Hi dj, just wanted to say I think you're doing great for where you are in your DB journey. The emotional rollercoaster eventually evens out a bit. Keep working on yourself. Don't focus on what he is or isn't doing, you couldn't change it even if you could understand it.

About the fear and other strong emotions you are having. They will not consume us, they will not kill us. It is the fear of facing them that often gives them so much power. My advice is not to fight them but to invite them in, sit with them, ride them out, see where they take you. Once you are over the uncertainty of what might happen, it becomes much easier to experience emotions without being controlled by them.

Meditation is great for this.

KD is also giving you some interesting thought exercises.

Keep posting.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss