Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

I'm not sure what is up right now, I'm feeling very sad. I have a weird sinking feeling in my chest, I'm on the verge of tears, a lump in my throat. I'm feeling hopeless right now. Nothing has "happened". What a freaking mess. What is going on?? Just so much crap. I HATE THIS...

Does anyone else go through this?

I know what I show H needs to be detached, pleasant and polite, but this hurts so much. It's so hard. I miss him so much, I've missed him for years. All this reading of books and other peoples sadness is so painful. Coming to terms with what I put H through is so hard. He didn't deserve any of it. What was I thinking. How dare I be angry about anything he's done or is doing. It's not to hurt me, it's so I don't hurt him anymore. What kind of person am I that I could do this to someone that loved me so much. That I love so much. If the rolls were reversed would I have been there? Would I be trying? I'm so scare to lose him but I'll absolutely understand if he leaves for good.

Sorry all I know I'm having a pity party, I don't want to annoy friends (not that I don't consider you all friends) with my drama anymore. It's so not fair to them.

I think I need to take a break for a couple of days from this board, I don't seem to be doing anything else but posting here and reading. Trying hard to breathe...