he needs to feel like you have moved on and he has lost you. When that happens you will know, because he will do ANYTHING to keep you, including no contact with OW, full transparency, changing jobs, etc.
^^^^ this!!!! This is exactly how it works!!!
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Sounds like you are doing a good job of detaching and GALing Nblsost. My H and I lived in limbo land like that for a while too. Until I actually moved on in my heart and mind and starting planning my life without him, he finally woke up and realized he would lose me forever. Until then, he was playing me and the OW keeping his options open. In my opinion, he needs to feel like you have moved on and he has lost you. When that happens you will know, because he will do ANYTHING to keep you, including no contact with OW, full transparency, changing jobs, etc.
Man, if I have read this (or something very close to it) on here once, I've read it 500 times . . .
That's how it works, folks.
Starsky
Yep...that's how it worked in my situation, too!
Nb, you are doing a great job! Just keep taking things day by day and don't worry too much with what-ifs right now (I know...easier said than done). You have taken control of your personal life and are living it to the fullest. If he decides to recommit, the ball is in your court on if he fits into your new and improved life.
you folks keep this up and they will start the next culling.... which is so sad.
As this is truly what DB is about.
Employing tough love.
When I read her books this is what I get out of it.
Somehow it has been twisted on her forums. Which is unfortunate.
I don't think the views expressed here are inconsistent with DB. When you boil it all down and put the plethora of techniques MWD advocates into practice ... Tis is what u get.
Detachment is key to DBing. MWD advocates detaching as a strategy to allow us to focus on ourselves and what we need rather than obsessing about what the spouse is up to. Detaching helps us get to a place where we can see and control those things that are within our control (ourselves & our own behavior) and those which are outside our control (everything & everyone else!).
GAL - Getting a Life ... Another fundamental DB principle which is all about putting the focus back on yourself. Of course the consequence of GAL is often that you become more attractive to the WAS, The mystery may stir a little bit of jealosy and early on I think GAL can b confused with getting a reaction, but applied consistently GAL helps us remember or learn who we are and what drives us outside of the marriage relationship.
I could go on, but you guys know what I mean? Yes? Traveling through a marriage crisis and using the principles MWD espouses, changing our relationship by changing ourselves, often does mean we come to understand that we'll be ok married to our partner or not. We come to understand our own value and can hold out for it. When we learn that kind of respect for ourselves ... Well, the rest just kind of falls into place.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I really love reading all this advise it sounds so great. But I am scared to death, I don't make enough $ to support me and my two girls still home. I have to talk to him, I have get money from him. How I do I distance myself?
The last "culling" as you put it, concerned the issue of exposure. Sometimes exposure works, sometimes it doesn't. But what happened was that there were a few members who adamantly believed that exposure was the way to go and were sometimes rude to the posters who didn't want to go that route. Which was a shame because I learned alot of other things from those posters as well.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have seen the last 2 cullings here and they were more of an issue between 2 groups of posters on this site. Which has been an issue for many years....
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I think if the cheater doesn't end the affair once it's out in the open...it's very hard to predict how any strategy will work.
So, H had the kids from Friday evening to Saturday evening. I had a couple plans with friends, went to a farmers market, did a run, etc. While he had them, he texted to tell me that OW and her kids will be in town in a few weeks. Could he take our kids to meet her and her kids at an amusement park? I said we needed to talk about it...of course when he dropped off the kids, he ran out without a word. He also asked if "we" could buy a boat to keep at his new place (share it with a friend). I said, "are you saying I would buy it with you?" He said "No, I just wanted to run it by you".
I'm not in favor of him introducing the kids to OW, but I am also not sure how long I can stop it or that he won't do something else that's dumb around it. I may also use it as leverage to help us get things negotiated more quickly.
So, as much as he seems "mopey", he's moving on. Frankly, I'm okay with it. I'm tired of the weirdness and drama.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
