TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
he said yes definitely - you and i can't live together. i validated that really well. then he said I think i'm supposed to learn some life lessons here but i'm not getting it. i'm so boneheaded that i'm just going to continue with this.
One day, he may learn what ever life lesson he was supposed to learn from this.
i'm not really going up and down today - but feeling it a tad bit now after spending the evening at the restaurant with h family and our friends to celebrate sons' first movie debut. during the PA the teacher announced him as a child prodigy with 4D editing and we were so proud.
h acted like a bit of an ass to me during dinner - too much pressure for him i guess after this morning. so i flung my gorgeous hair over my shoulder and turned to the others and had a wonderful time.
i think what you say is exactly what's happening for me - i do feel a lot calmer - it's done and i suddenly feel that i don't have to work at this any longer.
whew...
thanks for the hug:) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
yes KD, it's his thing now - not much of mine any longer.
it's part of his pattern - always was - to be boneheaded int he face of whatever we were dealing with. i used to get o caught up in it - now, no need to any more
thanks for checking in - hope you are well?
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
mil called this morning a bit later - she was practically hysterical!! took a while to get the whole story out, but turned out that late last night she and h talked.
i guess he wasn't all that honest with me today - oh well....
he told her he and ow have bought this package of airline tickets so they can fly back and forth for $100 a pop and that ow is due back next saturday and he's sort of f'ed up agreeing to that.
his relatives are still all in town, and i guess she pressured him big time that she should also be able to come and meet s and his family.
mil freaked on him and i guess told him that he was rushing into things way too fast and that she didn't really care about what was going on with him but he couldn't mess s's life like this with no warning. i guess he got pretty defensive.
but somewhere in there - he told her that he didn't think it was going to work out with ow, and that she was pressuring him a lot . trying not to mind read here....
so, interesting to me because that is the same day that sil's gf and daughter arrive also.
i had already decided before i heard this, that i was going to periodically "remind" h of our promise to each other about when ow is introduced into s's life and his agreement for us to discuss it.
i'm not really freaked by this info - it was a matter of time before the pressure started, i suppose, and it's h's own walls that are cracking under it. mil said she had never seen him so freaked out and upset.
she's praying he'll have the guts to tell her she can't come (he said that's what he wants to do, but doesn't know how to do it)
i'm at the picnic - this is between all of them. i get s back the day before she arrives and will just get in the car and drive the f^ck out of town before i let it happen this way
i can be all sweet and nice and compassionate and understanding until the cows come home, but when it comes to s's emotional well-being - well the badger arises and combines with the big black mama bear and the combination is bl**dy formidable!!!
will just let this play out - i'm just not going to worry about it.
if this had happened even a few weeks ago, i would have really fallen apart - everything happens when i 'm ready to deal with it
off to watch some of those hot sex
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
isn't it strange how things wait until we are ready? and the things is that we don;t even know how ready we are till it happens and we surprise ourselves..
You are AMAZING, dear zig. i am so so inspired by how you handled today.. that was EPIC... that was LOVE in action, i am so overwhelmed by the beauty and love you displayed today.. wow, i aspire to that, thank you for sharing with us what we are capable of.. it shows us what true love in action can do.
love you, sweet lady.. he is a lucky man, wish he realized just how much. ((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
The big D bomb, as scary as it seems, has lost its scare factor on me. I think you are starting to see that?
It's not some crazy fast thing that is horrible-its actualy a long drawn out pain in the butt process. And IMHO I don't even think your H has completly aligned with the entire concept. Seems as if he has a lot of confusion still.
What's his rush to come to a decision right now anyway? Does he think D will solve his problems? Bc honestly it will add to his financial stress, guilt and heartache.
Seems like he is just spinning round and round. You stand back, don't let him pull you in. And I am so proud of your ability to be at peace. With all of the variables he has in his own mind, the last thing you need to do is get loud, in his face, and add to it. Keep your butt on the blanket! <3
I agree to seek legal council, but I wouldn't initiate D talk or push for the next step in the process. Let's have another slice of pie and we will politly respond to him if and when it is appropiate.
