffee stall where people sit on the ground (I always used to hate these) and W asked me if it was ok and I said it was. She said she looked forward to seeing me sit on the ground with my legs crossed to which I answered that I had gotten much more flexible since I started doing meditation. She watched me and was impressed. We had tea and invariably the conversation was brought on to my changes by W. Again, the whole thing is a bit blurry but some of the things which were talked about were about the fact that W thinks I’m being too hard on myself. She says I should try to relax a bit and enjoy life. I told her I was enjoying it as much as one could in my present situation and that perhaps I was being a bit hard on myself but I thought it was important because I didn’t want D8 to learn negative behaviours from my example. To this W agreed and said that this was 50% of the reason she did what she did a few months ago. To make sure D8 wouldn’t become the way she was. To this I wanted to tell her about D8’s advice to me a few days ago (if it’s too hard daddy, maybe you should give up. That’s what I do) but I didn’t, I simply said that kids often learn unexpected lessons from our behaviour . Later I realize I could have asked her what the other 50% was but again, I didn’t. Over all, I guess the conversation went well. She has noticed many changes in me and she told me that when D8 talks to others about me she has mentioned that I don’t get angry anymore. W said that she was impressed and that it was good. She said that she thought we were all doing great so that she thought this was the right choice. Again, that coldness and detachment as if we were lab rats being tested. I ended that meeting, said goodbye and left without looking back.

It’s hard for me to understand that she is so far removed from the situation and although I understand that she’s had much more time than me to get used to it, the fact that she kept saying how D8 was doing fine and that she would be just fine with all of this, and that we were both growing and becoming better individuals and that this was all good and justified her decision, makes me wonder if there is any hope left for us.

I also realize that this is not the main purpose of DBing but let’s face it, all of us would like a shot at a second chance with our S. In fact in the end, without the hope factor, how many of us would go through what we are going through to make ourselves better individuals?

I need to get that DR book soon. I feel so lost and I know that there is a different way to look at this but I can’t see it now. All I see is someone who looks at me like I could be her brother. There is some love, some caring but somehow, I fear I have lost her. What can I do?

Re-reading all of this (and rethinking about it) I also see that I lost my focus. I talked way too much and didn't keep the talk on her but actually used the opportunity to "show off" my "changes". I also started expecting stuff (what? that she would fall at my feet and say please take me back!!). I'm still to emotionally attached. I want her too much. I have to let her go. I just don't know how, and I'm afraid. Afraid to lose her, to lose my family, myself. Please, someone, I need some 2X4s here!!

Plans are made with friend with credit card. I'm ordering DR on Monday evening when she gets back in town.