Love my hair, thank you. Crazy how something so simple can make you feel like a new person.
(journaling)
I was thinking about the recent timeline of events in my stich, it's pretty confusing! I most certainly really have let go, it's just kinda crazy how things change so much...
June 1- H opens up, is unhapppy, doesnt want to "accept this" yet can't commit
June 1- goes out of town with OW after "opening up"
June 2- I call H on his crap and tell him I'm filing for D
June 3- H files for D (lol)
June 5- I get served
mid June- OW is gone for good
late June- H begins making contact with me about little things, just to talk
July 2- Initial status confrence at courthouse for D
July 5- H opens up about us again, says he wishes he tried harder
July 7- I ask H if he meant what he said about us, he replies "idk", can't commit (again)
July 8- H opens up again, recognising his pattern of feeling and retreating, I tell him no more, H is obsessed all night with us and is full of regret, yet unable to commit
July 9- H is at my house when I get off work, we make love, he leaves
mid July- I open up and send H "the email"
no contact since except for his random moments of dumping on me
Not coming to conclusions but the only thing I know is that me opening up to him, being loving, pushes him away. It's almost as if the ball is in his court and he doesn't know what to do with it, so he ignors it.
However, when he feels that I'm truly gone, he opens up just enough to see if I'm still here, waiting. He doesn't commit, just kind of feels out where I'm at and then retreats again.
My mind reading (I know, don't do it) could be way off, but the pattern still exists.
All I know is that I opened up, I was honest, I owned my crap. I'm not judgmental or pushy, and I've been a friend. I love this person so much. So much that I don't mind getting out of his way so that he can continue on his path of discovery. I actualy WANT him to go down that path. Not for us, but for him.
The inner peace and happiness that I feel is amazing, and is a result of my path. I want everyone to feel that way. I hold no grudges or anger agianst H.
I also know that we are completly diff playing fields right now. As much as I love him, RIGHT NOW he is not someone that I find myself attracted to. This whole D thing, which is about to be closed due to a lack of forward motion, does not scare me at all. I would gladly choose this route over being with a man that is unable to meet my R needs any day. And hunny, right now, he ain't cuttin' it.
My life is freakin' awesome! I was once running myself into the ground trying to please H without anything in return. I was emotionaly and mentaly starved. Now, I can do whatever the heck I want! I only do the things that bring me joy. If I want the laundry to sit in the basket overnight, or eat pancakes for dinner or be a bum and watch movies with my girls all night-so be it! If I need extra sleep, a long hot bath or ice cream for breakfast-I do it! I am stress free and so happy. The only interactions I have with people are loving ones bc I have learned it's ok to ask that from life.
My life is meant to be joyous dangit, and that's how it's gonna be. I am not a victim of anything. I am strong, compassionate, fun and adventerous. This situation does not define or alter me in any way. It is a blessing that life has given me: a lesson in unconditionial love, stregnth and forgivness. Oh, and just how strong I am
As much as this has hurt me, it is the best thing that could have ever happened to me, and I am grateful for it.
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