Got your back Zig
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
thanks ng - yes it is strange how things happen when we are ready for it.
i don't know if what i did was amazing - all i know is that i fought everything my whole life, on every level, and never realized that doing things from a place of love could make all the difference to ME, and how i felt about myself.
i just read through that last post i wrote and was a bit shocked to find that that the last sentence was incomplete and very very strange. Yikes!! i meant to say off to watch some of those hot sexy athletes strut their stuff. haha freudian slip???
i like the phrase you used - LOVE IN ACTION
it's actually a wonderful concept - i am going to use it daily - ask myself: is this love in action?
not just to do with h, but with everyone and everything, especially myself
he may be a lucky man, but it's almost beside the point. what's more important for me right now, is that I am a lucky woman to have found out that I am capable of SO much more than I ever thought I was
and that is EPIC for me!!
(((((( ))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
What's his rush to come to a decision right now anyway? Does he think D will solve his problems? Bc honestly it will add to his financial stress, guilt and heartache.
i wondered about that myself too.
he had tentatively thrown it out there about a month ago (the night we slept together) and then nothing after that.
trying not to mind read here, but after the info i received from mil yesterday - it seems sort of obvious that he's feeling pressured into it by ow.
can't help thinking she's given him some sort of ultimatum - it's been almost a year and it's possible she's said either i see some progress here or we are done.
he's definitely panicking right now, and it's his panic and frenzy not mine.
all i know is that in the last day, the only person he DIDN"T feel pressure from is me. and i intend to keep it that way. all he got from me was love and acceptance.
in some part of his mind, conscious or sub-conscious there may be a budding awareness that ow's pressure is also her not taking his feelings into consideration, only her own that she wants some confirmation of commitment - either in the form of a D or her meeting his family and s.
don't forget that i know her family. i know her mom and she is the sweetest thing on earth - really soft gentle and kind but underneath, one tough independent cookie who don't take no [censored] from men!! while we were there on one trip she had just met this guy who was all over her, and i remember us all laughing and talking about him but also noticing that she was really firm in what she wanted or not. that r was done, in a few months because he was not up to par. i can't imagine her standing by while her daughter is in this r without saying something, even though it is with h who she has always adored.
i'm not really mind reading here - just watching the developments and seeing where they are going. it's almost fascinating!
otoh - what i also remembered was the first mc i went to see - saw him for about 2 months after BD - he said to me, zig, until h realizes that he could lose both of you, nothing is going to change.
i didn't really understand what he meant. i was such a mess at the time, all i could think was, h is never going to lose me. well, i think that time is here - i couldn't even imagine what it would look or feel like, couldn't predict what h would act or sound like - but i think it's here -
he's spinning hard right now
about the D - he's made an appointment for the 21st with the mediator. so first thing monday i need to find an atty and get moving on finding out what my rights are etc etc.
i thought it would be enough to just use the mediator (h said she could do what the L would do, since she's a lawyer also) - but after starsky's post and what i heard from mil yesterday - i'm not going to entirely trust him here. i want to, but now i see how i have been too trusting always of h, even during this sitch and it's time to break that apron string!!
one question i do have, and would love other's view on this - we literally do not have any money, to pay for even one appointment here. the only money there is, is my inheritance that my parents gave me which is invested. i asked h yesterday how we/he were going to pay for this? he couldn't even been to answer!
i have agreed to take some of that money out for us to live on this coming month - after all i've lived off his paycheck all this time. but i do not feel comfortable about using it to pay these D bills! any ideas on how to handle this with him?
am i to expect to pay my share for my atty and half the mediator bill?
he kept saying when "WE" file. i did gently point out to him that it was when "HE" files. he sort of looked at me blankly for a few seconds before agreeing and i could see that it was extremely painful for him to say when "I" file, but he managed to squeeze it out!
sorry this got so long - a lot on my mind today - but for once, everything is being thought about calmly not in a frenzied way:)
stronger - i know you have my back - i can feel it girl - it feels good!
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
