New to DB

[~ kd ~]

Just notice that it was a single seat...

Not to keep you off...

And also... no one ELSE can ride with him, either...

[hopefulinga]

I forgot to mention, that seat replaces his current seat but leaves the back seat on. But Karma's a b!tch. The seat didn't fit and he came home pissed and threw it in the box.

[hopefulinga]

I know what an EA is and I'm pretty sure he's had one before, which I've confronted him with. Since it wasn't a PA, he didn't see that it was an A, and I don't know that he knows whaat an EA is. My IC says he is a narcisist and I don't meet his needs because I don't kiss his butt like these women do. I should point out that all of these women are gnarly and totally opposite of me and all of what he tells me he hates.

That being said, I think I may have over reacted the other night on this one. I am quick to get mad, especially now.

[~ kd ~]

I am quick to get mad, especially now.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't notice a lot of anger in your posts.

How's that working for you?

I'm missing something about this whole bike seat thing. He bought a single seat. You wanted him to buy a double seat. The bike has a back seat. From what you said, the back seat would have stayed on if the single seat went on...

What's the issue here? That you wanted him to buy a double seat for HIS bike?

[hopefulinga]

So, here are some of my answers:

+ What is more of the same?
Accusing him of having any kind of affair, being critical, not showing him respect, being judgmental, being controlling, trying to change him, the list can probably go on.

+ What bothers you about less contact?
Probably lonliness and reliance, comfort zone, which means I still have work in GAL. I've seriously cut back the contact. I do not call him at all during the day unless there is a problem. That is huge for me. I try not to go by the airport to our hangar, which is his man cave. So I am making small steps.

+ What do you think you might try, different?
This is the hardest one for me right now. I feel like I am floundering. I haven't been making a whole lot of conversation with him. I'm trying to be happy, which I think pisses him off right now. hence the comment that I am acting like everything is ok.

Him being "taken" by this woman is enough to make me sick. She's nasty. After he told me she was pregnant, I can't remember what I said, but his response was something along the line of it's not her fault. I just looked at him and said, condom, pill, tubes tied? He said I guess you are right. I think this one is going to fade. My D asked him if he was going to ask her to dinner when I taught last night and he said no. That made me happy. However, I am not off my guard. But I also know that I can't control him. I've also seen people latch on because they get the wrong impression of him and he has no back bone to shake them lose. I will say that I am not dealing with a guy that is changing his hair, clothes, working out, etc.

I've been reading the MLC threads and identified with that chapter in DR. He's definitely transfered some of his emotional needs to one of his friends that does act like a whipped puppy. The guy is almost always around. He was originally going to buy this motorcycle when he turned 60 and caved in this year. He used to ride all of the time. I am suffering through hearing stories of rides when he was younger that included wife #1. And I definitely see the confusion. I want a D, but the next day, can you go get my medicine?

My overanalyzing mind is overanylzing and getting confused. This week end and next while i am away, I am going to try to work on what I can do differently. I'm also going to work with IC on why I do not trust so that I can try to trust again. I guess for the time being, I'm laying low, not saying a whole lot, texting or emailing if I need to tell him something.

GAL has to be at the top of my list. He does not like it if I go out after dark, so trying to do something after dinner will not sit well. I am doing things on the weekend, but many times he doesn't know about them. I've got to get myself around the situation with our D if I want to go out.

[hopefulinga]

It's our bike. My name is on the title. I found it. He sold our car and we used that money to buy the bike. He talked about buying the double seat until we had the fight. He bought a driver's seat to replace the one he has, but the passenger seat would still be attached.

Yes, I'm mad. No, it's not working. I'm not mad all the time. I think I am dong a lot of venting here b/c quite honestly, I really don't have many more people I can vent to right now. I've got to get beyond his behavior making me mad, which I know I will.

[~ kd ~]

Yes, do come here to vent.

I do get it about the bike, based on what you've posted. Here's the thing though... I don't think this is about the bike...

I think this is more of the same behaviour...

You know that list of more of the same...? How could you 180 those items as your something different list?

What would those 180s be?

[hopefulinga]

You're right, it is. I am utterly disappointed and upset about something that I was really excited about that I have been shut out of. Again. First it was the plane that we bought in February that I've yet to be in, then it was the bike. So, that's what the fight was about. I blew up. I get all excited and get behind the purchases of the toys and can't enjoy them. I used to not do that. I was more unsupportive and dream crushing. That didn't work either.

Sometimes I feel like no matter which direction I go, it's not right or not enough. I'm practical, he's a dreamer.

And I think last night was just another realization that my hopes and dreams of things we could do together as a couple, without any of his friends hanging on, are coming to a halt. And it hurts. And he knows it.

I will work on my 180 list. Some of the obvious things are easy to identify. 180ing this type of thing is a little harder to grasp. Right now, I am so overwhelmed with work, emotions, and everything else in my life.

I read some of your older posts about your sitch and can identify with them. Some of this private behavior, I think, is to drive me out the door so that he can run to everone and say, poor me, how could she leave me. I already know that he tells peole how evil I can be. And those that get to know him come back to me and tell me that and then tell me they know that he is more of the problem than me. He wants the D, but has told me to find the mediator, draw up a separation agreement, move out.

You've given me food for thought. I'm looking forward to my weekend away and will try to make good use of my time.

[dj21]

Good morning Hopeful- I get the over analyzing part, I do that to myself daily. Something I have done that helped me decrease my confusion was to document my actions so I could visualize my "DOING" something different. It seemed that I could so easily forget the positive steps I was taking, because I would get so caught up in analyzing. One of my goals is to "STOP" creating negative contact, so I got a little pocket calendar and circled all the dates over the last few months when I texted or emailed H out of my need and not necessity. Lots of circled dates=pushing away! Once I began DB'ing in July....sparce circles:) My calendar is part of my journaling so I see it daily, it helps me focus. I think we can get so caught up in the over analyzing of our situations that we just stay stuck and don't move forward...I haven't moved a whole lot forward, but I am standing upright and you will too. Do something for YOU today, and maybe find something that helps remind you of your daily accomplishments.

[hopefulinga]

Thanks db. I am thinking about starting a journal. When I think about texting or email, I conciously say to myself, "Is this necessary right now, or can it wait?" If I do it, I try to do it when I am pretty sure he is not working.

Today, the house cleaners will come. I started that 2 weeks ago and it has taken some pressure off of me. I am no domestic goddess. I am leaving on a trip with our D later this afternoon. H asked this am what time we were leaving, even though I told him in an email. I told him the time without reminding him that I had already told him. That is a small step for me.

I hope that you have a good day and do something for you today also.