Which means, at least from my perspective, that I should sign the waiver. If I am seen as fighting against her rather than working with her then that poisons the well and makes any possible later opportunities for reconciliation that much more difficult.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Yes it does matter because you have to look at the larger picture. The D is just a piece of paper. It's not an automatic switch that turns on or off people's emotions. Stay the course as if the threat of D wasn't there.
What I meant is that it doesn't matter whether I tell her that I love her and talk to her about what I have been talking to the therapist about because her ultimatum and the fact that, according to my kids, she has moved from just talking to people on dating sites to meeting them in person gives me a pretty good idea where she is emotionally. It tells me that she is still not open to any kind of reconciliation. As far as the waiver goes, A few weeks ago I would have told her that she would have to go to court and get the judgement, so agreeing to sign the waiver I have shown a 180 and reacted in a way which is the opposite of what she expects.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
So the past two days have been pretty hectic. Wednesday when I dropped W off at work, I did what my therapist suggested and asked if I could give her a hug when she got out of the car. She thought for a minute and told me no so I just said okay and drove off. I actually think that the important thing of that incident is that she had to think about it before she told me no.
Then yesterday I told her that I loved her when I dropped her off at work. Her answer was "okay, I'll see you later." Not exactly the most positive response, but still somewhat more positive than I had expected from her. After I picked her up from work I offered to take her to a movie on Saturday. She said that she couldn't because she had to work, but that maybe we could go on another day. Again, not entirely positive but since I had expected her to just flat out say no it is still better than I had expected.
However, today she texted me and asked me what my address is at my brother's house and when I asked her why she needed it she told me that it was "none of your business." I am still not sure why she needs it and it has caused me a certain degree of nervousness today. I am still not sure what she needed it for but I am sure that I will find out. The reason that I have been so nervous is that the last two days thing have seemed to be going better, so for her to suddenly be at least acting negative again seems like a big step backward.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
One thing that I had never considered before but that my therapist pointed out is that W anger at me may actually be guilt over the guy she was involved with during high school. She only told me about what happened with him a week before before things really started to go down hill for us.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Telling your W you love her and going for a hug and a movie date are the complete opposite of what DB recommends. It's basically causing her to reinforce her conviction that she does not love you, does not want to hug you, and does not want to date you. I'm sorry, that royally suxx but this is the situation you're in. You can pursue and push and see if it works.
If it's not working though, stop doing it. If it's pushing her away, take a step back and see if that works instead.
What "works" means is a bit subjective. Is it making you feel better and stronger, is it causing your W to come closer?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I understand that it is the complete opposite of what DB recommends, but it is what my therapist who has more experience with our case recommended. And while I agree with DB and am in the process of reading through DR, I also recognize that there is no one size fits all system and that the therapist is also in communication with W and may have insights into my particular case that may not always fit exactly with what DB has to say.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
